A while back I wrote a couple of posts mentioning Sandra Lee Dennis, who has some great resources on her website Finding Heart in the Dark at www.SandraLeeDennis.com. She has a new, free ebooklet available called Notes on Narcissism, that I bet a lot of you are going to like. If you go to her website and sign up for the mailing list you’ll get a free, downloadable copy of that, as well as two other ebooklets: 13 Signposts of Betrayal – from Trauma to Transformation and 16 Tips for Healing After Heartbreak & Abandonment. (Please note that the ebooklets are written from the perspective of a woman and therefore show some gender bias in the writing, which could potentially be triggering to a male reader.)
While you’re there, check out her blog posts, many of which are about her experience healing after being betrayed by a narcissist (sound familiar?), and other articles and resources.
Thank you. I would love to read the two ebooklets.
I do not know who to deal with a estranged child.
Oops! I don’t know how to deal with my estranged child or who to go for help.
I truly believe Ed’s therapist played a big role in this cut off.
The therapist was estranged her parents & estranged from her daughter.
Hi,
This is a very good booklet for vulnerable women who are in a bad relationship with men. Maybe it’s good for some men as a warning too. I am unsure what worth this is to traumatised men in Western Europe who have experienced what I have, particularly if they’ve ended up homeless, alienated from their family and stigmatised for no really ‘correct’ reasons. . .
I downloaded this e booklet but quickly became disenchanted with it. As a man I found the 80% gender reality combined with the male “he” 3rd person writing style compounded together resulting in me feeling at least 80% to blame all over again. If you are a traumatised man therefore, and still feeling f****d up for whatever reason, I strongly advise you don’t read this. If (on the other hand) you are ‘impartial’ and never abusive in any way at all (a living saint), then, I suppose it’s interesting enough to know how BAD some men really are. Could it be a warning to some men? Surely those who aren’t ‘oblivious’ and have some empathy would not necessarily ‘need’ this for a warning on their own behaviour?
People come together in relationships mostly without much experience or wisdom. Mostly, and always due to not enough help, even the ‘successful’ and enduring relationships have their rocky crags where BOTH parties dirty washing gets torn and hung out. . .
Un met need manifests itself in many different ways. The only reality that’s consistent is that of un met need in the individuals. . . By the time the ‘act out’ (of this un met need) has become established in a relationship the boundaries are already too fuzzy to ‘separate off’ each individual from their own part in it.
It is therefore quite common for people to separate because of these fuzzy boundaries. The (apparent) victim may finally make the decisive move. . . The (apparent) aggressor may well change. . . Once the ‘spell’ of the relationship is broken. . . People can change if they get to the source of their un met need. . . But even that is no guarantee of a happy life. Why? Because the stigma and the consequences remain, the history can remain entangled through other significant parties, children, grandchildren, family & friends etc etc. Usually one or the other ends up with an excessive DISadvantage which permanently reminds them and permanently suppresses further positive change.
I seriously wonder what booklets like these actually do to help those men who never really did much wrong who do change and become more empathic but for whom the stigma remains a permanent feature of their relations with family, friends, children, grandchildren, work mates and so on.
My experience is that these criteria of ‘Narcissistic Personality Disorder’ have combined with an old 70s feminist homily that “All Men Are Bastards”. . . And so both (naive) men & women are ready to label you in ways which are largely UNTRUE but appear to be similar. . . Thus, now, for example, because I have tried to be honest, the reader will wonder :”What did he do to her”. . .
I write because I am still willing to risk this 80% gender assumption. . . I know it’s statistically true but how does one (particularly as a man) live with it?
Hi Paul,
I appreciate your observations. You’re right that the ebooklet is written with some gender bias, likely due both to the author’s experience (as a woman who was betrayed by a male narcissist) and to a writer’s need to pick a pronoun to make the writing easier. I should have pointed that out. Thanks for bringing your perspective.
Although I agree with Paul on some of his points above, this is not an issue in which gender bias from a feminist point of view is exaggerating or ignoring anything. The far majority of batters, rapists, pedophiles, and professionals who exploit and abuse are male and they are exploiting females. Female narcissists are out there, but they comprise the minority of narcissists. This fact alone also causes me to reject the premise that narcissists/psychopaths are born this way. Male gender privilege, socialization, and rape/domestic violence myths all contribute to why women more often than men are victims.
While ordinary relationship problems contain responsibilities for successful relationships, this is not what the article is addressing. If that were the case, then I would agree with Paul’s observation. The fact that the “biased” language of the author causes this kind of anger in Paul acknowledges: “I write because I am still willing to risk this 80% gender assumption. . . I know it’s statistically true but how does one (particularly as a man) live with it?”
Living with the knowledge that your own gender receives privilege is a start. This is not an issue created by “70’s feminists”. It is a reality that being born male is one of the factors this society still favors over being born female. Paul also has to live with the reality his gender is responsible for a the majority of the violence that happens in interpersonal relationships. Women have to live on the receiving end of violence and children have to live with witnessing the violence in their childhoods. That is a huge difference between being born male and female in what one has to live with in this world. This is not about any feminist agenda
Men are not bad for being men. Men are allowed to be “bad” simply because gender privilege for males exists. Paul, what can you do? Not allowing men to continue to assume male privilege and calling them on it when they assert it would be a helpful start. Men need other good men for role models. If men held men accountable for subtle violence, perhaps that will begin to change things for women and children who suffering battering every 20 seconds. These statistics are compiled by the Department of Justice in the United States. Most consider these statistics under reported since they are compiled by police reports that were filed and charged. This isn’t a feminist agenda. It is a statistical fact compiled by an arm of the government that most women would still consider being gender biased.
In all the years I have worked with domestic violence, I worked with one man who was horrifically battered and abused. All of the advocates and his attorney were women. None of them doubted his story or treated him different. From the judge to the district attorney, everyone did the right thing by this man. He even retained custody of his children and his home. I wish I could say that for the women I have worked with. Eighty-six percent of women who are raped or battered never see their cases charged. The perpetrators go free. In the divorce, they may have to share custody or lose their children, their home, and most of their possessions. So, in 100 percent of the men I had to deal with, it worked well for him. I am glad it did. But it is the exact statistical opposite of advocating for the rights of female batters.
So, if an author uses “he” for the abuser, it is more often correct. I understand your point Paul, but the reality is that is more often a “he” than a she.
Best,
Maria
I also wanted to include a reference for the statistics. http://www.strengthenoursisters.org/domestic_violence_statistics.html
In addition, my sentence But it is the exact statistical opposite of advocating for the rights of female batters” should read: But it is the exact statistical opposite of advocating for the rights of female victims of batterers.
Sorry for the confusion.