In my last post I wrote about what it was like to have sex with Dr. T. (A truly delightful subject!) Our sexual involvement spanned four and a half years and had a profound impact on me emotionally, physically, even spiritually. As much as I’d convinced myself that I was doing it for him, the sex was also filling a deep, unacknowledged need of my own.
When I had sex with Dr. T,
I felt wanted.
I felt needed.
I felt important.
I felt like I had worth and value.
I felt like I mattered to someone.
I felt like I had a sense of purpose.
I felt like the emptiness inside of me was being filled up.
Like so many people who suffer from low self-esteem, I believed, on some very deep level, that I was missing something essential and had a gaping hole inside me that I desperately needed filled in order to be “okay.” I feared that I had no real worth, no value. That I was “not enough.” I thought I needed someone else to give me what I lacked, endow me with a sense of worth and value, make me feel complete.
Having sex with Dr. T seemed to do just that—fill up those empty spaces inside of me and give me the sense of worth and validation I craved.
Even though he claimed that the sex was primarily for my benefit, clearly he was getting something out of it (!), and that made me feel good. I wanted to make him happy, and apparently I was doing a good job. I’d also taken to heart what he’d told me about our “union” potentially being of great spiritual benefit to him—in essence, that it could move him further along the path of realization. I wanted that for him. If I could support him in his own “spiritual development,” well, wouldn’t that be wonderful? Having sex with him became my act of service—a way for me to express my gratitude to him for his love and care and willingness to break all those rules for me. I felt honored to be his caretaker and the vessel for all that “spiritual energy” he was channeling—it gave me a sense of purpose. Finally, there was something I could offer of myself that would truly be appreciated and valued by someone I loved! At last, I would matter. And surely any sacrifices I made on his behalf would make me more worthy and deserving…
My ego became completely invested in our sexual relationship. I was happy to make this Faustian bargain: I would do whatever I could to take care of his sexual needs, which would make me feel like I was giving him something he valued, and he could “have his way” with me, which would make me feel wanted and appreciated. The more he “gave” to me, the more I’d feel “filled up.”
In theory, if I gave him what he needed, then he would give me what I needed.
My sense of inner lack and insufficiency fueled my feelings of longing for him. There were many times when we were having sex that I desperately wanted to be engulfed, consumed, taken over, incorporated into him. I imagined that through our union I would become part of him and therefore complete. Those empty spaces inside me would become irrelevant; they would no longer exist.
I wanted him to make me whole.
It didn’t matter how he treated me. Even though in the beginning I felt put off by his rather aggressive and objectifying preferences, which I had not previously encountered in a sexual relationship (and did not seem terribly spiritual…), my mind soon started translating this as “desire” and “need.” The more roughly he treated me, the more I felt he wanted me. His intensity felt validating. I was happy to lie back, surrender to my sense of “rapture,” and let him take me. He could do what he wanted with me, even if it happened to hurt my physical body. As I wrote in my last post, “In my mind it was as if by hurting me, he was taking possession of me, marking his territory—and I wanted that. I was happy if he left marks. It made me feel like I was his, that he had ‘claimed’ me.”
To a woman with abandonment issues and chronically low self-esteem, is there anything more validating than the desire of a powerful man? A man who’s willing to break the rules for her? If he needed something that I could give him, there was no way I would refuse him. His approval and validation of me meant too much. I was honored to offer myself in service of his needs and give him my loyalty and devotion.
And so it went on for over four years.
What I didn’t understand was that I was caught in a vicious cycle.
I believed that pleasing him would earn me his validation and love, which would then fill those holes inside me and allow me to feel worthy, valued, complete. But in my efforts to please him, I essentially gave myself away. I did things that didn’t feel all that good to me in order to make him happy, and I had to hide this knowledge from myself (and him) in order to maintain the fantasy of our relationship and ensure that I would be successful in pleasing him. I devalued myself in order to feel valued by him.
But it didn’t quite work. I wanted his love. And his sexual treatment of me was a constant reminder that I didn’t have it. If he truly cared for me, then wouldn’t he have been treating me more like a beloved partner and less like a….well…less like someone who provides sexual services for a living? So then I’d try harder to please him (doing all the same things as before), and the cycle would continue. The very things I was doing in an effort to win his love affirmed that I didn’t have it. And by giving myself away, I created more emptiness inside of me—with an even greater need for validation and approval.
I thought that having sex with him would fill me up and make me feel whole. But what I thought was filling me up was actually eating me up, destroying the sense of self and value that I had.
This incredibly destructive cycle was constantly perpetuating itself. I was completely stuck, unable to see the bigger picture of what was really going on. I needed some sort of jolt to the status quo to wake me up. Thank goodness I got it. Without that, the cycle might have continued indefinitely.
* * *
Many of us struggle with feelings of worthlessness. We’re so sure that we’re deficient—that we’ve got holes inside us that need to be filled up. We do all sorts of things trying to get some sense of validation so that we can feel better about ourselves—things like achieving, pleasing others, looking good, being “perfect”… Or we try to fill ourselves up so we don’t feel empty, by eating, shopping, drinking, gambling, having lots of sex, and so on. We may even use otherwise healthy habits like exercise and meditation to cover up our insufficiencies and help us feel more worthy and deserving. We become addicted to whatever seems to generate a sense of “enoughness” or numb us to the feelings of deficiency. We can’t afford to quit the addictive behavior because when we do, we start to feel once again that we’re “lacking” or undeserving. We have to keep doing, doing, doing, so that we can feel okay about ourselves and generate that sense of self-worth that would otherwise be missing.
Some of us also need to be careful that we don’t derive an identity or sense of purpose from our feelings of emptiness and lack. Those of us who have grown up with a belief that we are deficient, missing something essential, may become “seekers” and spend our lives looking for something that will fill those empty spaces and give us a sense of self-worth and fulfillment. This search may become our purpose, our mission in life. But when we continually approach our lives from the perspective that we are missing something, we can never be happy. We will always experience a space inside us that cannot be filled.
I think we can reclaim a sense of ourselves as whole. I say “reclaim” because we were always complete, we were never not whole. We just forgot our selves. And we looked to others to show us what we couldn’t see inside. Unfortunately, we assumed that how others treated us was a reflection of our value, and that what we did and did not have in our lives meant something about our worth. Our assumptions turned into beliefs, and then we put those beliefs out into the world and acted accordingly. But when we act like we’re “less than,” that’s what’s going to be reflected back to us; the more we deny or negate our value, the more likely it is that others will treat us poorly. If we say to the world, “I’m worthless!” hoping that we’ll be proven wrong and reassured of our value, we’re going to be very disappointed! It doesn’t work like that. What we put out there is generally what we get back.
When we try to get a sense of internal validation from other people—or from anything outside of us—we’re destined to fail.
The only way out of this is to stop what we’re doing. Stop trying to get these old emotional needs met through others’ validation, through constant doing, through trying to be something other than exactly who we are.
We are all already “enough”—there’s no such thing as being incomplete. Our value is inherent within us. It doesn’t come from outside. We can’t get it from others, and we can’t get it by doing. Self-worth isn’t something we can acquire or achieve. We don’t have to earn our worth. We have worth and value simply by existing.
We can reclaim ourselves and call our sense of self, power and value back from whomever we’ve sold them to. We can remember who we are, accept ourselves unconditionally, and choose to believe in our innate value. We don’t have to do anything. We just have to be ourselves, let everything else go, and give ourselves the love, care and compassion we absolutely deserve.
Wonderful!
Theresa
Hi Kristi,
I came to your site through Sonia’s blog. All I can say is, is that
I am in tears right now. What you wrote completely reflects my own
internal struggles and doubts about my own lack of self-worth and
the absence of value. Your writing is profound and wonderful.
I look forward to reading more on your site. Again, from the
bottom of my heart I thank you for your honesty and your wisdom.
Hi Tina,
Thank you so much for your comment! I think a lot of us deal with these struggles without understanding what’s going on. I just think it’s important to name some of the things we’re going through, how they originated and how they show up in our lives. Then maybe we can stop judging ourselves and beating ourselves up so much.
For those reading this, here is the link to Sonia’s post, called “Sex with your Therapist” on her blog Therapy Unplugged.
Blessings,
Kristi
Hi a coleague and I are planning a book on therapist abuse , would you consider a chapter detailing your experience for the book ?
please contact me about my sexual abuse from from my therapist for a period of 4 1/2 years… ia am in a civil lawsuit(hopefully soon to be done) I did get on my own… his license removed by the colleges for the actions that he had done to me, but would love to talk to someone who is interested in writing about my stroy and trying to help other women… please contact me…..
Hi Kelly,
Congratulations on getting out and taking action! That takes a lot of courage and fortitude, and I want to acknowledge you for that.
I don’t personally know of any journalists/authors writing about this topic right now; however, we do occasionally publish stories and articles by other survivors on the blog, so if you’d like to write about your story, feel free to send that to us. (You can use the Contact page to be in touch with us privately.) I think I can say that all of us who’ve written about our own stories have found it very empowering and healing. So that may be something to think about…
All the best!
Kristi
At one of my first appointments, my therapist asked at what point I had been damaged. My response was that I wasn’t damaged, nothing bad had happened to me, that I was born defective.
I can tell you know what I mean. Thanks for expressing it so eloquently.
Kristi, as I read your story above, I could have been reading my own story. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I especially want to thank you for the last part. You explained it all in a way that I always felt, but could not put into words.
You have come through so much, I am proud of you.
I know that I, too, have been through so many experiences that could have broken me completely, and nearly did. But I am glad to be here today & share my story and experiences in hopes that it will help someone else. I haven’t posted my story yet, but thinking about it.
Thank you for this opportunity! God Bless! Mags
Thanks, Mags!
Recent blogpost on my experience of this:
A Cautionary Tale: A Short Story by Bernadine Fox
“Not even as a baby suckling at her momma’s teat had Emma known what it felt to be safe. So when her therapist suggested that therapy required her trust, she first had to ask what that was and what it looked like. ” continued at http://bernadinesblog.blogspot.ca/2015/10/a-cautionary-tale-about-therapeutic.html
and my response to an organization in Vancouver who put on a panel discussion which in part to honor her legacy:
“I BELIEVED, and she allowed me to believe, that my abuse history had left me with no normalcy with which to see/understand/process the situation she presented and trusting her was my job in therapy. And, I did. I was her client and I trusted her.” continued at http://bernadinesblog.blogspot.ca/2015/12/the-transgressions-of-pamela-sleeth.html
Thank you for taking the time to read them.
Bernadine
Everything you have written perfectly describes my own thoughts and feelings. So many believe that this type of “affair” is between two consenting adults . . . it is devastating and continues to be devastating. I keep trying to pull myself out this “lost” space and push toward the future – your writing gives hope. It has been 2 years since the “affair” was discovered – Dr. G lost his license – at least he can no longer hurt anyone in the state of Texas. The shame, self-blame, and guilt is still strong. It is such a relief to see that my thoughts/feelings are not far from the norm. Thank you for creating this site and helping those of us that don’t have people to rely on for support.
Torii,
Thanks so much for your positive feedback! Hang in there – healing takes time and happens in layers and cycles. Keep accepting yourself and all your feelings and learn to validate your own experience, even when others don’t. Self acceptance is a key component of healing and helps you move through the trauma.
All the best to you!
Again I can relate to so much of this. Especially the ‘he could do what he wanted’ part. I remember thinking not long ago, when still totally enmeshed in my experience with my physiotherapist, exactly those words. I remember thinking he could ask me to do anything sexually and I think I would have done it. I was so totally ‘in love’ with this man. I was besotted and desperate for him to love me.
The first time we were ‘together’ he had invited me to his house for sex. Why I even went there I have no idea now but at the time I was desperate for a relationship with him. Literally as soon as things were finished he said he might tell his ex that he had had sex with someone because it might make her jealous enough to get back with him. God it was so cruel and I was devastated! He didn’t contact me at all for a week, and when he did it was to tell me he didn’t want to be with me again, that it was just fun but he wasn’t going to do it again. Of course, he told me I had no right to be upset because I knew that he wanted his ex back all along…
Then when my re-referral came I STILL wanted to be seen by him (I missed him so much) and guess what happened AGAIN! This time at work.
And guess what happened again afterwards, no contact from him and then a cold and cruel rebuttal…
He accused me of getting carried away with my feelings for him. He literally wrote in a message, “How on Earth have you gotten so attached, you have been married for 18 years!” I am so angry now at those words. It shows the complete lack of understanding, empathy and remorse. He also wrote “You’re making it out to be some kind of power imbalance thing – that’s not how it was at all” (suggesting I was totally ‘up for it’ and had consented freely). Unfortunately consent in a therapeutic relationship here in the UK is not seen as ‘impossible’ in the way it is in some countries/US States.
I’m new to this website and as I read the comments and write my replies it gives me the insight I have needed for many months… I simply could not understand how he could chase someone so much, then dismiss them so cruelly. And I also couldn’t understand why I would go back for more…
Now I am beginning to see that this behaviour is a part of the game plan of the abusive therapist. After months of grooming, once they ‘have’ you, they further exploit and manipulate you with their coldness, alternated with some occasional charm.
Somehow it seems to be that their cruel behaviour is the very thing that keeps us going back for more – from reading about other people’s experiences I am beginning to see I am not the only one to have gone through this, irrational as it seems later on.
My recovery has barely started and I know it will be hard but I am so glad I have found people who know what I’m talking about.
Hi Thea,
Reading this and your other comment from today, I would say that your physiotherapist is demonstrating textbook signs of narcissistic abuse. There’s now quite a lot on the site about that, so you may want to use the search function and/or categories to find the posts about it. There are also a whole bunch of books on narcissism on the Books & Media page. I think you’ll find reading about it, and learning about how narcissists use others for narcissistic “supply,” to be helpful.
One thing that’s often recommended for people trying to get out of an abusive situation with a narcissist is to go “no contact.” Because they often do whatever they can to keep you hooked into the relationship and prevent you from leaving – until they’re ready to “discard” you, often in a very cold and cruel way. Because these personality types are often incapable of empathy, there is no reasoning with them and no real potential for getting them to understand and take responsibility for their actions and behavior. So, best to break contact entirely, if possible.
I’m sorry to hear that the UK seems to actually have less restrictions and consequences in place for this type of behavior than the US. I’m so sorry! Because this guy really needs to be held accountable and have his behavior checked.
Keep reading, keep posting, feel free to share. You’ll get through this!
There is so much eye-opening truth and validation in this post. It is so true that we who were abused and neglected as children feel that we are missing something, that there is a hole inside us. We were never validated, we never learned good boundaries, and we always dropped our desires for fulfilling the “needs” of our abusers. It wasn’t until recently that I discovered there is nothing missing in me. There is no hole in my soul. I can reclaim my wholeness, when I accept that what I feel is valid. I was abused, what I feel is valid. I no longer minimized the torture I was put through, or blamed myself like they wanted me to. I have too experienced inappropriateness from ‘therapists’, though not near the extent you and many others did. But I can relate that, once that therapist has crossed the boundary, we feel like the therapist, and the therapist alone can make us whole. I felt this craziness, that he would be able to make me complete. It has to do with the power imbalance – counselors have a degree of authority of us, and they also play the role of our caregivers, in a small way. Therapists can be extremely harmful if they are bad, because they are entrusted with our deepest vulnerabilities and traumas. Indeed, if I had been raised into a strong, secure, confident woman when I was younger, if I had been validated by my parents, and not exploited, I believe I would never have been inappropriately touched and gestured in counseling offices. Because I would have known, without having to go through all this crap and abuse on my way to self discovery, that I was, already whole.
Beautifully said!
Thank you so much for your comment!