October

October is anniversary month for me. And I’m not talking about the happy kind. It’s a month that holds many memories of Dr. T, most of which I am still working through in my recovery. I do like October, but I will be glad when the anniversaries are past.

* * *

October was the first time—and the last time—I ever saw Dr. T.
(October 7, 1999 and October 12, 2005)

October was the beginning of the hugs that I thought were a gift from God but turned out to be something else entirely.
(October 2000)

October was what he said to me that made me decide to go on anti-depressants rather than face the holidays in full possession of my feelings.
(October 2002)

October was our last trip together, when the transmission of my certified used car failed and we had to get towed 70 miles over a windy highway to my auto repair center. Rather than offer me sympathy, Dr. T’s only comment was: “I told you not to buy from a dealer.”
(October 8-9, 2004)

October was the last time we had sex, right before he dropped the bomb that started to shake me awake.
(October 7, 2005)

October was the last time I had sex. Period.
(October 7, 2005)

October was the last time I saw him, at his office, when he mocked and humiliated my words and feelings, then praised me for maintaining my composure, and I left feeling so degraded that I could no longer keep my mouth shut.
(October 12, 2005)

October was me telling.
(October 13, 2005)

October was getting slapped upside the head with a wake-up call and having what I thought was reality shatter into a million tiny pieces.
(October 13, 2005)

October was the message I left for him, saying I needed space, that I’d appreciate it if he not contact me, and requesting that he return the CDs he’d borrowed from me within a couple of weeks.
(October 13, 2005)

October was his last message to me: an angry voicemail accusing me of reneging on our business arrangement and informing me that if he did not get my CDs back to me as soon as I would like, I was free to pursue the matter in small claims court.
(October 14, 2005)

October was me setting boundaries and sticking to my guns.

October was me getting Dr. T out of my life.

October was freedom.