There are people who come into your life and change it completely—some for better, others for worse. Usually we can tell the angels from the demons. But not always.
MEETING DR. T
I met Dr. T in October 1999. He was not my first psychotherapist. I’d seen several others (mostly women) during my twenties and early thirties in my attempts to deal with issues such as my generally mild depression, my not-always-so-mild self-esteem issues, and what my therapists termed “unresolved grief” stemming from the loss of my mother to cancer when I was 12 and the unexpected death of my father when I was 30. After my dad died in 1995, I started to feel unmoored and my depression increased. Over the next few years, I began to struggle more and more with my relationships, my health, and just about everything else in my life. I needed help. That was when I met Dr. T.
Dr. T was a clinical psychologist with a private practice in Oakland, California. My boyfriend and I were in couples counseling at the time and Dr. T’s name was one of two that my couples therapist gave me when I told her I wanted to go back into individual counseling. She described Dr. T as “spiritual” (the quotation marks being evident in her tone), which at the time sounded like a good thing to me. My relationship with God or any other higher power left something to be desired (losing your mom at a young age will do that to you), and I thought maybe Dr. T could help me with that. I set up an appointment to meet him.
Dr. T turned out to be a pretty cool guy. He appeared to be in his early 40s, wore jeans to the office, and had a great sense of humor and easy-going nature that appealed to me. I wasn’t particularly attracted to him but he was decent-looking and, I assumed, married, since he wore a ring on his left ring finger. I felt comfortable with him and found him relatively easy to talk to. More importantly, he listened to me, wanted to hear what I had to say, and seemed to really understand me. To a woman who had often felt unseen and unheard in her relationships, Dr. T was like a dream come true.
Although I continued to go to couples therapy, Dr. T quickly won all of my loyalty. Whenever I’d complain about something my couples therapist had said, Dr. T came to my defense. His assessments of my issues were generally kinder and much more flattering than hers, and his confidence in his diagnostic skills left me feeling safe and reassured. Clearly, he knew and understood me far better than my couples therapist did. I loved having him on my side.
For about a year, my therapy seemed to go fairly well. I saw Dr. T once a week and enjoyed our sessions, which were often injected with humor and spirituality. (Dr. T was a devotee of Siddha Yoga, a Hindu-based spiritual practice, and the philosophy informed much of our therapeutic conversation.) He seemed to have all the answers to life, love and the universe. I’d developed a deep respect for him and looked up to him as my teacher, spiritual guide, and the older brother I’d always wanted but never had—someone who would guide me, advise me, protect me, and defend my honor.
THE GROOMING PROCESS
When my boyfriend and I decided to end our relationship a year into my therapy, Dr. T was supportive and encouraging. He’d met my boyfriend once and thought I could do better. During the breakup, he even suggested that I “transfer my attachment” from my boyfriend onto him. I thought that comment odd and wondered if Dr. T knew what he was saying, but I trusted and respected him and believed he had my best interests at heart. Why would I ever question him?
Within about a week of my breakup, Dr. T introduced physical contact into my therapy. We’d been discussing what might support me in going deeper into my emotions and the subject of physical contact came up. It was through nurturing physical contact that I’d felt loved and comforted when I was a kid, and I’d lost much of that kind of support when my mom died. Dr. T suggested that we could hug at the beginning or end of our sessions as a way of fostering that type of emotional support for me. Perhaps it would help me go more deeply into my issues. Although therapists weren’t really supposed to have physical contact with their patients, he thought that, in my case, we could make an exception and see how it went. And if it worked out all right, then, down the road, maybe we could even spend some session time with him holding me as a form of emotional nurturing and a means of supporting me during grief work. I was thrilled at the prospect. That he would do this for me, for my benefit, felt like an amazing gift of grace. That day, at the end of our session, Dr. T hugged me. I floated out of his office as if I were on Cloud Nine.
After that, we always began or ended our sessions with a hug. Sometimes we did both. After a few months, the hugs got a bit longer, and he even started giving me little kisses—at first on the top of my head, then on my temple, then on my cheek. I felt special, cared for, loved. And I grew more and more attached to Dr. T. Then he decided to try holding me during our sessions. He let me pick the position. We’d sit on the floor against the couch, with him behind me, his arms wrapped around me. It was bliss. I didn’t even mind when his hands would accidentally touch my breasts.
I was thinking about him all the time—not sexually, just as someone who played a big role in my life, a friend I depended on and wanted to see every week. Sometimes, after I’d left him an emotionally distraught voicemail message, he’d call me saying, “Hey, Kansas City”—his nickname for me—“it’s your buddy, Johnny.” He’d tell me what he was up to and joke around with me until I felt better. Often, I’d hang up the phone feeling “lit up.” I was so happy to hear his voice and be deserving of a phone call.
Our contact during my sessions gradually became more intimate, more sexualized, and highly charged. He progressed from “accidentally” touching my breasts to intentionally trying to get me turned on, though he always kept his hands above the waist. Occasionally, he’d experiment with different ways of holding me, some of which were based, apparently, in tantric sex. The positions were beneficial, he said, for moving energy through the system and clearing any blockages. Since I suffered from low back pain, I thought that sounded pretty good.
While some of the things he did felt nice, at other times I found myself spacing out or not feeling anything at all. This often happened when we were sitting on the floor with me straddling him, our pelvises close together (one of his “recommended” positions). I felt confused about the fact that I didn’t feel anything—it seemed like I should—but I felt too embarrassed and uncomfortable to say anything about it. He was doing this for my benefit, and I was worried about saying something that he might regard as negative or ungrateful. I really didn’t want to lose this special attention, and I was careful not to give him any reason to withdraw it.
From time to time he’d remind me that he intended our physical contact to be primarily for therapeutic purposes, not just for pleasure. He didn’t want me to take it for granted. Sometimes he accused me, playfully, of “junking on the hugs.” I loved having him hold me, and the contact was so addictive that I’d become attached to getting my weekly “fix.” But I felt guilty at the thought that I might be taking anything for granted. If he sensed I wasn’t fully appreciating the contact, would he take it away? I felt uncertain about how I should be reacting to all of this.
Often, he’d encourage me to really take in the feeling of his hands on me (whether he was simply holding me or trying to get me turned on) and allow it to sustain me between visits. As he said during one session, “Isn’t it better to walk around feeling aroused than to feel needy and depressed all the time?”
He approached all our contact with nonchalance and calm control. He made all the decisions, judging what was okay, what not, where we could touch, where not, for how long, and how often. There seemed to be no reason for concern. He told me that he loved me and trusted me, and that he wanted me to be happy and feel good. I deserved that, he said, and he wanted to give that to me.
As the contact increased, Dr. T also introduced new themes and topics into our conversations. He’d make flattering comments about my body, compliment my appearance, ask me about my boyfriends and my sexual history, even make off-handed remarks about things we could be doing if not for the therapeutic restrictions. These remarks usually started with “If you and I were to have sex…” and always took me by surprise. I’d stare at him, trying to figure out if he were joking or serious, but I could never read him—his poker face was just too good. So I dismissed the comments and tried not to think about them, even as they kept ringing in my mind.
As things progressed, he tried to get me to take a more active role in our contact. Once he asked me why I didn’t test the limits. Was I afraid of making a mistake? Well, of course I was! I was shy, uncertain, and scared to death that I would fall in love with my therapist. I wanted to know that whatever we did, I’d be safe. Dr. T assured me that he was there for me, that it would be okay for me to push the envelope, let go, surrender to whatever feelings I might be having. Of course there would be a net to catch me if I fell. Besides, what could be wrong with feelings of love? Why not just enjoy them?
Dr. T did want me to understand that, whatever we chose to do, we would never date or have an outside relationship. And since he was breaking the rules and could lose his license if anyone found out what we were doing, we had to be careful. He hoped that he was making the right decision and that I would benefit from this approach he was taking. Should it turn out that I couldn’t handle the parameters of the more intimate relationship, we’d simply go back to a “normal” (i.e. contact-free) therapeutic relationship. But as long as I could deal with it, why not let ourselves have this gift?
That he would go so far for me and take these risks on my behalf made me feel very grateful and very loyal. I wanted to protect him and prove my worthiness, and I happily took on the responsibility of safeguarding our relationship. That included being careful about my own emotional responses. I couldn’t bear to lose this intimacy, this privilege—I needed to show him that I could handle whatever we did, no matter what happened.
It took him about six and a half months to progress from simple hugs to sexual intercourse. Because of the way he gradually introduced more and more contact over time, progressing to the next step never seemed like much of a leap. Often, it felt easy, natural. Between the physical contact, which I’d become addicted to, and my adoration of him, I was willing to do pretty much anything he suggested. I was hooked. I loved him. And even though I refused to think about sex, I was desperate to kiss him. So, when one Thursday he asked me (as he held me in his arms) what I wanted, I told him I wanted to kiss. Really kiss. So we did. And we spent the rest of the session making out. Then he left town for the weekend. And I freaked out at home.
Imagine that you’ve just made out with your therapist, whom you’re desperately trying not to fall in love with. And he leaves town and you have no one to talk to. After all, I couldn’t tell—that was forbidden! I had to somehow deal with this on my own. I spent the weekend feeling alternately high and absolutely panicked. What the heck was going to happen at our next session?? Would we kiss again? Would he say it had been a mistake? I felt like my life (and my sanity) was completely on hold until he returned. But one thing had shifted for me. Despite my refusal to think about sex or take his sexual suggestions seriously, that the two of us would, in fact, have sex now seemed inevitable.
Due to his out-of-town trip, our next session was scheduled not for my usual Monday mid-afternoon time but for early Tuesday evening—his last appointment of the day. I knew something was going to happen. We’d kissed and— Well, that was a big deal. I tried to prepare myself for whatever the evening would hold.
When I arrived, we basically picked up where we’d left off the week before. There was no therapy. There was only kissing and him saying he wanted to see me and me taking off my clothes and lots of rolling around on the floor. And then he asked if he could be inside of me.
I remember turning my face away because I didn’t want to answer him. Even after all that had happened, I did not want to have sex with my therapist. I knew it would change everything. I knew that if we had sex I’d fall totally in love with him and I was terrified of that. Not only was the man my therapist, he was married. Even though he claimed that he and his wife had “an arrangement,” he and I could never be together. What would become of me if I fell in love with him? I didn’t want to have sex with him. But I didn’t know how to say no. And I didn’t want to have to say no. After all he’d done for me, I felt so grateful to him. I loved him. I wanted him to be happy. How could I refuse him the one thing he asked of me?
Instead of answering, I shied away and tried to communicate with body language what I couldn’t say with words. I desperately hoped he’d take the hint. He seemed to, for a while, and we continued kissing and rolling around. And then he asked again if he could be inside me. Just for a little while, he said. If I didn’t like it he’d stop. He’d do whatever I wanted if he could please be inside of me.
Oh my god, he’d asked again! Now I’d have to say something. My brain got fuzzy and I started to feel panicked. I couldn’t think what to do.
I don’t remember whether I whispered yes or nodded inarticulately, but I didn’t say no. I didn’t know how to.
I did hope that he’d pull out a condom. He didn’t. I made some garbled attempt to say something about being safe, and he laughed and said that he’d been in a monogamous relationship not having sex and I was six months out of a monogamous relationship not having sex, so that seemed safe enough to him.
I don’t remember what the sex felt like. I don’t think I was actually in my body at the time. I just know that we didn’t do it for very long. Maybe he could tell I was freaked out and decided to stop. Maybe he looked at the time and realized he needed to get home to his wife and kids.
I left his office feeling completely spaced out, with a funny energy coursing through my body. I felt like I’d been given an incredible gift. This man whom I adored had chosen me. I felt a new sense of loyalty and responsibility toward him I hadn’t felt before.
And so it began.
SEX AND THE THERAPEUTIC RELATIONSHIP
For the next few years we had regular sexual contact, about once a week unless he was out of town. We had sex at his office during paid therapy sessions, at my home, eventually at his home, and also during a couple of out-of-town trips. The sex tapered off after about three years, but still occurred on a semi-regular basis, always at his prompting.
He took full payment for every therapy session, even when we spent the better part of the time engaged in sexual activity. He even took payment for “house calls,” when he’d come to my home during an extended break in his work schedule, for maybe half an hour of “talk therapy” followed by sex. He told me that our sexual relationship could be helpful as a vehicle for my working through issues such as grief and abandonment and could benefit me physically by helping to release those areas of tension and bound energy. He also claimed that he could transmit spiritual energy (shakti) through sex, and that our sexual activity could be spiritually empowering—primarily for him but also for me, according to his particular beliefs.
Despite our sexual relationship, Dr. T continually reminded me that he was, first and foremost, my therapist, and anything else was secondary to that. We would never date or have an outside, public relationship. He fully expected me to bring any issues about what he called our “extracurricular relationship” into therapy for discussion; that was part of the idea. He advised me that if he thought that I couldn’t handle this special relationship, his inclination would be to discontinue the sexual contact and return to simply being therapist and (not-so-special) patient.
He was very clear that what he was doing was a violation of the rules and the code of ethics. His position seemed to be that since the professional code of ethics had been determined by a group of people who had no relationship to him or his practice and did not share his values and belief system, why should he be bound by it? Wasn’t he in a better position to judge what would and would not work for his patients? Shouldn’t he be able to create his own rules according to his own personal ethics and values? As Dr. T liked to quote to me from a poem by Rumi: “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
By making sure that I understood the risks he was taking for my benefit, Dr. T entrusted me with the safety and security of the relationship. I felt so completely loyal to him that I never considered betraying his trust. I was incredibly grateful to him for allowing me to have this “gift,” and all I wanted to do was make him happy and give him whatever he wanted. I was absolutely content to be his loyal and devoted servant. I could never do anything to hurt him. I literally prayed that no one would be harmed as a result of our involvement, and that if harm were to come to anyone, it should come to me. Since I believed he was doing this for my benefit, I thought I should be the one to bear any burdens.
Despite my love and adoration of Dr. T, my experience of the sex itself was far from magical. I had expected that having sex with him would be amazing, since I had such strong feelings for him and our connection had what I believed to be spiritual component. But Dr. T was not exactly a “tender” lover. In fact, he was a bit more aggressive than I was used to and preferred positions that often left me feeling emotionally disconnected. He also liked to “talk dirty” during sex, which left me feeling uncomfortable and even more confused. I couldn’t understand it; he spoke with such reverence about love and spirituality—I was expecting his “lovemaking” to have a much more loving and spiritual quality to it. Instead, it was very raw. In fact, sometimes he seemed rather angry—almost like he was taking something out on me. I kept hoping that if I showed him all the love and care I could and gave him everything he wanted, he would respond in kind. He didn’t. And whenever I dared to question his intent, he insisted that the sex was truly about love and acted as if I’d hurt his feelings by suggesting otherwise. So I learned to simply accept the way he treated me, whatever he did or said. I wanted to believe him and didn’t feel comfortable questioning him. I had become completely attached to him and was desperate to preserve the connection. I couldn’t risk his displeasure or disapproval.
During sex, I tuned out of myself and into him. I wanted to please him, and I was far more plugged into whatever experience he seemed to be having than my own. I didn’t care about my own pleasure; everything was about him. If he was happy, I was happy. If he was turned on, I was turned on. I started to think of myself as “the king’s consort,” whose primary role was to attend to his pleasure—and I was thrilled to do that for him.
The only time I felt any sense of power and control in our relationship was when we were having sex. I knew what turned him on, what he liked, and that gave me a reasonably assured way of making him happy and gaining his approval. This provided the only real sense of security I had in our relationship, aside from paying him for sessions. But even there I sought his permission. I never felt comfortable initiating sexual contact. I didn’t want to be wrong or make a mistake. I was too afraid of being rejected or making a fool of myself. I could offer myself to him, but it was up to him to choose whether he wanted me or not. I always deferred to him and let him take the lead.
After any sexual contact, I usually felt spaced out and “floaty.” At the time, I simply thought I was “blissed out” on our lovemaking. It never occurred to me I might be dissociating. My out-of-body state masked any feelings of pain, discomfort, or distress so that everything looked perfectly rosy, no matter what happened, no matter what he did.
Although for the next few years we spent many evenings engaged in sexual activity, we rarely spent the whole night together. That was a good thing. On the few occasions we did (mostly on out-of-town trips), I found it impossible to sleep. When I lay next to him, my whole body buzzed with energy—I felt like a live wire. No matter what I did, I simply could not settle down and go to sleep. I was aware not only of all the energy coursing through my body but also of every little sound or movement in my environment. Despite the “privilege” of having Dr. T with me for the entire night, I inevitably paid the price in sleep.
THE ROLE REVERSAL – TAKING CARE OF MY THERAPIST’S NEEDS
Sex was not the only “service” I provided for Dr. T. A couple of months into our sexual relationship, Dr. T suggested that he come and get a massage from me. I had become certified in Swedish/Esalen massage the year before and Dr. T knew I was interested in starting a practice. I said yes, of course, even though the thought of giving him a massage was terrifying. I didn’t have much experience and I really wanted to be able to do a good job. What would I do if he didn’t like it?! I’d feel mortified! So when he came over, I did everything I could to give him a good massage—and completely drained myself in the process. But it worked—he liked it. And for the next few years Dr. T became a regular massage “client.” He’d come to my home, pay me my low “friends and family rate” for a one-hour massage, and I’d work on him for 1¼ to 1½ hours, doing whatever I could to please him. (That usually included providing sex, too, either before or after the massage.) Often, after the massage (and the sex), Dr. T would ask to use my phone to call his wife and let her know when he would be coming home. I felt strange that he was calling his wife from my home, but at the same time I felt like his caretaker, so I indulged him in whatever he wanted.
Dr. T also extended my massage services to his family and friends, referring them to me when they were in town or gifting them with massages. He never introduced me by my given name (my middle name, which I’ve gone by since birth), since he was concerned about people finding out I was his patient. Instead, he introduced me by my first name—a name I’ve never used or particularly cared for. I hated that he didn’t ask me whether it was all right for him to call me by that name. I thought that he could at least have let me come up with my own alias, something I liked. But I never challenged him on that and simply went along with his program, letting people think I was someone other than who I was.
I did other work for Dr. T as well. I helped him with the billing for his insurance clients for a couple of months, and later on (in 2004) I started doing some research for him for a book he wanted to write. Around the end of 2004, he hit on the idea of having me help him draft psychological reports for his INS (Insurance and Naturalization Service) clients. He proposed that this could be a very lucrative endeavor for the both of us. He was paid a lot of money for the reports, and he thought that with my help he would be able to do a lot more of them. He saw this as a possible long-term business venture for the two of us.
Dr. T even paid me to take some online courses for him for the continuing education units he needed for his 2005 license renewal. His renewal deadline was only a few weeks away and he did not have the required number of CEUs. He’d found an online provider that offered short, simple, online classes, and he offered to pay me for doing this easy work for him. One of these classes happened to be the then mandatory Ethics course. He seemed particularly interested in my taking that class for him—as if he wanted me to fully understand that our relationship was a violation of the ethics code and that he was risking a lot by being involved with me. I felt hurt by his reminder of the therapist-patient relationship; it was as if he were putting me in my place, reminding me of my “less-than” status. I did my best to block this out of my mind and to focus instead on helping him out. Of course, I would be happy to do whatever he needed. Although most of the classes he had chosen were very easy for me, one of them needed to be completed by someone who had actual training in psychology. (Imagine!) When I told Dr. T that my understanding of the material was insufficient for me to be able to complete that class for him, he got angry at me for “backing out” of our arrangement, since it meant that now he’d have to take the time to do it himself.
In addition to the paid work, I provided a variety of personal services for Dr. T as well. I chauffeured him around quite a bit, often giving him rides to and from the airport, and provided companionship when he needed it. The few out-of-town trips we took were generally centered around his personal needs, and the arrangement usually went something like this: He’d mention to me that he was “going on retreat” and extend to me an invitation to join him—with the understanding that this was his time to get what he needed. If that was okay with me, then I could come along. Of course, I was thrilled to be asked at all, so I always said yes to whatever he wanted. Often, this involved being his driver. For the first trip we took, to a hot springs a couple of hours away, the arrangement was that if I drove and brought my massage table and gave him a massage every day, he would cover the costs. (This proved to be primarily the cost of meals and gas, since he paid for a room for one person and then snuck me in.) He also made it clear that if we ran into anyone he knew, I would need to make myself scarce —we could not be perceived as being there together. Similar arrangements applied to our other trips as well. For our last trip together, which was for New Years, he wanted me to drive separately to our destination (over two hours away); that way we could spend New Years Eve together, and then I would leave, allowing him to spend the rest of the time alone for his personal retreat. (Seems fair, doesn’t it?)
In the last year of our involvement, Dr. T relaxed the boundaries even further by enlisting me to help him with his two young children. Dr. T and his wife were recently divorced (for reasons not related to his involvement with me, to the best of my knowledge), and due to their shared custody, he was needing to manage a few days a week of single parenthood. One day he asked if I would watch his youngest so that he could go to the gym. Of course I said yes. And so, when he needed a babysitter or some help with the kids, he called me. I very much enjoyed spending time with his children. But again, due to his concern that one of them might use my name with someone who could identify me as a patient (like his now ex-wife), he decided I should go by an alias. At least this time he allowed me to choose my own.
Sometimes, after inviting me over to help with the kids, he’d put them to bed, pretend that I’d left, and then sneak me into his bedroom for sex. I always felt incredibly nervous about being there with his kids asleep down the hall. What would happen if one of them walked in? This never seemed to bother him at all. As always, I simply went along with his wishes and tried not to think about possible consequences. (Although I understand that Dr. T is fully responsible for his actions, I deeply regret that I took part in his betrayal of his family and friends. Because I was unable to say no to him, I ended up doing many things for him for which I now feel great remorse.)
For the most part, whenever Dr. T asked me to do something for him, I’d say yes. Mostly because I wanted to please him and make him happy, but also because it was very difficult to say no to him. He certainly didn’t make it easy. It seemed that in his thinking, if I were available at all, then I should be available to him. Whenever I claimed to have other plans, he would grill me about them, trying to find an opening that would allow me to attend to his needs. If I tried to say no, he did his best to make me feel guilty for not being available to him, for not putting his needs before mine. He could be very dismissive and belittling of my plans and needs. Clearly if I could take care of him I should. Whenever there was something I didn’t want to do for him, I would go out of my way to avoid talking to him since he was just so good at manipulating our conversations.
SPIRITUALITY AND SIDDHA YOGA
Spirituality played a big part in my relationship with Dr. T, who was a devotee of Gurumayi Chidvilasananda, the guru and spiritual leader of Siddha Yoga. He often used teachings from Siddha Yoga and Eastern philosophy in our therapy, responding to my depression and existential angst with pithy remarks that left me feeling like I should be much more enlightened and evolved than I actually was. He regularly recommended books by Gurumayi and Swami Muktananda (her predecessor) and by more “new age” teachers such as Caroline Myss. He was big on subjects that had to do with taking responsibility for one’s choices, letting go of “toxic” emotions, and thinking happy thoughts. (As he said, “Why would you want to think anything that didn’t make you feel good?”) He made it all sound easy—which made me feel that much worse for feeling bad or depressed. I remember him saying to me once, “No one wants to be around someone who’s depressed,” as if I had the power to simply turn off my depression and be happy.
He spoke reverently of Gurumayi, saying that he owed her his life. I had never known anyone with that kind of devotion before and it was both intriguing and attractive. Dr. T seemed to be plugged into a mystical realm where a transmission of energy from the Guru (called shaktipat) could turn your life around and heal whatever ailed you. I looked up to Dr. T and thought that maybe what worked for him would work for me, too. So I gradually became more and more involved with Siddha Yoga. I chanted the mantra he taught me, prayed to the Guru, did seva (“selfless service”) by volunteering in the bookstore/gift shop at the local ashram, attended expensive meditation retreats, and purchased many Siddha Yoga books, CDs, and videos as well as pricey gemstone malas and prayer beads. (I guess I thought it would all help me become more “spiritual.”) Occasionally, Dr. T took advantage of my role at the bookstore by having me purchase things for him, including gifts for his wife. While I felt really strange buying things for him to give to his wife, I reassured myself that I was helping him out and that it was the “loving” thing to do.
Occasionally, Dr. T would tell me about his experiences with Gurumayi, whom he referred to as a “wish-fulfilling tree.” I got the impression that he had a genuine connection with her—that he was somehow “favored.” Because of this, I imagined that she knew (in some spiritually omniscient way) about our “union” and sanctioned it. Surely our relationship was meant to be. Even though we would never be together in the traditional boyfriend-girlfriend sense, what we had was different, special, spiritual. I felt very privileged. I wondered if I, too, might be able to have a connection with the Guru. I longed for a divine presence in my life. I was suffering emotionally, psychologically and physically, and I wanted to feel that I was being watched over and cared for. But while I firmly believed that Gurumayi would take care of Dr. T, whether or not she would extend her grace to me was another question. I prayed fervently to her for healing and relief, yet nothing seemed to change. Maybe Dr. T was simply more deserving than I was—or maybe my reluctance to fully embrace Siddha Yoga (since I actually felt a bit “on the fence” about committing to it as a spiritual practice) meant that I wasn’t worthy of having my wishes fulfilled. I felt sad and disappointed and wished I were as important as Dr. T apparently was, but I decided I would try to accept my situation and be okay with things as they were. That was the loving and spiritual thing to do, wasn’t it?
COPING WITH THE ABUSE – HOW IT AFFECTED MY MIND, BODY AND SPIRIT
I spent those years with Dr. T feeling like I was on an emotional rollercoaster. The emotional and physical bonding that occurred when we had sex was intense and would leave me feeling really high and really connected to him; but once that wore off, I would sometimes start to panic. I was afraid of losing the connection, losing him. I had no sense of security outside his office or the bedroom; I had no hold on him. Even though we had this sexual relationship, I was still only a patient. It wasn’t okay for me to call him at home—I could only leave messages on his voicemail and hope that he would call me back. But I never knew when or if I’d hear from him. I just had to wait—and hope.
I was constantly experiencing cycles of intense bonding followed by extreme instability and insecurity, emotional and physical attachment alternating with a deep fear of loss and abandonment. I felt very depressed, very anxious, and blamed myself for the state of my life. Since Dr. T did not take any genuine responsibility for his actions or the impact they had on me, I came to believe that I alone was responsible for my misery. He did everything he could to reinforce this belief and often used spiritual philosophies (about self-responsibility, gratitude, “negative” or “toxic” emotions, etc.) to back up his position. Any problems I had regarding our relationship were apparently my problems, not his, and therefore it was my responsibility to deal with them. Whenever I complained in any way about our relationship, he would tell me that I should be grateful for what we had and to stop focusing so much on what was missing. When I got angry, he would withdraw and not speak to me—even during therapy sessions. His attitude was that I should deal with any negative feelings myself, let them go, and not direct them toward him. He certainly did not deserve them. This treatment left me feeling confused and ashamed. I found myself caught up a cycle of punishment and reward that had me constantly on edge, wanting to please the “parent” and avoid any possibility of rejection and abandonment. Even though I was trying very hard to be a strong, empowered adult, my need to maintain my bond with him and protect our connection had me constantly giving up my sense of self and personal power.
The first year of our sexual involvement was the worst. About two months after the sex started, I began to lose my sense of both emotional and physical stability. My moods were all over the place—up, down, all around. I felt anxious all the time, since I never knew what was going to happen or how he was going to treat me. Then my body started to “destabilize” as well. Although I’d had minor back trouble for several years, suddenly I found myself unable to hold my alignment. My pelvis was constantly shifting around, as if the muscles, tendons and ligaments could no longer hold me in place. I felt like there was nothing for me to hang onto, emotionally or physically.
Things got steadily worse for a couple of months and during the holiday season, I hit bottom. I had lost all sense of personal power and had very little sense of self. I loved Dr. T so much and wanted to mean something to him, but the man had a wife, a family. I had no place in his life except as a patient. I had no right to anything. The only value I had was in what I gave to him. Otherwise, I was completely worthless. I felt so much despair, confusion and pain that I really didn’t want to be alive. I couldn’t understand why God didn’t just take me and put me out of my misery. I prayed for answers and relief, but none seemed to come. I was not actively suicidal, since in order to take your own life you have to have some measure of personal power—and at the time I didn’t even have that. But I was in so much emotional pain that I couldn’t imagine how I could still be alive. I could not take it.
So I taught myself to disconnect from my body and my emotions so that I wouldn’t feel the pain. I tried to make everything not matter. In order to survive, I had to make it all “okay.” I stuffed my feelings deeper inside and tried to accept everything that was happening.
Still, I knew something was wrong with me, physically and emotionally. During the next few years, I launched a desperate search for healing, trying to figure out what was wrong and get it fixed. I saw myself very much as a problem to be solved. I had sessions with dozens of healing practitioners who seemed stymied by my condition and were unable to provide any lasting relief. No one could figure out what was going on. Eventually I did regain some sense of physical stability, but the search for emotional, physical and spiritual healing continued for a long time.
I spent those years feeling lost, confused, and constantly struggling trying to make things work. My life, which hadn’t exactly been on track prior to my involvement with Dr. T, remained without focus. Despite my attempts to find direction through career counseling, coaching and various self-help practices, nothing seemed to be working. I found it impossible to create any forward movement and felt completely stuck. Although I wanted to meet a partner and start a family, I found that whenever I considered the prospect of dating, thoughts of Dr. T would interfere. As much as I wanted a partner, I was afraid that even if I met someone and got into a steady relationship, Dr. T would still want to have sex with me—and that I wouldn’t be able to refuse him. How could I do that to a partner? Although I sometimes felt fine when Dr. T wasn’t around—more myself, more separate and independent—whenever we had sex I’d feel completely bonded to him again, like I belonged to him and would always belong to him. I couldn’t imagine how it could work if I met someone else. So I simply stopped thinking it. Maybe I didn’t need a partner after all.
That was the solution to a lot of my pain: To simply stop thinking about the future. There was often a timeless quality whenever I was with Dr. T, as if nothing else really mattered. And I just went with it. It was easy to stay “in the moment” and forget about the future. But every so often I’d realize that my life was going nowhere and I’d panic. Then for a while I’d try harder to make things happen—do visualizations, affirmations, write lists of things I wanted, try to follow the suggestions of various self-help and new age teachers. But no matter what I did, I simply couldn’t seem to make anything happen in my life. Detaching from my future—and my present—made things easier.
The more deeply involved I got with Dr. T, the more isolated I became. I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on, since that would have been a betrayal of his trust. And it’s pretty hard to have a close relationship with anyone if you can’t tell them the truth. Keeping secrets takes a lot of work, and this one was binding a lot of my energy. So I simply withdrew from close friendships and kept people at an emotional distance. It wasn’t easy keeping the secret—I so wanted to be able to share what was going on, mainly because I felt so privileged, so lucky. I couldn’t share with others the part of my life that meant the most to me. So I stopped talking about myself and let friends and family drive our conversations even more than usual.
My therapy, of course, completely changed. It became about us. Dr. T wanted me to bring my issues with our relationship into therapy, and that’s exactly what happened. I didn’t really have a choice, since he rarely made himself available for that type of conversation outside of our session time. Although I would call him and leave a message on his voicemail whenever I was upset about something that had happened between us, he rarely called me back. Often, when I left an emotional message for him, he’d give me a “cooling off” period and not call me back until the next week, sometimes not even contacting me before our next session. This pissed me off. Given our relationship, I thought it was unfair that I had to sit on my feelings and not have the opportunity to address issues in a timely manner. I thought people in relationships were supposed to talk about their problems. Instead, his “waiting period” gave me the impression that I was supposed to let everything go and just not be upset. And, more often than not, by the time the next session rolled around and an opportunity for discussion was at hand, I was far more interested in securing our connection and allaying my fears of rejection and abandonment than I was in raising a week-old issue that might create conflict between us.
I started to have more and more anxiety before our sessions. I never knew what was going to happen or which aspect of Dr. T I’d be dealing with. Sometimes when I arrived he’d be very caring and “affectionate,” other times he’d be coolly detached, distant. Even though we were having sex regularly, he would still sometimes show up very much as the boundaried therapist. This kept me feeling really insecure and hyper-protective of our connection, and ready to please him in any way I could, just to get my “buddy” back in the room.
Still, the longer our relationship continued, the less I saw him as an authority figure. As time went on, I found myself taking him less and less seriously as my therapist. After all, I’d been having sex with him. I knew what he was like underneath that therapist exterior. I wanted to get out of the power imbalance, be on equal footing. I was tired of being treated as an inferior and I chafed when he spoke to me with his air of “superior” intelligence. But I still lacked a real sense of personal power in our relationship—I needed him to grant it to me. I thought that maybe things would be easier if I left therapy. Maybe then he’d treat me more like an equal. But every time I brought up the possibility of my leaving therapy, he would look pained. He’d tell me how much he loved me, how important I was to him. It would be so difficult for him if I were wanting to move on because of our “extracurricular” relationship; he didn’t want it to have gotten in the way of therapy and would deeply regret it if it had. Of course he had my best interests at heart and hoped he’d done the right thing in allowing our sexual involvement. Then he would make a point of emphasizing just how busy he was and tell me that the only way I would truly be guaranteed of seeing him would be to make an appointment. Basically, he let me know that if I left therapy, I would likely lose the whole connection.
As much as I wanted out of the therapeutic relationship, I couldn’t bear the idea of losing him. I believed I loved him deeply and I wanted him to remain part of my life. So, inevitably I’d back down from any thoughts of leaving and decide to stay. Besides, if I valued therapy, shouldn’t I stay in the process? This was my opportunity to learn how to work through difficulties, both in my own life and in my relationship with him. Wouldn’t it be a mistake to leave?
So I stayed until he determined it was time for a change. I felt very relieved when that day came.
HOW IT ENDED
It was shortly after involving me more fully with his children and beginning our INS report “collaboration” that we terminated therapy, at his suggestion (of course). I’m not sure what finally made him change his mind; perhaps he’d become more concerned that, since I was spending more time with his children, there was a higher risk that someone would find out I was his patient and he wanted to sever that bond.
The ending came about nine months after we stopped the therapy sessions. Things were different between us. Although at the beginning of the year we were spending more time together since I was helping with the kids and doing more work with him, as the year went on our contact became more intermittent. This was partly because I was trying to avoid having sex with him, which was easier now that I no longer saw him every week. I was scared of my attachment to him. Every time we had sex I’d start to feel bonded and “in love” with him again, and I just couldn’t take it. It was confusing. Even though I knew deep down that we weren’t compatible as partners, I still had these feelings for him that were overwhelming, beyond my control. There was a part of me that wanted us to be together—and wanted him to want us to be together. And yet logically, I knew it would never work. It felt hopeless—and crazy-making.
I had also become a little afraid of him. Since we’d discontinued therapy, he’d been acting increasingly volatile, less in control of his emotions, and I’d become more of a target for his anger and blame. Though he’d never yelled at me when I was his patient, we’d started having arguments on the phone that left me feeling scared and confused. I found myself walking on eggshells around him more and more and trying to appease him whenever he was upset. Part of me still felt desperate to preserve the connection, while another part of me wanted to cut the cord.
It all started to come apart one night in October 2005. He’d called me up and invited me to dinner, saying he missed me and wanted to see me. I hadn’t seen him in a few weeks and I couldn’t resist his invitation, which had me glowing with pleasure. After dinner, we went to my place and had sex, and of course, I started feeling re-bonded and in love with him. Then, he casually revealed to me that he’d started dating and had been sleeping with other women. I was stunned. I’d asked him to tell me when he started having sex with anyone else, and he hadn’t. And he’d just had unprotected sex with me. My brain started to get foggy and thick. I couldn’t understand why he would have done this. It took about 24 hours for the news to really sink in. First I started to panic, and then I started to feel (at long, long last) betrayed.
That he would have unprotected sex with me after having, I assumed, unprotected sex with others, meant that he wasn’t really concerned with my well-being and didn’t have my best interests at heart, despite his claims to the contrary. By not telling me what was going on, he’d denied me the right to make my own choice or protect myself.
Though I didn’t want to admit it, I was also terrified that this meant my status with him had changed: I was no longer special. I was still in love with him, but he didn’t need me anymore—I’d been replaced. Even though this was perhaps for the best, the disruption to our connection had me in a panic.
I needed to talk to him; somehow we needed to straighten this out. After leaving him several messages, I finally heard back from him. The only time he had available to see me in person was during a canceled appointment—at his office. So I went.
He was absolutely horrible to me. He had an answer to everything, of course. He laughed at me, mocked me, and completely diminished the importance of our relationship. I felt completely helpless as I sat there, staring up at this man I adored, as he crushed me and my love for him into utter insignificance. In all those years, he had never treated me so badly. Our connection was crumbling and there was nothing I could do to hold it together. I left his office shaking, feeling completely worthless, like a piece of garbage. This was unimaginable. I felt like my world was imploding. Did I really mean nothing to him? Could it be over? My sense of loss and betrayal was so overwhelming that my loyalty to him started to crack. I could no longer contain the secrets I’d kept so long.
The next day, I finally broke my vow of silence and told someone that I’d been having a sexual relationship with my therapist. The second I told the secret, everything started to blow apart. My confidant understood, without a shadow of doubt, that I’d been seriously violated and told me that Dr. T should be reported. At first, I couldn’t conceive of what she was saying. It didn’t make any sense. Surely what we’d had was real; surely he was a good person… But some part of me understood that what she was saying was true. The illusion of the past several years of my life began to break apart. What I’d thought was beautiful and filled with light was in fact a horrible nightmare. I returned home in a state of shock. My world had abruptly shifted 180 degrees, and my new perspective was horrifying.
I proceeded to break off all contact with Dr. T. Now I was really afraid of him, and I didn’t want to let him know what I was starting to understand about our years together. I called him and left a message, saying I needed space. I told him I would mail back his files (for the INS report I was working on), requested the payment he owed me for the work, and asked him to return CDs that he’d borrowed from me. In his angry voicemail reply he accused me of reneging on our business agreement, saying he shouldn’t have to pay me, and told me that if he didn’t get my CDs back to me as soon as I liked I was free to pursue the matter in small claims court! (He actually did pay me what was due and dropped my stack of CDs through my mail slot a few weeks later.) Fortunately, that horrible afternoon at his office was the last time I had to deal with him in person.
Now that I understood that Dr. T had betrayed me, I no longer felt any loyalty to him. I started revealing the secrets of the past few years. I told my closest friends and family members what had been going on and went to see the therapist who had initially referred me to Dr. T. Although I was terrified she wouldn’t believe me, she did. She referred me to a new therapist for care, suggested I speak with an attorney, and encouraged me to consider filing a civil lawsuit.
I also proceeded to break all my ties to Siddha Yoga, and not simply because I associated it with Dr. T. I’d discovered several accounts alleging that Swami Muktananda (Gurumayi’s predecessor) and others who claimed to be celibate had engaged in sexually abusive relationships with devotees and that this had been covered up, the victims carefully silenced. I could not stomach this information and wanted nothing more to do with Siddha Yoga. I’d had quite enough of lies and manipulation in the name of spirituality.
THE AFTERMATH: PTSD, LEGAL ACTION, AND RECOVERY
Despite joking to people I’d told about Dr. T that I’d “just dropped 180 pounds of dead weight” and felt great, I had a new problem to contend with: PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). It’s common for abuse victims to experience PTSD and that was certainly the case for me. After a couple of weeks feeling oddly giddy after breaking off contact with him, I then started to experience major anxiety, hypervigilance, brain fog and light-headedness when I talked about what had happened, intrusive memories, flashbacks—the works. I also became even more scared of Dr. T. I felt just like a kid who had done something bad (in this case, telling the parent’s secrets) and was deathly afraid of being found out and punished. Although I thought that everything would be fine now that I was out and away from him, in fact, things got worse. I had to contend with all the reminders of him that were triggering my PTSD responses, the repressed feelings that were now making themselves known, and the near-daily realizations about what had actually been going on all that time. I also had to deal with the loss of the fantasy I’d been so sure was real. The disillusionment was traumatic, and the fact that I’d believed his lies left me feeling very ashamed.
The decision to file a civil lawsuit was a fairly easy one to make. Several people had suggested that it would be a way for me to “get my power back,” and that sounded good to me. I was very much aware that Dr. T had taken money from me for therapy sessions spent having sex; and if it was possible to get that money back, that sounded good to me. I met with an attorney over the holidays and we began the process of filing first a civil complaint and then a licensing complaint with the Board of Psychology. The lawsuit settled out of court after about one year (in February 2007), with a settlement from Dr. T’s insurance company. The licensing complaint took an astonishing two years, apparently due to a backlog of medical board complaints and a shortage of investigators, but it was finally resolved in 2009. Dr. T surrendered his license to practice, admitting to the charges against him and giving up his right to a hearing. After three years, he will be eligible to petition for reinstatement.
Recovery is neither a short-term nor a finite process. Healing from an experience like this, which took place over such an extended period of time, is like shedding skin. Layer after layer of denial come off, exposing difficult memories and feelings that had been kept well hidden. Bit by bit, I crawl back into my body, reclaim it as mine, and allow sensation to return. Over time, my perspective on what happened—and why it happened—shifts and changes as I reach deeper and deeper levels of awareness and understanding. While part of me enjoys this process, it can leave me feeling raw, vulnerable, hurt, and angry. Angry at Dr. T for what he did, and angry at myself for turning an abusive relationship into a fantasy.
Such a big part of healing is accepting oneself and one’s reality. I can’t undo the past—this will always be part of my life. But I can learn to accept it. To wish I could have done something different would be to wish I had been different. The person I was could not have responded to the situation in any other way. I did the best I could; I did the only thing I knew how to do. It’s up to me to accept myself and offer myself my own forgiveness and compassion. I can also learn to accept Dr. T and his actions. Not excuse—accept. In my opinion, what he did was unconscionable, but I can’t change who he was and what he chose to do. Struggling with reality simply keeps me in pain and prevents me from moving forward. Instead, I’m learning to accept myself, my feelings and my experience. That is the way to healing and to peace.
I feel very grateful for the support of my friends and family as well as the subsequent therapists and healthcare practitioners who have helped me during my recovery process. Among the trauma therapies I’ve found particularly invaluable are EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), which helped alleviate many PTSD symptoms, and Somatic Experiencing (developed by Peter Levine).
© 2009–2011 by Kristi Coombs
You are a strong, courageous woman who should feel very proud of what you have done and are doing to protect others!
David Clohessy
National Director, SNAP
Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests
7234 Arsenal Street
St. Louis MO 63143
314 566 9790 cell
SNAPclohessy@aol.com
SNAPnetwork.org
David, I am eternally grateful for all your support. Thank you!
Kristi,
You rock. You’ve been through hell. I read every sentence of your story and was pleasantly surprised to learn to held Mr. T responsible for his actions. I did so too and I know the difficulties and emotions behind suing someone you loved and cared about. You did the right thing and saved countless others from the same fate. Thank you for your courage.
Thanks Jeanette!
Wow. I too was sexually abused by my therapist, but for a much shorter period of time. I just received a settlement from his insurance company. His license wasn’t taken, but he is no longer practicing due to dementia. I thought it was love. It was the most painful relationship I have ever been through. I admire your honesty and I will continue to read your blog. thank you.
Welcome and thanks for your comment. Congratulations on taking legal action and getting a settlement! I know it can take a lot of perseverance to get through that. If you have any suggestions for things you’d like to see on this blog, let me know. I wish you all the best in your healing and recovery.
You are, as David said, a strong and courageous woman! Kudos to you for putting up this site!!
Thank you, Melanie! I’m really grateful for all the support!
I’VE A FRIEND THE SAME THING HAPPENED TOO WITH HIS THERAPIST. BUT HE CAN’T YET SEE THE PROBLEM WITH HER HAVING BEEN HIS THERAPIST/PARTNER. I CAN’T WAIT TO SHOW HIM THIS WEB SITE. YOUR SO STRONG FOR TALKING ABOUT THIS ABUSE BY A PERSON IN A POSITION OF TRUST AND POWER. THANK YOU
Thanks for visiting! There are some great articles on websites such as Advocate Web and TELL, some written by therapists who are themselves survivors of therapist abuse. Advocate Web also has a discussion forum for victims/survivors. Check out my Therapist Abuse links.
My case has been referred to as the worst case in Oklahoma- 2trials because he was revocated in trial 1 but someone forgot to record part of testimony…..so on appeal the state did a suspension offer.
Now the therapist is a life coach. Still working w people!
I went to tim the therapist and faced my childhood sexual abuse (for the first time)….PTSD…..and D.I.D. He was sexually exploiting me and the different multiple personalities
He was my husbands counselor too. I almost lost my life over this as the therapist was caught and he blamed me and said it was a moment of weakness and he needed sexual brokeness healing.
We have experienced a lot of help and healing. I do struggle w anger as he snubs his nose at any authority and figures out loopholes to continue to practice.
The TELL website has really helped me to realize We are not alone.
As far as I am concerned, he murdered his right to work w vulnerable people.
I am so sorry to hear of what happened to you and of the suffering you’ve experienced. Sadly, it’s often true that when these therapists lose their license, they find a way to continue to work with people—as coaches, “healers,” etc. Unfortunately, there’s not much we can do about that. We take legal action, speak out when appropriate, and then move on with our lives as best we can. As much as we might like to police the abusers forever, that holds us up from healing and moving forward. I am really glad to hear that you have found help and support! It makes such a huge difference. Best wishes to you in your continued healing! Feel free to keep us posted about your situation.
~Kristi
Thank you.
I have a decision to make. The predator admitted that this was non consensual ………………..and I am finding out because of my diagnose , the DA will prosecute if I think I can do it. Honestly after the nightmare 3 yr civil and 4 yr licensing trials~ I am unsure if I can do it.
I only related to him as him re parenting me…..this is what he cultivated. I loved him and trusted him like a parent. I never felt in love with him like I do my husband. Is it normal to feel like I would be sending a parent to jail? (and why am I still feeling this dynamic?). When does that part go away?
The doctor at the hospital said I needed help to recover from symptoms of incest…..(is it like this in some cases if the therapist “parents” when abusing).
Because of the transference, therapist-patient sexual abuse is considered akin to incest. That is how psychologists see this type of abuse and exploitation. It’s not about your case in particular, it’s about this type of abuse in general. We trust ourselves to the therapist as if he or she is our parent and may come to regard them in that way—as our caretakers. We entrust them with intimate details of our lives, while we (generally speaking) know little about theirs. That’s part of the power dynamic in this type of relationship. It’s built in. This isn’t a peer relationship between two people of equal power and authority. This is a fiduciary relationship in which the therapist is entrusted with the care of the patient. Because of the power dynamic, sex between a therapist and patient is not considered consensual.
Yes, it is normal to feel like you are sending a parent to jail. I think a lot of patients feel guilty about filing a complaint—like they have no right or authority to do it, or they feel that they’re “betraying” the parent. Part of what happened is that the therapists started turning to us to take care of their own needs—a position we should never have been in. So we feel like children and caretakers at the same time. And we may feel a loyalty to them that makes it hard to deny them their needs or defy them.
I appreciate that this is a very difficult decision for you. You need to take care of yourself now and you also need to consider how you’ll feel in the future about taking—or not taking—additional action. It’s good to talk this over with some people you trust and with someone who can maintain an objective perspective on it, someone who doesn’t have a vested interest either way.
Healing takes time, but it does happen! Things will get better.
Kristi-
Would it be possible for me to chat with you privately? And if so, how do I go about doing that?
Teresa
Teresa,
Contact me privately through the Contact page and we can schedule a time to talk.
Kristi-
Would it be Okay if I contact you now privately to talk?
Teresa
Teresa, I’m not able to reach you via the email you’re using for your comments. I need you to contact me using the form on the Contact page, which will send me a private email. Thanks.
As I’ve said, I sued a psychiatrist for malpractice and negligence. It wasn’t a sexual relationship but there were aspects that were sexual like rolling around on the floor so he could get physical control of me.
All I can say about me is that I would LOVE the opportunity to have a DA try him criminally. He should be in jail for what he did to me.
Best to you and the decisions you make.
I am happy to have found your website, but sad that you experienced this. I had a similar experience with a “Christian” counselor–he was my therapist, I paid every session, I worked for him, babysat his kid, etc. It ended about 4 years ago and I’ve been getting help for it ever since. He wasn’t liscensed by the state, but isn’t practicing anymore. I still suffer from PTSD and can’t even be in a room by myself with another man–especially a man with Dr as his title. Thank you thank you thank you for starting this website! I’ve never met anyone who has experienced this but finding your website doesn’t make me feel so alone.
I am so sorry to hear what your counselor put you through. You are definitely not alone! There are some good resources available on the web for victims of this kind of abuse and exploitation, particularly through SNAP and AdvocateWeb. If you’re looking for support, SNAP has support groups in various locations (check out the left-hand column for different chapters and regions) and AdvocateWeb has an online discussion forum. All the best to you in your healing!
Kristi, I just read your story after seeing the comment by Barbara Dorris of SNAP posted on the Abuse Tracker today. Thank you for creating this blog. It’s the violation of trust that’s so very important. Dr. T abused you in the same way that Father B. abused me… (in 1952).
Sincere best wishes to you! You are obviously healing in the right direction by turning what happened to you into a positive thing. I am so proud of you!
Kristi,
Thank you for being so transparent regarding such a personal and painful experience. Reading your story touched me on two points: much empathy for you, and, on a personal level, as a survivor of therapist/clergy abuse myself. So many similar patterns… For every account I hear or read about professional abuse, I end up asking myself, “Did these guys go to the same school or take the same course on ‘How to Abuse Vulnerable Clients/Parishioners/Patients 101,’ or what?!”
I deeply appreciate what you are doing here, and I respect you and your work to help others who have likewise been violated.
Kira Love Flores
Hi Kira, thanks so much for your comment and your empathy. Whenever I hear another survivor’s story, I find myself shocked by the frightening similarities. I wonder: Where did these guys come from?? (Yeah, I think there must be an online course on How to Manipulate and Abuse…!)
Thanks for adding your voice to the mix and helping to promote awareness and understanding. I look forward to hearing more!
Kristi,
In your last reply you echoed my thoughts about similarities. As I was reading your story, I pictured my own experience as the psychaitrist that I’d been seeing for 10 years convinced me that he was only doing what he was doing because I needed to learn how to love. I was SO desparate to figure out what was wrong with me, I believed him. Stupid? Tricked? Manipulated? Whichever, the abuse continued for just over a year when I was able to finally pull myself away from him.
Why was I searching this topic online? Because ELEVEN years after a complaint was filed with RICO (Regulated Industries Complaints Office) and SEVEN AND THREE QUARTER years after the settlement of the civil suit, RICO has finally gotten around to the process of investigating whether his license should be revoked. (I don’t understand the delay when they have his admission in the court documents). Anyway, having this wound reopened is wreaking havoc on my life. It is debilitating me all over again. It is destroying all that I have worked for to make my life return to “normal”.
As much as I’d rather not deal with the legal issues of this all over again, I feel that I must do so in order to prevent him from practicing and putting another at risk for the same psychological harm. I’d also like to present my local house representative with an idea of initiating legislation to make sexual exploitation/abuse by a therapist a criminal act. As of this time, it’s not.
I apologise for the long post. And I thank you for creating this website. Finding that I am not alone in this experience–although a sickening thought that it has happened to others–helps me to know that there are others out there who can understand why I lack trust, why I tremble at even the thought of being alone in a room with a male therapist, and why I question my own judgement of others’ intentions.
Please let me know if you have any ideas or references for initiating legislation.
Sincerely, Jennifer
Hi Jennifer. Thanks so much for writing—and honestly, you can write as long a post as you need to!
Eleven years is a crazy long time to wait for action! And I can totally understand that it would be reopening the wounds of years past. I hope that you have some good support around you, including a counselor who is experienced in professional sexual misconduct. Personally, I think it’s also important to find someone who can help you with trauma resolution. You may be experiencing some PTSD, and it would be important to find someone who can work with you around that. (For myself, I found that straight talk therapy was not enough, which is why I started doing EMDR.)
I don’t have any experience with initiating legislation, but I’ll put the question out there and maybe someone will have some ideas. It’s possible that there are some resources for that on AdvocateWeb.org. You might want to check them out as well.
My thoughts are with you on this journey! I wish you all the best. Anytime you want to rant, come on back. You are welcome here!
JENNIFER AFTER READINFG YOUR STORY, I WANTED TO ASK WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM LEAGLLY?? DID YOU SUE?? DID YOU RUN INTO PROBLEM WITH THIS NOT BENG IN THE “SCOPE OF HIS EMPLOYMENT”?? IM CURIOUS, AND ALSO YOUR STORY IS SOOOO VERY CLOSE TO MINE. i AM JUST HAVING MY 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF WHEN MY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP REALLY “BLOOMED” WITH MY THERAPIST AFTER A TEN YEAR THERAPUTIC RELATIONSHIP AND I AM HAVING ALL KINDS OF FEELINGS:( THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY….
Hi, Kristi. I read your story with astonishment. My abuse by my therapist had many different details, but so many similar overtones. The problem is, he is not listed as a psychologist in our country. I never gave it much considerartion because I had 3 previous therapists who were listed and were rubbish. He wasnt. So I have nowhere to file a complaint. I can go to the police and claim false pretence but I have no ready proof and I am afraid of this exposure. I have children to protect.
I was used, but the worst of it is that after 8 years of therapy, ever since he initiated intimacies, it was like “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”. I never knew what was really going on. He was cold and confusing. I was in a haze, doubting myself all the time, not enjoying any of it but hooked. I wanted his love. He directed everything and then ended it and began to avoid me. It took me 3 years to tell anyone.
I see a hoilstic therapist. She is doing her best, but I still think of him every day, alternating between thoughts of revenge, to plans to see him again – making him finally talk to me at eye level – to hope that I will be able to leave it behind me, to despair.
Thank you for this site.
Hi Sheera. Thanks for your comment. It’s shocking how similar many of our stories are. The more predatory abusers really know how to manipulate people. Whether they’re acting consciously or unconsciously, on some level they know what they’re doing. By the time they act they know enough of our history, our psychological tendencies, our needs and wants to be able to successfully use them against us. They know which patients/clients to target and what our likely response will be. They know how to keep us hooked, perhaps alternating between connection/intimacy and abandonment. They’ve been playing the game with people in their lives for years and they’re good at it.
If you find that you need more than talk therapy, I encourage you to check out EMDR or some other trauma resolution method in order to get him out of your system. It takes time, but healing can happen. I wish you all the best in your process.
How can you stand the distraction from EMDR ?
I can count over 30 different practitioners I’ve seen during the years since being sexually molested by the first, and I still can not sit behind a closed door with one of these people, let alone have the distraction from music in my ears, vibrations in my hands, lights, tapping on my knees or what have you from EMDR.
I find it extremely difficult to be behind a closed door with one of these people, and being male, to be left with a woman which the vast majority of these people are.
I was 17 with extreme social phobias as a result of childhood molestation, when the social worker I was sent to molested me.
I’m 53 today and would enjoy the freedom to leave my house.
What steps are required? EMDR ??
Tom S. in Tn.
P.S.; Does it concern anyone else that not only were we raped, but we had untold $$ stolen from us in fees and payments to boot.
I’ve got medical insurance coverage, but just can’t bring myself to allow payment to this profession that raped me.
In EMDR I use the tappers and the audio. Yes, it can be triggering, but I think that’s part of the point. Now that I’ve been doing it a while I find it less problematic. And it has taken a while, but I’m doing A LOT better now, so I’m glad I stuck with it.
There are other methods that I’m less familiar with. For example, Kira Love Flores, a therapist who has posted on the blog, uses something called Lifespan Integration. She also works by phone, nationally and internationally. She might have some suggestions for you. Here’s the link to her website: http://www.kiralovecounseling.com/
Yes, the money thing pisses me off. So I wrote about it: http://www.survivingtherapistabuse.com/2010/02/its-not-about-the-money/
I was fortunate in finding a couple of subsequent therapists that I trusted. But I also experienced one who really didn’t work for me. As it turned out, that experience was helpful to my healing since it gave me the opportunity to say no and set boundaries—something I was never able to do with Dr. T.
My now ex BF is in the midst of one of these highly abusive relationships. Last July I sent him into a program for substance abuse. I did not hear from him for months until last month when he called to tell me he was “in love with his therapist and his life was falling apart”. Once I told him to immediately report her he again stopped speaking to me and Im guessing they are still in contact and he is a fifty year old surgeon. It isnt right; this is criminal abuse and these people to abuse their power belong in jail. Right now he hates me and only cares about protecting her although I already turned her in. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to handle this. He wont talk to me and said she told him early on Im his only problem and that he needed to remove me from his life. Im so damn frustrated
I understand your frustration and I’m sorry for the impact on your relationship. Honestly, if someone had tried to give me a wake-up call when I was in the midst of my “adoration phase,” I probably would have completely dismissed it and distanced myself from the person. I had to be in a place where I was having my doubts about him (and then feeling some sense of betrayal) before I could hear the truth and start to take it seriously. So unfortunately, I doubt there’s much you can do about your friend except to keep caring and hold the intention for his wake-up call and healing. Sometimes it takes someone outside the person’s life, who’s not so close, to deliver the punch.
It sounds like you’ve already taken action—did you file a criminal complaint? Is she under investigation? Good for you for acting! You may also be able to file a complaint with the person’s licensing board. In the U.S., every state handles licensing a bit differently (assuming this person is licensed—if they work for an agency, you could also contact them). I think the first step would be to contact the person’s licensing board and talk to someone about the situation.
Good luck! Try to be patient with your friend. Awareness and healing take a while. He may come back around in the future.
Anyone have other suggestions?
Well believe it or not, his T called me; making all sorts of wild crazy accusations about me contacting the husband she supposedly left for my ex and trying to hack into her Verizon accounts to steal her identity. SHE IS PATENTLY CRAZY.
Turns out- I never hacked into anything and she doesnt have any husband at all.
Ive reported her to various state agencies, made a licensing complaint and retained an attorney to sue her for defamation and infliction of emotional distress.
The remaining problem ofcourse is my ex. He has no idea of how sick this T is, no idea. Originally he told me her “husband” had hacked into his emails and phones. Well there is no husband so it has to be her! He may be trapped by her
but Im not and Im not taking this lying down.
For anyone abused out there- wake up. These relationships are never about love and they sure arent theraputic. These are deeply disturbed people abusing you to feed their own narcissism. They do not love you. They do not support you. This isnt therapy. ITS ABUSE.
If one person gets away from these monsters because of any of these posts then its one less victim. So for anyone reading all of the stuff they lead you to believe is therapy is grooming for abuse. Wake up . Get away. Take action.
I hope that this comment is accepted, as my therapy abuse was committed against me by my former massage therapist. He preyed on me for 15 months, trying to seduce me into a sexual affair with him. He used charm, charisma, goodlooks, trust, intimidation, affection, caring, terror, -you name it, he used it. I have a very dysfunctional background involving my family of origin, so I was easy prey for him as I have virtually no ability to set boundaries or stand up for myself and put my food down. But I have since learned. I have been in cognitive behavioral therapy for nearly 2 years, and it has been life changing for me. I filed a lengthy complaint with the board of therpeutic massage, here in the state of Missouri. I also filed a police report and was interviewed by a woman detective, who eventually filed this report with the city prosecutor. That was to no avail, though, because of the “he said/she said nature of the crime( as it would be called sexual misconduct). My massage therapist did have to be interviewed by her (the detective), and unbeknownst to him, I had talked with 2 friends about what had been going on while it was occuring, but only very limited. I am also suing him in a civil case. After reading this article, I wish I had sued first. At the time I quit going to this guy, I was urged along by another health care giver to file a complaint asap. It would have been far more effective to file suit first, if for nothing else than the shock factor. Instead, it took over a year for the Board to give it’s verdict of insufficient evidence and it took the detective, who was reluctant, at first, 2 months to finally call him down to the station for a statement, and all this time allowed him to get his story securely down as to what he would say in defense of his behavior. I am frustrated that it takes 3 major complaints before a major investigation is done regarding complaints against massage therapists. If I had sued first, he would have been caught completely off guard, and would not have had in his possession a copy of my complaint, which the Board sent him. Without that, he probably would not have remembered half of what he did and said. These kinds of people are so slick, they know exactly how to work you. They know trust is basically a given for them, and then they use it to prey on our weaknesses. I don’t know if I am allowed to recommend any books, or if htey will need to be reviewed by this site first, but they are “The Betrayal Bond” breaking free of exploitative relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D, and “The Emotional Rape Syndrome” , How to survive and avoid it, by Michael Foc, Ph.D. I hope your recovery from your abusive experience continues. I have found jounaling to be indespensible. Allowing myself to grieve my feelings, has also been life saving, though not easy. Everyone says things get better with time, it has helped a little, but getting this law suit behind me someday will probably help even more. Here’s hoping you can move on a little more with each passing day.
Thanks so much for your comment! As a victim of professional misconduct you are very welcome here!
I am so sorry to hear of not only the initial abuse but also the incredible hassle (and, I suspect, revictimization) you’ve experienced as a result of the complaint and legal action. It is tragic just how long these processes can take, with no guarantee that the perpetrator will be held accountable.
Thanks also for the book suggestions. I highly recommend the Patrick Carnes book, which I have listed in my Recommended Books & Media section. I’ll be interested to check out the other book as well.
Congratulations on having the courage to stand up and take action! Good luck with the lawsuit and all the best to you in your healing.
Anne, I understand what you’re going through. Your feelings are totally normal. And I understand the struggle with trying to figure out how to move forward. There are no simple answers to this. If you would like to discuss it with someone who’s been through it, I invite you to contact me privately through the contact form on the site.
Unfortunately, I think it’s very common for therapists who lose their license to turn around and become a coach or consultant. These areas are not regulated, and few people are inclined to check out a coach’s background. (For that matter, far too few people check out potential therapists’ backgrounds, either.) There are also many therapists who continue to practice without a license. If their “followers” are loyal and devoted, it’s not too hard to stay in business. Sadly, without firm proof that a therapist is practicing without a license, there’s not much anyone can do about this. And do we really want to stay in battle for the rest of our lives?
I do believe it’s possible to heal and move forward without having closure. There are many relationships in life that end without resolution, perhaps due to death or an inability (or unwillingness) by one or more of the parties to communicate openly and honestly. When you think about it, the relationships that do end with a sense of closure can be few and far between. I think what’s important is that you do what is necessary for yourself, without expecting anything from him. If you need to stand up for yourself, your rights and the rights of others and speak out or take action, then do that. You won’t have any control over the outcome, so it needs to be something that you do for yourself, so that you can know in yourself that you did what you needed to do. “Getting your power back” isn’t about getting something from him, it’s about finding your own strength and recovering a sense of value. So you do what you need to do to get that.
Also, If your therapist is a narcissist, the likelihood of him ever giving you what you want is very slim. Narcissists are incapable of empathy. It was always about him and it will always be about him. If there are things you need to say to him, then having a third party present acting as mediator is a great idea.
I am really glad to hear you’ve been able to find a good therapist and start to work through the trauma and heal. Hopefully that will support you in getting some clarity about how to move forward. Again, feel free to contact me privately. I wish you all the best!!
~Kristi
Firstly, I want to say Thank Allah Almighty that you have escaped such a dangerous predator. It is true that he is a lowdown no good bastard who obviously had his wife leaving him because he was a stupid no good cretin.
However, I am not going to state it’s your fault because it’s not but I did wish you did listen to some of your other feelings when you were with him – I mean you are such an intelligent woman and YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.
But – I too have faced something akin to this so I am not blaming you. In fact, I realized something was wrong with this so-called friend of mine. This weird bastard used to talk about sex all the time and at first I just thought “hey, he comes from a disturbing family background so let him just do some blah-blah” but I started also feeling this paranoid sensation about him after a while. I use think about him a lot but I used to not get happy about it in fact I used to feel really terrible – in fact I even told him about it! Then one day I realized that something was wrong when I told him we wouldn’t work out as he himself put it but he was like “well i can make it work” – something along those lines and I realized something was wrong. Then one day this bastard called me and he was all weird telling me he stands outside my house and stuff and I realized that this guy was upto something – then I was even willing to overlook that, well not completely ’cause these sort of statements want me to hightail out, but he called to disturb me in my teacher’s house I told him to just stop bothering me.
I still get upset. Because I thought he was my friend. I told him stuff about me that probably I shouldn’t. I am still upset about it ’cause I realized he only wanted to emotionally/physically rape me – well he did kinda disturb me and kinda emotionally rape me but not totally – the fact I realized that he wanted sex and drove me away was also there. You know I am kinda conservative about sex when it comes to me – like I just can’t sex with anyone – and that does not mean that I am not open minded – I am but I need trust first. The bastard was like “three months” and I was like “for what?” and the bastard answered “for you to spread your legs – all girls say they won’t but they do.” And I was obviously pissed so then he tried to appease me.
The truth is women and men/ girls and boys like this do not care about your feelings – they only care about their lusts. This lust may be sexual, mental and/or emotional and the worst thing is that this situation is unpredictable and can have happen between both the same sexes and the opposite sexes.
I can state that we all must be courageous and brave to survive these things because we all can ^_^
Kristi,
I have been feeling so isolated and alone in this experience. Friends can’t understand the confusion, the pain, the loss of self. While it is comforting to be understood, it is so sad that there are so many of us out here. I especially relate to the loss of energy as every ounce of it I had was going into protecting him from “our” secret being exposed. This abuse, for me, started about seven years ago. Our relationship continued for several years. I feel like I’ve lost so much of my life. I am working w/ a good, boundaried, ethical psychologist now, but still doubt whether or not I’ll ever be whole again. Thank you for your blog and links.
Ellie,
Your experience sounds incredibly traumatic. Having the abuse go on for a period of years can be so devastating. It’s true that friends and family often are not able to understand what it’s like to go through this. That’s why I so appreciate the online resources available (like AdvocateWeb and TELL), and I’m grateful to make my own contribution to that. I am so glad to hear that you’ve found a good therapist to work with in your recovery. Healing is possible! You may never forget what happened, but you can move on from it. All the best to you on your journey!
~Kristi
Hi Kristi
I’m so glad to have found this site. Thank you for sharing your very personal story. Your experience is very confronting and a little too common unfortunately. My own story starts a long time ago, in the early nineties when I was referred to a psychiatrist ostensibly because I was having difficulty dealing with my mother’s death some years before when I was 17. After about 18 months of therapy (on the couch) it became clear from my therapist’s comments – all very loaded – that she was attracted to me. Of course, I was attracted to her. This went on for about 4 months, a kind of sexually charged energy that would flow between us but nothing very explicit and no physical contact. I found it very confusing as I kept questioning whether I was making it up or whether it was just normal transference etc. In the end I brought the situation to a head and asked her if she was attracted to me. After a very pregnant pause she said that she was. I told her I felt my therapy couldn’t continue anymore and she agreed. She gave me her personal phone number and after a couple more sessions we arranged for me to contact her outside therapy. This was an emotionally overwhelming time for me – to have my therapist reciprocate my feelings for her was beyond my wildest dreams. We met up and lived together for 15 years. She had two small children, one with a disability, and we became a close-knit family.
About 18 months ago she told me out of the blue that our relationship was over and that I should move out of the house. Naturally I was in shock and after a couple of weeks I moved out – leaving the children, my animals, my home, my life behind me. In short it has been devastating and unfortunately the way it was done – no explanation – mirrored my own mother’s death for which I had initially sought therapy.
It is only since our separation that I have been able to see the abuse that was at the heart of our relationship – that is, the power differences between us that originally gave rise to our relationship and which continued within it. In fact looking back I can see that my analysis never really ended. I’m working this through with a therapist (who has boundaries!) and I’m finding it very confronting to acknowledge and reconcile. To compound things, I have since found out that my ex is in a relationship with another patient – which started in therapy and while we were still together! This information clearly explained a few things – like why our relationship ended – but it also threw into high relief the predatory nature of my ex partner as a psychiatrist who has an unfortunate modus operandi for getting girlfriends. It has also really forced me to see that it wasn’t me who seduced her – the story she told me and that I willingly believed – but rather that she was the so-called seducer and that she had no right to do so. Somehow by looking in from the outside and seeing what she has done with another patient – a patient who is much more psychologically vulnerable than I was – has assisted me in seeing what was so unethical and just plain wrong about the way she conducted my therapy and the way it ended. Making sense of all of this, in the context of having had in many ways a very loving and important relationship together, is very painful.
But for me there is light at the end of the tunnel. I feel great and in many ways liberated. I won’t allow this experience – which I know is not as bad as some shared on this forum – to define me or bring me down. It is painful but from pain there’s growth. And I feel VERY wise now! Once again, thanks for the forum.
Elisabeth
Hi Elisabeth,
Welcome to the site! I’m glad you’re finding it helpful. After all the craziness you’ve been through, I’m so glad to hear that you’re seeing the light at the end of the tunnel! You sound very positive and are clearly moving forward on your healing journey. That’s wonderful!
I am very sorry to hear this “psychiatrist” is continuing to abuse and exploit patients for her own needs. Has she been reported?
All the best,
~Kristi
Thank you all for coming forward and telling your stories. I recently had this happen to me by my therapist. I am not really ready to talk about it yet. I just wanted to say thank you for starting this website. God Bless!
Is it normal to feel suicidal during this time. I feel like going away, or running away most of the time. No matter what I do, I can’t get away from these feelings.
I don’t know all that you’ve been through, but I think that “normal” can encompass a huge range of feelings and experiences, including serious existential depression. I know that I often felt like I didn’t know what I was doing here. I couldn’t understand why I was alive.
I hope that you have a strong support system you can turn to during this time. Friends, family, spiritual support, a new therapist (if you’re able), other healers, online support…
I have faith that you can make it through the tough times and heal. I offer you my own support and prayers. Leave whatever comments you like. Speaking out about what happened can be a huge aspect of the healing process!
~Kristi
Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. I’m just so confused and have no idea how to feel most of the time. Mostly, I feel numb and I blam myself alot of the time for this happening. I have told my husband, and he is actually willing to help me and doesn’t try to make me feel any worse about it. But, he also doesn’t ever talk about it or ask me how I am feeling. I’m so very grateful that he does not hate me and he has said he forgives me and want’s me to forgive myself and more on. But its not that easy. I’m not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself. How could I have been so stupid to have let this happen. Its affecting my everyday life. I am a nurse in the ER. I feel so emotional all the time and it makes it really hard to care for my patients. Today has been a pretty low day for me, and I also had to work all day, so that made it extra hard. At this point, I still go back and forth about feeling love for this man still, and absolutely hating his very existence! Thanks so much for listening! I feel so lucky to have found this website.
Teresa
Teresa,
I’m glad you found your way here! Is there a professional you can talk to about what happened? You may have PTSD and need some experienced support. I think it’s wonderful that your husband understands and supports you, and it would be good to also include some professional help in your support system, especially as it sounds like your job could be a stressful one. You will need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself and giving yourself some space to feel and heal. Remember what they say about needing to put on your own oxygen mask before addressing the needs of others. This is definitely a time for self-care!
It’s totally normal to feel love for the abuser. That may eventually subside as you go through the healing process and recover. Please do not blame yourself for what happened or feel pressured to “get over it.” If you’re up to it, there are some excellent articles and books that explain what happens to the victim. You can check out my Resources page for some of those. I particularly recommend the articles on TELL (www.therapyabuse.org).
Things WILL get better.
Kristi-
Thanks so much for taking the time to talk to me. I actually called and scheduled an appointment a couple of days ago with a new therapist. This time a “female”. It is in a whole new town far away from the town I went to to see my last therapist. Hopefully she can help me get through this. I’m really trying to have a positve outlook on this situation. I WILL not let it destroy me! I have my good days and bad days. Today just so happened to be a bad one. Thanks again for listening. I will keep you posted on how things are going.
Again, Thank you so much for having this website. I can’t tell you how good it feels to have realized that I’m not alone with this.
Teresa
I hope the new therapist is a great one!!
We’re here for you—and with you!
Kristi-
Well, I have been doing some research into what could happen if I turn my ex-therapist into the State Board of Psychology. As it turns out, it looks like the worst that could happen to him would be his license being suspended for the most 24 months. Wow, how depressing that was to find out. That seems like such a slap on the wrist for him after what he did to me emotionally and physically. With noing that information, I’m not even sure it would be worth turning him in and going through all of that.
I recently found out that he supposidely confessed what he did to his boss and had to go to another state for a week of treatment. And will probably get to keep his job. Sounds like they are willing to keep it hush, hush and just swep it under the rug.
Teresa
Wow. Is that all? Have you talked to an attorney? I recommend you get at least one professional opinion about your situation, just to make sure. This guy needs to be held accountable! Even if he did just get a “slap on the wrist,” at least there would be something on record and perhaps he would be less likely to do it again…? Don’t give up before exploring your options.
Good luck!
Thanks for the advice. I have been a little upset since I found that out. I don’t know that for sure, but I looked at all the cases on the internet and that was the worst punishment with the therapist being sexually abusive. Really kinda makes me sick to my stomach. But your right, even if its getting what he did on paper, maybe that would be enough. Had to cancel my appointment with the new therapist this week, due to weather conditions where I live. Rescheduled for next week. Maybe she will have some advise for me as to what I can do.
I would talk directly to the Board or to a lawyer. Sexually abusive therapists usually get their licenses revoked (if you can prove the offense)—and you can file a civil and possibly a criminal suit (depending on where you live). Your new therapist should be able to give you some information, but it’s best to check with someone who truly knows what they’re talking about.
Kristi-
I am thinking more and more about not turning this therapist into the board and just focusing more on my recovery with my new therapist. I just feel like turning him in is going to be a long complicated process that will just prolong everything and make it harder on me to recover from this. Do you think that is a good idea? Do you know of people that have done this and where happy with their decision. My husband also thinks this would be best for me. I just don’t know that turning him in is really going to help me find closure with this.
Teresa
Teresa,
Neither I nor anyone else can tell you what’s going to be best for you. That’s something that you’ll need to decide for yourself. Ask yourself what’s most important to you, what you need. Are you primarily concerned with your recovery? With getting money back? Protecting other people? Standing up for yourself publicly? Letting go and moving on? This is a very personal and individual decision. Ask yourself whether you’ll regret it if you don’t take action. If you think you will–or won’t–then that’s good information to take into consideration. There’s no question that taking action will cause “agitation.” It’s going to stir things up. For some people, this step is essential to their healing; for others, it may not be.
If you have time to think about it, I’d recommend discussing it with your new therapist, who hopefully has very good boundaries! This person may be able to support you in making this decision better than someone close to you, who will have their own opinion and possibly a vested interest in your actions. An objective opinion will be more helpful.
And I’d recommend not getting too attached to finding “closure.” If the abusive therapist does not recognize, much less take responsibility for, his actions, closure may feel a bit elusive. And the healing process can take a while, depending on your level of dissociation during the abuse.
See if you can identify your concerns and fears about taking action and about not taking action. What comes up for you?
Feel free to contact me privately through the contact page if you want to ask me any specific questions.
All the best,
Kristi
Kristi-
Thank you! You certainly have given me some information to think about. Thanks again for taking the time to relpy.
So happy to help! Good luck with the decision. Take your time.
Kristi-
I went to my c0unseling session Wednesday. They are setting my up with a social worker that I will see next week. I’m wondering do you think a Psychologist would be more of what I need than a Social Worker?
Oh, I’m not sure their degree matters. The important thing is going to be their level of experience with abuse and trauma and how well you connect with the person. It’s a really good idea to prepare a list of questions beforehand so that you can find out what you want to know about this person. You want to find someone who’s a good fit, and sometimes that means shopping around. Remember that this person is going to be serving your needs, so know what your needs are and then take responsibility for making sure they get met. This can be a terrifically empowering step for a survivor.
When I was looking for a new therapist, I made sure I had conversations with everyone before I agreed to meet them. I had a list of about ten questions—about everything from their background, their experience with trauma and abuse, their approach, whether they did EMDR, what kind of therapeutic container they provided, how they’d describe their boundaries, and of course how much they charged, when their available times were, and practical stuff like that. I kept notes on everyone I talked to. I also really checked in with myself about how I felt while they were talking. Did I feel listened to? Heard? Understood? Did I like their voice (or not)? Did they say anything weird—anything that felt off or inappropriate? I paid really, really close attention to how I was feeling and whether anything seemed like a red flag.
I think a lot of us assume that the first counselor we see will be good enough, and we don’t think to “comparison shop.” But that’s how we can get into trouble—by assuming that we should be satisfied with the first person we see, and choosing to ignore little niggling doubts and concerns that can become huge problems later. Whatever you decide to do, PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR EXPERIENCE and don’t discount anything. If you have doubts, check in with someone you trust and have them “reality check” it for you.
Good luck!
Thanks so much! I will keep you posted with how things go.
Teresa
WOW…. I am in the midst of a hell of a mess…. I am so confused… December of 09 I left my husband… It was a terrible relationship… I moved with my kiddo over a thousand miles away… I set up a new home and began creating a new life for us… Over the course of 8 months I became increasingly depressed and was to the point last October that I was despondent, almost completely non-verbal, and virtually unable to function… I ended up in a out-patient treatment program and was severely depressed… My therapist at the hospital was very kind, empathetic, caring, and seemed to genuinely care about my well being… So, when discharge time came, I felt very grateful when he told me that he would “take me on in his private practice” even though he was not supposed to acquire patients that way – he said it was against the professional code of ethics that had been established by the state board… He told me we had a therapeutic connection and that he felt like he could really help me… I felt like he REALLY must care about me a lot to put himself at risk to care for me… Well, six months later… We are involved in a sexual relationship… He swears that he is in love with me…. That we have a “connection” that he has never felt before… There are several problems associated with this situation beyond the obvious… He is married, he has a child, he tells me that even though he has this unbelievable connection with me… He makes me feel like he is sacrificing his whole life for me… I consider myself a fairly intelligent person… And, I am wondering how I could get myself caught up in such a situation… He makes me feel like I am the most special person in the world… But, on the other hand it is such a burden… I feel responsible for “breaking his heart” if I stop seeing him… I tried to terminate therapy like two months into it… I was starting to feel like it was getting to be too much… He told me it was transference I was feeling and that it was helpful for the therapeutic relationship… He told me that it was his role to help me know what a kind and loving relationship should feel like… Now, here we are 6 months later… Texting and talking everyday… And being intimate two and three times a week… He is a very well respected person in the area… I do not believe that he has done this before… However, I ask myself what makes me so special that he would put his whole life at risk – just for me and only me??? I do not know what to think or do… I have a terrible feeling about what is transpiring between us… But, I feel powerless to stop it… He just seems to know exactly what to do or say when I feel like I want or need to pull away… I feel trapped – and like I am kind of a dirty little secret… The situation is not balanced… It is on his terms… And, I feel like I have no control in how things happen… What a terrible horrible mess… I am angry because I attribute my feeling better and like my old self to his helpfulness and care… He is a very important part of my life right now… And, I do not want to lose what it is he brings to my life… But, the boundaries are so muddied I do not think things can be recovered… What in the heck am I to do with this…
As I’m sure part of you knows, this is a very bad situation. This man has completely violated professional boundaries and has engaged you in an abusive relationship. You are now taking care of his needs, rather than him taking care of yours. The transference and power dynamic make it exceptionally hard for you to resist him and to get away, but really, you need to do whatever you can to get away from him and out from under his influence. If you don’t, this could go on and on. Right now, he has all the power. As long as you stay with him, that will not change. He will always have the power. He will continue to be able to control you. He knows your history and your psyche, and he will use that knowledge to keep you giving him what he wants. Don’t blame yourself for any of what is happening and don’t feel like you have to do it all on your own. Get support. Tell people what’s going on. Find a professional you trust who can help you get out of the relationship.
I encourage you to seek out another therapist whom you can trust (perhaps you can get a referral from a friend?), and tell them what’s going on. It would be best if you could break off contact with this man altogether, but I understand that may be hard. I would also encourage you to start reading some of the articles available on the TELL website, which are excellent resources regarding this type of abuse. And as you read more on this website, you’ll find that your experience is not uncommon.
Feel free to contact me privately through the Contact page if you need some personal support.
I know you can do this. You have the strength inside of you to free yourself from this situation.
Kristi
Kristi, My story seems so similar to yours. I am now getting help and I am discussing medications to help me with my PTSD symptoms. I know everyone is different, but which medications did you find most effective for treating PTSD, anxieties and depression? Were there any that you tried that you had intolerable side effects with, or ones you have heard we should stay away from? I have a new therapist, a woman, who is very helpful, but I am having trouble between sessions. Thanks for this additional place to turn, Annie
Hi Annie,
I actually never took medication for PTSD. I did a lot of therapy and EMDR and I also did a fair amount of complementary medicine, such as acupuncture, etc. (which included Chinese herbs). I ate a very healthy diet and took appropriate vitamins and supplements and learned to manage my symptoms. Sorry I can’t help you with information about this. I’m not big on drugs and am more familiar with other methods for health and healing. I’m sure you can find some good information on line about meds for PTSD. If I come across something I’ll let you know.
Good luck!
~Kristi
Hi Kristi,
I had an extreme crush on my therapist. Fortunately, he suggested I see another therapist. It would have been so easy for him to take advantage of the transferance I was feeling. I would have probably done anything for him even though I am married and wouldn’t want to – it’s so complicated. I am thankful for your post. I will keep it in mind for the next therapist I see as I feel I am bound to have more transferance issues. My husband tells me I’m always in control of my feelings – but it’s different in therapy – when you are supposed to express them…
Hi Shawna,
I really appreciate your comment. Transference is normal, even expected, within the therapeutic context due to the fiduciary nature of the relationship and the inherent power differential. A good therapist can work with that without taking advantage. Remember that it is ALWAYS the therapist’s responsibility to manage the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship, never the patient’s. Problems arise when the therapist cannot handle that responsibility or chooses to exploit it. I think it’s great that you were able to recognize what was happening for you and bring it up with your therapist—and that he was sufficiently aware of his own limitations to refer you to someone else.
Therapy is for suckers……Dr t is a sicko and needs to have his balls stomped on in prison. However, I did not see anywhere in this story where you take any personal responsibility for what happened. Dr T is not magic……he is just a good trickster and you fell for it. And you got PAID on top of it all.
Did you donate your insurance settlement to abused children?
You tell a sad story from a certain point of view.
Hi, thanks for your comment. You seem to have a strong opinion about therapy and I’m wondering where that comes from. Why do you think therapy is for suckers?
You say that you did not see anywhere in the story where I took any personal responsibility for what happened. I’m curious. Given the fiduciary nature of the therapeutic relationship and the fact that therapists are bound not only by professional ethics but in some cases by state law to uphold professional boundaries and have no sexual contact with patients, what is it you think a patient would be responsible for? Would you say the same thing to a victim of clergy abuse? Domestic sexual abuse? A teenager who was seduced by a teacher? According to psychologists, due to the nature of the relationship, it is not actually possible for a patient to give authentic consent to a sexual relationship with his/her therapist. And sex between a therapist and a patient is considered the equivalent of incest. You may think it’s totally different from child abuse, but actually, because of the fiduciary nature of the relationship and the inherent power differential between a therapist and a patient, there are a lot of similarities. Abusive therapists groom their victims in much the same way that pedophiles groom theirs. By the time sex enters the picture, the patient isn’t able to say no. It’s also true that many people who have been sexually violated by their therapists end up suffering from PTSD for years to come. So civil settlements (such as mine) are often used to treat the subsequent health and medical issues that result from the abuse and exploitation. So it’s not like anyone gets “paid.” The therapist basically steals money from the patient, since the patient is paying for therapy sessions that have nothing to do with therapy. A settlement just gives the money back and perhaps provides compensation for future medical care. I have yet to hear of anyone getting rich off their settlement.
I just found this website and I am not sure what happened to me qualifies as ‘abuse’ but to me it feels like emotional abuse. I saw a therapist for over 3 years for an eating disorder and he quit being a therapist last year. I was devastated but the worse part was the so called ‘transition’ period which lasted for over a month, twice a week. He only wished to talk about himself and became cold and distant and ever bitter towards me. I actually confronted him one day about his behavior and he said, “You should have told me you wanted all the attention in here.” When I asked if we could finish up some trauma issues during our last weeks together he said, “Why do you have to talk about everything all the time.” I have now looked back on all those years of being in my anorexia state of dependency and vulnerability and there were many red flags along the way of situations that were inappropriate. I was told he looked forward to my sessions the most. After the first year I gave him a copy of my year long journal with him thinking he could use it educating the public or other therapists at speaking engagements. The next week I came in for my appointment and he informed me he gave it to an intern for a week. I was very upset and he told me I should have told him what I wanted him to use it for and that I had no legal rights. I felt defeated at the time. He also shared intimate info with me about his past life and told me he had not even shared this info with his wife. I thought at the time he was just trying to make me feel like I he wasn’t perfect even though he had a Phd. There are so many other situations that I look back now on as inappropriate. I was so caught up in transference and I even questioned whether I was in love with him. Of course I know now I wasn’t. The day I walked in to his office and he announced he was quitting his practice he told me he was the most anxious about telling me. So I felt guilty because I was so needy for his approval. It has been 11 months since that time and I now have a good therapist who is trying to help me through this. I feel lost alone and cannot get out of this feeling of being used. I shared more with this man than anyone in my entire life. I am thankful to no longer be in that situation but I have been so depressed since then. I would welcome anyone’s input on what happened to me. I have to say, I am also thankful he is no longer a therapist.
Hi Ann,
The situation you describe with your former therapist sounds very abusive. Your therapy should have been about you and your needs. He should have left himself and his own needs entirely out of it. What he did was very violating of you. He put you in the position of having to consider and cater to his needs—putting them before your own. He also violated your confidentiality. I can totally understand why you’re feeling used! You would have every right to file a complaint against this person. If that’s something you may be interested in, I suggest you contact an attorney right away, before it’s been a full year (in case there is a statute of limitations). I have some attorneys who specialize in therapist abuse listed on my Legal page.
I’m glad you’ve found a good therapist to work with! It’s really important to have some good support for the healing process. I hope you also discover, through reading through the posts on this site, that you’re not alone!
~Kristi
Hi Kristi,
Thank you so much for your kind words of support. I cannot tell you what a relief it is to finally find a place I can not feel alone. Although the emotional abuse I went through is nothing like what so many others on this site have experienced I still feel ‘shell shocked’. I had a session today with my new therapist and he has officially diagnosed me with PTSD which by the way I already had from years of being sexually abused by an uncle in my childhood. Speaking of that, I remember one time I finally got up the courage to share the abuse with my previous therapist. I even emailed him my uncle’s website for his business and when I arrived at my next session my therapist told me how he had shared the website with his wife and she said my uncle should have his you know what cut off. I was so horrified he told his wife about me and he said, “Well I have to have someone to talk to.”. He always had a way of dodging responsibility.
Do you have PTSD too? For the past year I just feel dead inside. I have gained lots of weight too. Not such an uplifting thing since I was anorexic just a year ago. I feel so stupid for allowing myself for being so taken advantage of.
My current therapist thinks I have a good case against the old therapist but I have chosen not to seek legal action.
This guy sounds like a real piece of work! It’s so inappropriate that he discussed you with his wife—and then told you what she said!
Yes, I’ve had PTSD. I’m doing MUCH better now, but the first couple of years were very difficult—lots of anxiety, hypervigilance, etc. (I did write a blog about it called “Aftermath – or The Joys of PTSD”) EMDR helped me a lot with my PTSD symptoms, as did time…
Hi,
Thank you for your response. I read your ‘Aftermath’ story. Wow, you have really been through the ringer! You are a courageous soul and a true inspiration to all of us! What I found profound was I have and am still going through. I am always looking over my shoulder and searching parking lots when I go places. My new therapist is just a block south of the other therapists office so it brings up emotions unexpectedly.
I want to ask you if you discussed your situation with any of your close friends? I have tried but I don’t share much because I sense they do not have a clue what I am going through and why would they? Unless a person has been through intense long term therapy they do not understand this is a genuine intimate relationship!
I am left feeling numb, sad, and used on so many levels and like you the years I saw this man, twice a week by the way, now feel like a waste and so very, very unhealthy! I am thankful he is no longer a practicing psychologist!
Yes, I agree that it’s hard for people to understand unless they’ve been in therapy, studied psychology, or have a sense of the power dynamic that exists in relationships with helping professionals. Even then, sometimes people get that it’s “wrong” but they don’t grasp the actual effect it has on a victim. Basically, what I did was tell some friends the general overview of what had happened and then hoped they’d ask me about it. They usually didn’t. So I resorted to talking about it mostly with subsequent therapists who did understand and helped me sort it out. And I don’t think anyone but my therapists really had a clue about what it was like having PTSD. I think a lot of people think that once you’re out of a bad situation it’s “over.” They don’t grasp that there can be serious after-effects. Public awareness and understanding of therapist abuse is still pretty minimal, so we’re doing what we can to change that.
Wow, thank you for sharing your story. You are an amazinly strong woman!
I’m unsure where to begin. I had a first marriage that was physically abusive, and a very controlling father growing up. Meaning I grew up with a real Daddy Complex as they say. I looked to older men for answers, etc. When I got away from my first husband, I met and married my second who is 16 years my elder. I have been open, honest and upfront with him about everything. I was abused by my Neurologist who gave me medications to control PTSD from early events in my life and my first marriage. He took advantage of my need for praise and kept me on meds that years later, I am cutting down and getting off of. He made me feel so dependent upon him. The sun rose and set on him. I saw him monthly, and the last session, now seven years ago, was booked when nobody was in the office. He sexually assualted me and later lost his right to practice, as I was not the only victim. I am still pro therapy 100%, but I have major trust issues when it comes to all doctors. I now have a therapist who I have real feelings for. I had an immediate attraction to him and after 8 session last year, had to leave him. I could not handle my attraction, nor did I know how to even approach the subject. I’m back seeing him after a long extended family illness, and feeling the need for a therapist again. I have finally told him that I really was attracted to him. I wrote him and also told him face to face. This was very hard for me given my abuse history and the abuse from my doctor. I even went to far as to ask my therapist out for coffee! I’m in my early 40’s, make life choices on my own, and feel a true trust in this man. I do not want to cheat on my husband, but the idea of being near, with, or hanging with my doctor excites me like a young person. I have true, real feelings for him and its not because he’s “healing me” because he isn’t. He said he felt we keep our relationship on a professional level. I felt so put off and hurt, even though I do understand. He never seems to address what I am saying to him. On a side note, I fear I may have PMDD and I need other treatment. I cannot seem to leave this therapist. He seems caring, has me check in with him and does not mind if I e-mail him or leave messages if I’m having a tough day or even recently a family loss. He also returns my calls and does seem to really care. I’ve asked about a possible countertransference on his part and he never says anything. I’m withholding things that I think will “put him off”, so I’m not even being the true me in therapy. I need to move on, but I do need closure. Does anyone have any advice at all? I can see the dangers of him agreeing to see me. I can also see that fact that he should refer me to someone else. I’m truly thankful you are out of your abusive situation and you sound like a very strong woman. Thank you, Amy.
Hi Amy,
Thanks for sharing your story. That sounds like a really difficult situation you’re in right now. It’s good that you are aware of what’s happening for you in the relationship, even if you can’t stop or do anything about it. I’m also glad to hear that your therapist is sticking to the professional boundaries—so far. If he were to cross the line into any other kind of relationship with you the results would likely be catastrophic. I know you want closure before moving on, but I doubt you’ll find any kind of closure until you deal with the childhood father issues that you bring to the situation. Those are the issues that are going to keep you wanting a more intimate relationship with him and that you will bring to your future relationships. If he were a really good, really strong therapist, it’s possible that the two of you could work through the transference issues at play in the relationship. But he’d have to be able to really stick to those boundaries. Once he crosses the line, it’s over. So it might be easier to deal with this stuff with a therapist who doesn’t trigger those feelings in you—and who is also extremely strong and well-boundaried. Have you considered working with a female therapist? Many of us who’ve been in sexually abusive relationships with our male therapists find it necessary to stick with female therapists, at least for a while (although any therapeutic relationship can be abusive if the therapist does not have good boundaries). I’m not sure what else to suggest. Personally, I might get a recommendation for another therapist (perhaps a female) who specializes in abuse issues, and at least go for a consultation. Tell that person your history and what’s going on for you with this therapist and see what they suggest. You need to have someone to talk to who you can be honest with and share what’s happening for you emotionally—without getting entangled in this degree of transference. That’s my opinion. Perhaps others will have some good advice to share as well.
Wishing you strength and courage!
Kristi
Thank you for posting your story! I was in a similar situation. Even though it ended five years ago, I often feel dead but breathing. I feel like he took everything of value and left behind an empty shell. With two kids, I have no choice but to go through the motions. It is next to impossible for me to imagine what comes next. I had built a pretty good life, but the abuse, depression, suicide attempt and PTSD have destroyed my marriage, career, friendships and spirituality.
I am trying hard to focus on the fact that it is not happening now. It is over. My mistakes haunt me. Have you found any tricks that have helped you forgive yourself? I was married and my therapist was married and I wonder what kind of person could do what I did.
I think I am starting to heal a little. I still don’t trust anyone, but I think I am starting to feel my core self somewhere inside of me. My abuser chose to not renew his license to avoid a hearing. He pled guilty to multiple counts of 3rd degree criminal sexual penetration. Despite a supposed minimum three year sentence for each count, he has not spent any time in jail. He was ordered by the judge to have no therapeutic relationships (he was caught volunteering as a counselor since license expired and was not renewed) and now he is a life coach.
I have had lots of therapy but just can’t enter that trusting and vulnerable space enough for it to work. I feel incredibly stuck. I am hoping you will have suggestions for moving forward.
Did you move out of the area? Have you ever run into T in your community? I saw my abuser at the store. I am constantly on guard against running into him. Do you still watch for T wherever you go?
Hi, thanks so much for sharing your story!
I think everyone has a different recovery and healing process, so there’s no way to know if what worked for me will work for you. I did a lot of healing work (from traditional to new age), and I think all of it helped in one way or another. I found EMDR particularly helpful, much more so than any kind of talk therapy. It did reduce my PTSD symptoms though it did not get rid of them completely. That being said, my recovery felt kind of slow-going, though in the grand scheme of things it really progressed very well. I actually did not move out of the area and did live in fear of running into him. But my fears gradually lessened over time and I was able to handle things more and more. And while I went through a long period of googling his name semi-frequently as a way of “tracking” him, eventually I was able to be disciplined enough to stop, and later I lost interest in knowing anything more about him. I did a lot of spiritual work as well, largely on my own, and I think that really helped me, especially in terms of forgiving myself (and eventually him). I did have a close encounter at a grocery store about a year ago (which I wrote about) and found that for the most part, I was totally okay afterward. That’s how I knew I was really getting over it. That was about six years after it ended. But I was very lucky in not running into him for those few years after it all happened. That could have been very traumatic for me, though it might also have helped me get through the fear faster. For me, some “exposure therapy” actually worked, though it happened mostly by accident. About six months ago I moved out of the area, so I no longer have to worry about the possibility of running into him.
If you can do some kind of trauma work, either with or without a therapist, I think that’s very important. Trauma can have a huge impact on your nervous system, and I personally don’t think talk therapy can resolve it. You need something like EMDR, Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing work, Belleruth Naparstek’s visualization methods (see the Books & Media page), or some other kind of trauma therapy to get it out of your system. That’s my best recommendation. And if you lean toward any spiritual practices, that also can help you deal with the more spiritual issues of letting go, forgiveness, etc.
Just know that it is possible to heal. It takes time, but you can do it!
Wow, this happened to me with a male psychologist when I was in middle school. Only, he was playing a far more deadly game where he persuaded juveniles to commit serious crimes so they would be incarcerated and considered unreliable witnesses. Then, he would handle their “rehabilitation”(i.e. sexually exploit them) More than 30 years later, I still deal with the pain on a daily basis. It has destroyed nearly every relationship I ever had. Thank you for writing this article. It is the first time I have ever encountered anyone else who had a similar experience.
Phil,
I’m so sorry to hear what you went through. For a child to be manipulated like that by a trusted adult is incredibly traumatic and can have unimaginable repercussions throughout their life. I wish for you all the care and support you need for your healing.
Hi, Phil,
I wish I could say I was shocked to read your description of the abuse you survived, but I am not. Far, far too much of this kind of horrifying behavior has been happening for a very long time. Never think that you are alone — you certainly are not. There are lots of us out here. Have you been able to get any therapy or counseling or other treatment to help you with the harm of your abuse? In my own experience with therapist abuse (which is chronologically farther away even than your own), I had thought at one time (mid-1970s) that I had “healed” as best I could and that there was little chance for me to progress much further. My personal relationships had suffered mightily, as well. But then the priest abuse revelations started to be made public early in the 21st century, and I was getting “triggered” all over the place. Things were going downhill fast. I went to an employee assistance program and found a therapist. It wasn’t a perfect situation, but I believe the time and effort I put in there (and the therapist’s help), more than 30 years “after the fact,” opened the door for me to improve my life enormously. It helped me to get free of much of the guilt and fear I’d felt for decades.
If you are continuing to deal with the pain and still having relationship difficulties (not at all surprising), it might be a very good idea to look into the possibility of some counseling now or, if that’s not an option, attendance at a support group might be of help. (And some groups are for men only, if that sounds preferable.) It can really make life better. Even though decades have passed, your life is not over. Please don’t think it is.
And have you looked at the Resources section of the STA website, perhaps especially:
http://1in6.org/
and
http://www.malesurvivor.org/
Both of these concentrate on the experiences of male abuse survivors. You might also want to look here:
http://www.bergencatholicabuse.com
This site presents stories of abuse perpetrated on some of the young men who attended a well-known Catholic high school in New Jersey. The abuse survivors who comment are now middle-aged men with insights to offer on what happened to them so many years ago and left impacts they must continue to deal with in the present.
Whether or not your abuse occurred in a religious setting, much of the damage done may well have much in common with what is experienced by survivors of priest abuse. I have found information and discussion on both these sites to be quite helpful. SNAP holds support groups in a great many communities in the US and around the world. Their website is here:
http://www.snapnetwork.org
I do hope you can benefit with some of these resources.
Hi Kristi,
Hope you don’t mind me asking you a question or two. It helps talking to someone that has some idea of what I am going through. It will be 1 year since I saw my therapist for the last time next month. I cannot believe the year I have had. I feel like I am living in a fog and it feels like someone died. I feel cheated and emotionally raped. That probably sounds a bit harsh but I shared my entire life story with this therapist, twice a week for 3 1/2 years. I can’t believe the dude quit practicing. I mean how often does that happen to someone? Oh and before I saw this guy I was a seeing a wonderful psychologist who just happened to blow his brains out after my session with him. I was his final patient. Then after my recent therapist quit I tried another psychologist and he nearly fell asleep several times and I quit. Thank goodness I have one that is not suicidal, planning to quit, doesn’t get sleepy and treats me with respect and is professional. I have joked I could write a country song about this stuff but truthfully it isn’t one bit funny to be honest.
So my question is, have you felt this bad after your experience? Which I understand was VERY traumatic.
Cherie
Hi Cherie,
That sounds awful! I can’t even imagine what that must be like for you. It’s just crazy!
I respect everyone’s experience as being completely unique, so I don’t see there being value in comparing one person’s experience to another. Besides, it’s not so much about what happened to us, it’s about how we feel about what happened and what we make it mean about ourselves. The experience we have comes from our response to the events, from our own unique perspectives and beliefs. What is traumatic for one person may not be as traumatic to another. It’s all completely individual. So it all comes down to how you feel about what happened.
Hi Everyone,
I couldn’t believe it when I saw this last night, I didn’t think I was the only person that this had happened to, but I had no idea it was as common as this. My situation is a little bit different however bu I couldn’t find anything on the internet that was more suited than this site. I started havin alcohol key work sessions after realising that I wouldn’t see my 21st birthday if I continued to drink. It was a problem that had been going on for about 7 years beforehand. The therapist (or key worker whatever he wants to call himself) was a 43 year old man who, on the day of closing my case added me on facebook that night. I was still drinking, and he knew this, although I finally gave up at the start of May. At the start of August he invited me round to his house for the day, and to be honest, I knew it was wierd but I was isolating quite badly from my sponsor and AA meetings and thought “Hey, he’s been clean 5 years, he works at the treatment centre, I couldn’t be in a safer place etc etc etc”. Anyway, one thing led to another and we were sleeping with each other pretty quickly. I was struggling to stay off alcohol at the time, but he assured me that it was normal, and if I was to drink again I was stupid, immature and all those other things. The age gap was the elephant in the room but he constantly told me about people that he knew that had large age gaps in their relationships and that it would be alright. It was extrememly intense and we told each other how much we loved one another all the time. Gradually though, he decided he had more important things to do, such as not texting me on my 6 month sobriety anniversary (a big deal to us lot!) saying that he was too busy, but had made a long playlist for a woman he knew, and had been on facebook all night to other women, knowing that I would see it when I got home. He gave me the impression that he was doing me a massive favour moving his busy schedule around for me. At this point I needed to go back and use the treatment service, as abstaining from alcohol had become too hard without the help of nearly an ounce of cannabis a week. I happened upon this arsehole’s twitter account one night, and it was just one post after another of hi m telling women they were hot, that he was in the area that they lived in, referring to me as his “midlife crisis sex thing”, details about our sex life and pictures of me that I didn’t know he’d taken. It was suddenly crystal clear to me what a narcissistic, insecure attention whore he was and I couldn’t believe how stupid I’d been. I turned up at an AA meeting shaking, crying and with a litre bottle of gin in my bag. I never did drink the gin thank god, and I wouldn’t be writing this now if I had. My sponsor reported him anonymously first thing in the morning, and then came round to my house to tell me. She didn’t know about what had happened the night before and was shocked but extremely happy that I was going to help her report him. We printed off every facebook message and tweet that was relevant and he was sacked the next day for gross misconduct. However, he had already secured a job working in a different treatment centre, and as the first place’s references had already gone out, they have no idea about this man. The day that I reported him, he rang me for a chat and started telling me how he’d picked a 21 year old crack addict up from his work to get her ready for detox the next day. He thought there was something funny about the fact that she was sorting out her underwear in his bedroom, and chastised me for being angry. After he had been fired and realised it was me that had reported him, I got the mandatory “Do you know what you’ve done you bitch, I cant pay for my daughter, people re going to suffer because you’ve taken me away from them blah blah “. He is currently being investigated by the Independent Safeguarding Authority without his knowledge, but is still in his job until they reach a decision. But now it feels like he has moved on, never cared about me anyway, used me for sex, ruined my early recovery by turning me into a blubbing emotional mess and is still let loose around vulnerable young women. I on the other hand sit up for hours every night crying that I miss him, and sometimes am sure that I should have just kept my mouth shut. Who am I to report this wonderful, caring man who did the best he could for a worthless little drunkard who can’t keep her mouth shut?
Hmm.. sorry if this makes no sense at all, but I feel better just for writing this. I know this may not be the appropriate forum for this due to the substance abuse but I don’t think anyone else that I’ve told understand how emotionally and psychologically battered I feel by this, least of all HIM. I would be so greatful for any feedback as this is completely eating me up at the moment and I feel unable to continue with my recovery. Back in the day, a bottle of vodka first thing in the morning would have been the answer, but as I can no onger do this it feels doubly hard. Does anyone else struggle with the feelings of unfairness?
Laura xxxxx
Hi Laura,
Welcome to the site! I think I can safely say that most if not all of us have struggled with the same kinds of feelings you are experiencing. (For example, check out my post “Taking Action Against the Abuser – Emotions and Inner Conflict” and the poem called “Split” towards the bottom of the Creativity page.) Everything you wrote about your feelings and experience makes perfect sense. You entrusted yourself to him, looked up to him as a caretaker/parent, and he took advantage of the power differential inherent in the situation and completely violated your boundaries and your trust. Despite there being a part of you that is strong and empowered and able to take action to hold him accountable, there’s still another part of you that deeply wants his love and care. It feels like an impossible conundrum, and unfortunately you just need to sit with that. It does get better over time and with the appropriate kind of care and support. I encourage you to find a therapist or someone else who understands that this was an abusive violation and who can support you in your recovery. In addition to what’s here on this site, you might also want to check out some of the articles on TELL http://www.therapyabuse.org. Yes, they’re geared toward therapist abuse, but you’ll probably find a lot of cross-over. You can also check out AdvocateWeb.org. You are definitely welcome here, so feel free to comment and write as you like. You are strong and a survivor. I know you can make it through this!
Ptsd from this?
Is that an official medical diagnosis?
I suspect you are suffering from anxiety which causes depersonalisation- not PTSD.
You won’t have any post traumatic stress – nevermind the ‘D’
Ptsd? Are you serious??! What a loada rubbish!
Take some responsibility for your own actions. Yes- you’re therapist shouldn’t have seduced you or had sex with you. You didn’t have to have sex with him.
Get a grip.
Due to the transference that occurs in the therapist-patient relationship, psychologists actually consider therapist-patient sex to be similar in effect to incest between a parent and child. (The same is true for clergy abuse.) It is incredibly traumatizing for the victim and many people spend years trying to recover from the betrayal.
It’s very common for people who have been in abusive situations to wind up with post traumatic stress disorder. In her landmark book Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman, M.D. proposed the diagnosis “Complex PTSD” for people who’d been in long-term situations of abuse, held hostage or in captivity, been in cults, etc. If you’d like to know more about how people in such situations develop PTSD, you might want to check out the book. I also wrote a post about Complex PTSD that you can read.
I cannot believe you’re actually comparing this to a pedophilic/incestuous relationship. You should be ashamed of yourself. Stop playing the victim. You CHOSE to have sex with this man. Take responsibility for your actions for cryin’ out loud. You weren’t raped, you weren’t hit. You suffered MAYBE from emotional abuse. Get over yourself. Shame on you for acting like this is the same as rape or pedophilia. What a joke! And don’t start lecturing me on PTSD. As someone who has this disorder, it is NOT what you describe. PTSD is permanent damage. It’s flashbacks to being beaten and raped that make you shake uncontrollably. It’s an ugly terrible thing and for you diminish it like this is deplorable. Shame on you. It’s not being bummed out about the therapist/boyfriend who cheated on you. You made a CHOICE. Own up to your mistakes and move on. Abuse implies lack of choice. PTSD is serious. Jeez louise. I normally would not respond to this, but when you compare it to incest/rape/pedophilia I cannot sit quietly by. I’m sorry you were duped by this jerk, and yes he sounds like a real piece of work, but really…people experience FAR worse things than you did and don’t go around telling everyone how they have PTSD and that they are victims. I have this disorder, and I’m a survivor, not a victim. Stop acting PTSD is a victim’s disease and stop with the self-pity.
Hi Lola,
I appreciate your comment, even though I know it’s going to upset a lot of the therapist abuse survivors who visit this site. I’d like to respond to a couple of things you say. First, I want to clarify that any comparison of therapist abuse to incest I make is based on the findings of psychologists who study this type of abuse; it’s not something I personally came up with. Second, I want to clarify that I did not diagnose myself with PTSD; I was diagnosed by subsequent therapists, my doctor, and other health practitioners. Yes, PTSD is serious, and it encompasses a wide spectrum of symptoms for those who have suffered many different types of trauma, including abuse by their therapists.
I understand you believe that this was a choice, but if you read the research and literature about therapist abuse you’ll find that there is agreement not only within the psychological community but also in the legal system that there is no such thing as consent for sex between a therapist and a patient. This is not a peer relationship but a fiduciary relationship with an inherent power differential that puts the therapist in a position of authority over the patient. This makes it very hard for a patient to say no to an abusive therapist, much as a child would be unable to say no to their parent. In many states it is against the law for a therapist to have sex with his or her patient, regardless of the patient’s age.
You don’t have to take my word for any of this; read the books and literature about therapist abuse and visit TELL (www.therapyabuse.org), a site that has many wonderful articles about therapist abuse.
I am sorry to hear that you are suffering from PTSD and I wish you all the best in your recovery and healing.
It really blows my mind how many people have similar stories to mine. Different, unique yet so commonly familiar with the control and unbelievable acts. I still have to say this website has been a life saver for me personally. My contact ended awhile ago with the “T” but feels like just today. I felt in control like I would be okay and then I felt slammed against a wall the last 48 hours. Up and down (more down) and finally admitting I needed serious help. I already suffered from PTSD but I guess dismissed the severity of the grip it can have on someone. I felt relief calling my local crisis hotline but I guess since the “situation” didn’t just happen today I thought as if my crisis was not really a crisis to be taken seriously on a call. Thank goodness the lady on the receiving end made me feel that I was important and in crisis and had every right to deserve respect and listening without interruption. I’m anxiously awaiting the caller she said would be calling me sometime next week. She was going to refer my exploitation by therapist crisis to the coordinator of this crisis line. I think once I let myself have permission to continue grieving if I needed and seek more means of help I could breathe easier. Why would I burden myself with the pressure of assuming this should all go away in a couple weeks or months? Well I did assume I was weak if I couldn’t do such a thing. Vicious cycle keeps saying your alone all alone, no your not, Yes you are and back and forth. It’s strange because with my personal PTSD at times during therapy I would get so frustrated and tell the “T” I felt forgetful and why am I unable to recall certain events etc. I was always told trauma can do that and it was very normal. I can recount all the Major, sick unethical things he did to me but in just the last 48 or so hours I became freaked out because other events that took place suddenly came back to me!! Is this normal too? I hope to be able to talk to a professional or group support to feel more at ease. I felt in control after reporting the situation that I told what he did and handed over the emails and All proof but now I think more actually happened. I can now recall waking up feeling like I slept very deep sleep for Hours reclined in a chair while listening to something and the lights were out or very dimmed. Oh No, why and how could I forget this? Now I feel so bad that I could let something like this actually slip my memory and why -how did it suddenly reappear?? I’m going to just let it out, write it all down and hopefully ask a professional. How can I know if what he did was normal and okay protocal? I will not make myself stressed anymore but after everything I’ve learned recently I’m now asking myself if this was some form of Hynosis? He was very specialized in head injuries (the Brain) especially and isn’t that just convient for someone wanting to manipulate another. Funny how it can take being away from a situation to see how you had such an unfair setting and he was skilled with the upper hand. I needed to get that one out. I hope this crisis coordinator has a good referral because I need to stop feeling so afraid. How dare him feeling it was okay to just randomly hand out my personal info and phone number to people I did not know. What the H–was he thinking? I know he wasn’t!! He also wanted to take photos of me for “my resume” he would say. Huh? I’m not some model or actress needing a head shot so it just angers me. Like a lot of these “T’s” they always had some convincing story or explanation that made some sense at the time. I’m exhausted and alone and look forward to some group therapy or someone that specializes in this type of thing.
Amy, Run from this male therapist, it is way to risky. I saw my therapist for over 35 years. He was in my wedding, my wife and I both saw him for marital and individual therapy. I was severly abused as a child, both mentally and sexually for years. This so called therapist abused my wife sexually twenty five years ago, I just found out that he also abused my wife 6 years ago. She filed for divorce two years ago, and I worked with T for almost a year on the phone, he told me that if I needed to see him he would see me . My wife told me almost a year ago what happened and we are trying to move on with our live. The betrayal is unbelieveable , I filed a lawsuit and took my wife to the police station, we also have notified the state board of licensing. Amy something about you and this therapist sets off warning signals. Find a female therapist please. The pain and trauma are debilating. Don’t ever have any personal relationship with a male therapist. I feel that you are way to vunerable
Please take care , Don
Amy , Don Again listen to Kristi it is good advise
I am absolutely blown away by how similar our abuse stories are! I was abused by both a therapist and a minister who also claimed to be a licensed counselor. And, of course, they both called themselves “Christian counselors”. And they were both women.
The main difference between your story and mine is that the first abuse happened 20 years ago and the second one happened eight years ago. It is only in the last three months that I have begun to face this. I was triggered by an incident of child abuse by a psychiatrist that happened at the hospital I work at. It seems as if the memories surfaced without warning. One day I am fine enjoying my weekend, the next day, I am overwhelmed with memories, thoughts, feelings, fear…
I have a therapist now that I believe I can trust. I have seen her for a year now, and looking back, I see that I was testing her, sizing her up, was she safe?, was she going to hurt me?, was she going to get mad at me?, would she think I was a liar?, would she realize the intensity of the betrayal?, and so on.
I have gotten support from TELL responders and it has been invaluable. So, I am a newbie, so to speak, in my journey to heal. Any thought, word, sign of spirituality affects me greatly, in an extremely painful and frightening way.
Thank you so much for this site. It will help my days be somewhat more comforting and safe.
Diana
I
Hi Diana,
Yes, it’s crazy how similar some of our stories are! People are blown away when they discover their experience was not as unique as they’d thought. That can be both comforting and highly disturbing.
I’m so glad to hear you’ve found a therapist you believe you can trust to support you in your healing! So many things can come up in subsequent therapy, and it’s important to find someone who can hold the space, be kind and respectful, and keep good, strong boundaries. I’m also glad to hear about the good support you’ve received from TELL.
I wish you all the best in your healing and on your journey forward!
~Kristi
My story is off the charts. I am madly in love with my therapist. He ended up leaving his wife and wanted me to move in with him. My gut has gone back and forth for years. I’m suffering so badly and suicidal sometimes. It is the back and forth and intense emotions that have driven me insane. I was never this crazy. How did you leave and “fall out of love”? For three years now the longing and pining has not stopped. That is what is killing me.
I empathize with your situation. It sounds crazy-making! For me it was different since my therapist never proposed that he was in love with me. I would never be his girlfriend or partner—I would always be something “on the side.” If he had acted like he was in love with me, then I probably would have had a harder time getting out. I was able to get out when I (finally) felt he’d betrayed me, lied by omission (for my “benefit”) a few too many times. So when I told and the person was adamant about how abusive this had been, I was able to commit to cutting him off, cold turkey. And that saved my ass. I believe that if we had stayed in contact he would have been able to continue manipulating me. So cutting off contact completely was the best thing. And I highly recommend it to everyone.
Then I went back into therapy and started to actually work on my issues and understand why I had been vulnerable to him. Once you start to understand that stuff and be more mindful of how it’s at work in your life, you’re not as likely to get hooked. You start to see things with more detachment and eventually get to a place of having choice, and not automatically falling into the long-term pattern. I also found that once I accepted my feelings (all of them), stopped judging and hating myself for them and forgave myself, stopped the struggle, that they weren’t so strong. And eventually they dissipated. The feelings often stick around because we’re not willing to accept them. That being said, the feelings can also be the result of our “addiction” to the therapist. Often there’s a biochemical element to this. Trauma therapies like EMDR and Somatic Experiencing can help, as can getting medical/holistic treatment for the PTSD and adrenal overload that’s going on in your body.
But the bottom line is that you have to get yourself away from the situation that’s causing the problem and reduce the triggers, otherwise, the trauma pattern simply gets perpetuated.
There are a lot of different ways you can go with this, but I hope this helps!
Hi Kristi,
I am not really sure what to say. I am very lost. After a year of being suicidal, I finally filed a lawsuit againts my T. I feel that by doing this, I am somewhat betraying him. I am in pain. Please help.
Thank you so much.
Hi Alison,
Congratulations on having the courage to take action! I know how hard that can be.
A while back I wrote a post called Taking Action Against The Abuser — Emotions and Inner Conflict. If you haven’t read it yet, you might find it helpful. I’m also working on a similar post now and hope to have it up soon. I know it feels like you’re betraying your therapist, but that is a result of the power dynamic and transference that occurred in the relationship, and the degree to which your therapist took advantage of that. You’ve become accustomed to taking care of him and feeling responsible for him, which would never have happened if he hadn’t exploited the relationship to get his needs met. By filing a suit, you are declaring that what he did was wrong and you’re placing responsibility for wrongdoing where it belongs—on him. Because of your attachment to him, it’s perfectly natural to feel conflicted, as if you’re betraying him by choosing to not take care of him. But consider that he broke the law and needs to be accountable for that. That is all you’re doing—holding him accountable for wrongdoing. Even if you feel like you love him, consider this: Loving someone doesn’t mean letting them get away with wrongdoing or letting them off the hook. When we do that, we are condoning their behavior, whether the person is a friend, a lover, a parent, a child, etc. By not saying no or setting boundaries, we are basically saying that what the person did was okay and it’s all right for them to do it again. So in taking action, you’re helping him learn something he really needs to know! It’s hard to do, but so vitally necessary. And you will make it through!
If you like, you can send me a private email through the Contact page.
~Kristi
Your story is the most similar to mine. How did you get over him? I suffer daily because I am still in love with my psychiatrist who fell in love with me first three years ago. This has been torture for me. I am so alone with it as my friends and family hate me now.
Hi Jessica,
I have done an enormous amount of healing work around this, and it’s been very helpful for me. Plus, I did feel used and betrayed by him, and the anger from that broke whatever hold he had on my heart, I guess. But again, I’ve been to a lot of practitioners and healers (including other therapists), in an effort to get over this and get him completely out of my system. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s worked.
Also, I understand those feelings of isolation. I doubt very much that your friends and family hate you—they probably just don’t understand what you’ve been through and their way of showing that perhaps feels rejecting. It’s really important for you to find someone who can support you in your healing and help you feel less alone. It could be a friend, a new therapist or counselor, a health practitioner, someone at a church or spiritual group, some kind of support or 12-step group… There are kind and respectful people out there who can help you through this. Sometimes it just takes a bit of time and effort to find them.
Take care!
Hi Kristi.
Just wanted to pop in to say hi. I hope all is well with you and as always- Thank you!
((((((( Kristi))))
Hi Svetlana!
I’m doing great, thanks! Hope you are, too.
Cheers!
Thank you. That was very healing to read.
Hi Kristi,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It both hurts my heart and urges me to tell my own story. Let me first start off by saying that in my story, there was no sexual or physical harm, but emotional and mental. It’s pretty long and there are many pieces missing. But I just couldn’t tell it any other way. Here’s my story:
I grew up in foster care pretty much my whole life until the age of 22 (when I graduated from college). Before foster care, I grew up in a home of sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect of all kinds. After I graduated from college, I became involved in the church. Even though I was a bible-believing Christian (and still am to this day) I was abused by the church I served and had wounds from that. I also suffered from a rare illness which left me bedridden for some time. With all of this stuff added on me I became depressed and suicidal. Because of this, a friend of mine was very worried and suggested I see a husband/wife duo counselor. The counselors were Christian, and my friend knew I wouldn’t trust sharing my heart with someone who did not share the same faith as me. I went in to see the people, scared and unsure.
I was supposed to see the female doctor but ended up seeing the husband instead.
The husband wife were both in their mid 60s. They mainly dealt with patients that had D.I.D. and were suffering from S.R.A. I did know this upon my first visit, but would come to hear so much about if from them and even later resent those that had it (you’ll understand later).
The sessions took place in someone’s home and because I was unemployed and had no money, the counselor(s) agreed to see me anyway. The counseling sessions were spiritual in nature. We did a lot of bible study in it and prayed a lot. The counselor (let’s call him Scott) seemed very loving. He would always give me hugs and say how much he and his wife loved me. I was very afraid at first, but latched on emotionally at the first sign that I could trust them. My attachment was mainly with the husband doctor and the attachment seemed mutual. The first 3 sessions were o.k. I did find it odd that there was no time frame set for sessions. The first time I met with Scott we met for almost 4 hours. The next two times, a similar time frame. Scott said that he didn’t want to put a block on what God wanted to do. He wanted to leave the space for God to show up and for things to just “flow”. And I wasn’t going to say no to that because if given the chance I could talk for days.
By the fourth session, Scott said that God told him that I was to be his daughter and that he was to father me in my spiritual giftings as well. There was something inside me that knew that this was wrong, but because I have wanted a Dad, a family my whole life, I went along with it. Scott told me that at any time I could stop calling him dad if I wanted to. It was my choice. But if you’ve lived your whole life wanting a real family, would you ever say no to that? So I called him “SDad” at first and then Dad. He was the first person in my life that I had ever called “Dad” and I felt on top of the world. I explained to both him and his wife about my abandonment issues and my issues with family attachments and to be easy on my heart. I actually told them many times that if they didn’t really feel like I was their daughter, than they had to back out because it would devastate me if they were lying about me being their child. I told them of my fears that they would leave me to help the other patient they told me about that had D.I.D. They both said that there was no way they would leave me and that they were here to stay. God had called me to their lives and that they were not going ANYWHERE.
About a 3 weeks after that conversation, I got a job and had to change meeting times. I called and e-mailed to discuss this with them and they kept promising we’d figure things out. Then one day they just stopped talking. I had no contact with them. No explanation or anything. It was about a month of no contact when I finally told them that I was done. They seemed so complacent about the whole thing and made it sound like I was the one with the problem “It’s o.k. When you’re ready to come back, we’ll be here.” And just like that, the counseling and relationship was over.
about 3 months later, I found that their actual daughter had died from a possible suicide attempt. I was so sad for them and thus, contacted them and the father daughter relationship began again. This time, Scott’s wife became more into the whole thing. They began inviting me over to their house for 5 days in a different state and it was very intense. One min. they were all about loving me, the next, they would just ignore me and talk to this other patient with the D.I.D. It was so hard because all of the conversations were about her. It was also hard because I didn’t know if I was relating to them as a daughter or as a patient or as a friend…. There was also some really intense spiritual stuff that’s hard to explain. Needless to say, it was a bad situation.
After I came back from their home, I started to notice patterns where they would want to be in relationship with me, but only online. Never in person and never on the phone unless it was urgent. They would also set up meeting times and then would cancel them the day before. It became increasingly difficult to speak to Scott because his wife kind of put herself as my new counselor, which was hard because most of the hard counseling was with Scott. I began to feel like the wife didn’t like me and a friend of mine suggested that maybe the wife was possibly jealous of the relationship. I’m not married and I don’t even have a boyfriend so I was not aware that this could happen, especially since Scott was old enough to be my grandfather.
It all ended with a pretty tense phone call with Scott’s wife and me. I explained to her that I just wanted them to walk away from me or define the relationship in a way that’s healthy. I also explained that I felt that the relationship was turning into one of Codependency and that I the boundaries on both sides were just not healthy. I asked if her and Scott saw this. When I brought that up, her countenance turned to one of accusation. She said that I was the one of the problem. That all of her “kids” like calling her and her husband mom and dad and that there was no problem. That I had to deal with the fact that they lived in a different state and traveled a lot. That I had to accept it that way. I expressed how much in pain the inconsistency of the counseling sessions were and how confused I was about them using the words “I Love You” and calling me and every patient “Daughter” and “Son”. Scott’s wife seemed completely un-phased by this and kept telling me that I was the one with the problem. I told her of how I felt like second best because I did not have D.I.D. and that I just wanted to know where I stood. She then accused me of wanting to be their only child. I explained to her that I did not want that. I just wanted clarity and clear boundaries. The conversation ended with her not understand anything I said and with me being very confused.
I talked to a former minister of mine and he told me that I was being emotionally abused and that a lot of it sounded very cultish in nature. I have since cut ties with them about 4 months ago and am still dealing with healing from it. It’s touched on so many issues I have and has brought up new ones I didn’t even know I had. What hurts the most is that because they are loved by so many, they are still out there doing this to others. And because they often turn their patients into family members, it’s an independent faith-based practice, and Scott is the president of the school where the practice is “accredited”, they can’t really be in trouble for it because the patients aren’t technically patients anymore; they’re family members (Daughters and Sons). Ethically it’s wrong, but I’m not sure it can be found wrong legally.
Soooo that’s my story. If you have any ideas on what to do, please let me know.
Many thanks and blessings,
Lessie
Hi Lessie,
That’s an amazing story. Thank you so much for your generosity and courage in sharing it. What you describe sounds very much like a therapy cult. Scott and his wife clearly have SERIOUS boundary issues. They weren’t capable of giving you the boundaries and clarity you needed within the relationship. You could have asked them a thousand times for that, and they wouldn’t have been able to give it to you because they simply didn’t know how. This is how they’re wired from their own upbringing. The issues and vulnerabilities you brought into the relationship were the exact things they knew how to use to their advantage. I’m sure they were also dealing with issues with their own daughter and that spilled into their relationships with all their other “children.” Very creepy and disturbing and so abusive. I’m so glad you were able to cut ties with them. That must have been very, very hard. It took a lot of courage.
Unfortunately, when people believe their own story and think what they’re doing is “right,” it’s pretty easy to convince others of it, too. I don’t know how the legal system deals with cults, but it wouldn’t hurt to consult with an attorney about this since they’re going to continue to do what they do.
I’m hoping that you can find a therapist and/or advocate who knows how to help people who have been in cults. You definitely need some support, but I think it’s important to get a counseling referral from a trustworthy source and not walk blindly into a relationship with a new therapist without feeling them out first. Maybe one of my readers will have some suggestions for you. You might be able to find an online network or agency connection that offers post-cult support. If I come across anything that I think would help, I’ll let you know.
Wishing you the best!
Kristi
Thank you so much, Kristi, for your kind words. This really touched my heart that you understand. It’s hard for me because the counselors are supposed to also be post-cult counselors as well as D.I.D and S.R.A. Yet, a lot of the things they did were very manipulative and a little “cult-like”. I know that there was no sexual or physical abuse, but in some ways, I feel very much raped. It”s also hard because a big part of me wants to be back in relationship with them and so much of my energy is spent fighting that feeling.
Again, thank you so much for being so open about your story that it allowed me to be open about mine.
Many blessings,
Less
Hi Less,
I can understand why you feel raped. You were completely violated on an emotional and spiritual level. Just because there was no sexual or physical abuse doesn’t mean that you weren’t utterly violated. It’s a hard thing to accept. And i can understand how hard it must be to deal with those feelings of wanting to be back with them. When we have those child-like longings for the “parent,” all we want is for them to love us and tell us they’ll never leave us. This happens to all of us who have issues with abandonment and loss. We want everything to be okay. We want love. Meanwhile, the more aware adult part of us is thinking, “Yikes! That’s horrible! How could I possibly want that!” and so we find ourselves in a struggle with ourselves, judging our own feelings. That’s when it’s important to have compassion and understanding for ourselves and accept ALL our feelings, no matter how upsetting or disturbing or frightening they are. Acceptance is the path to healing. It may feel like the hardest thing in the world, but often, once we stop struggling with ourselves, we move through the scary parts more quickly than we might have imagined. On the other hand, when we avoid, repress or struggle with our feelings, it takes a lot longer to work through them. When we can just be with them without having to do anything about them, they let go a lot more easily.
Again, thank you for sharing this with us!
Kristi
Thank you for your courage and clear voice in elaborating the betrayal, confusion, damage and violations of therapist sexual abuse. As a licensed psychologist, I am deeply ashamed of those sick individuals in my field who prey upon the vulnerable in this way, and have treated several patients who were vicitims and helped them along the arduous road of recovery. My heart goes out to you, you are a blessing to others who will gain much from your honesty, bravery and empowerment. I will share your words with my clients.
Hi Caroline,
Thanks so much for your kind comments. May I ask where you’re located? Many victims have a hard time finding a new therapist who has an understanding of what they’ve been through, and I’m always looking for resources.
-Kristi
Hi Kristi. I’m in Orange County Ca in the city of Orange.
Kristi,
Thank you for sharing your story. I started reading and could not pull myself away. After reading a large portion, as I began relating, I could not finish. I do hope to some day. I’m so sorry for what you went through.
I had a limited sexual relationship with a former Psychologist. I reported him, and he is still practicing. He received 1 year of supervision. I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach now. I think that there was such disbelief that a man of his standing could be capable of wanting to be with his maladjusted patient (me). He claimed that his feelings for me were genuine, and that he was attracted to me as a friend.
It is so important that Therapists never break that therapeutic relationship by becoming involved with their patients sexually. It’s not seen as an equally adult sharing relationship that occurs between two adult people. As you most precisely stated, it becomes a relationship of parent and child that is considered incestuous.
Once again, thank you for sharing and helping me, and so many other people.
Thank you!
I have been going through your site and find it very helpful. I would like to submit my own therapy story but cannot find a page on your site to do this? How would i go about writing my own story for your site.? Many thanks Angie
I know he was your therapist, so it’s a lot different, but isn’t that like how any relationship is supposed to be? I mean the therapist part’s not okay… but the rest sounds pretty normal, I mean all guys are like that.
Hi, Renee,
A relationship between a therapist and a patient that includes sexual expression and other “boundary violations” is more than a lot different. In more than 20 states in this country, it is a criminal violation (some enlightened state legislatures have even categorized it as a felony). At the very least, it constitutes very serious malpractice.
The standards and laws banning sexual relationships between therapists and their patients have been instituted for good reasons. These kinds of “relationships” can do profound damage to patients; they constitute abuse, not just bad behavior. Therapist abuse can also result in a very significant delay (and sometimes a cessation) of a patient’s recovery from whatever emotional obstacles they arrived in therapy to deal with in the first place and/or in the need for further therapy, sometimes lasting a very long time. They can even end in the patient’s suicide; the pain can be that great.
As for “how any relationship is supposed to be,” healthy relationships can emerge between two people who like and care for each other, individuals who are interested in one another’s well-being as well as their own. There’s nothing “normal” about manipulating, exploiting, demeaning, and lying to another human being.
A good landmark for assessing this kind of thing is to look at the nature of the person’s behaviors and attitudes toward you and others; get a sense of them. How do they make you feel? Are they cruel? Dr. T demonstrated extraordinary cruelty. He did and said things to create a relationship that was virtually certain to cause enormous pain to his patient. And then he took money from her to exact payment for his abuse of her.
If that sounds “pretty normal” to you, it may well be time for you to look more closely at the emotional maturity and ethical compass of the guys in your life, and to examine the nature (and perhaps the source)
of your own expectations, too.
And no, not all guys are like that. Never believe you have to accept abuse from any guy in order to have a relationship. You don’t. You may have to look harder, and make sure you have a higher quality guy before you agree to enter any relationship with him. Take good care.
I just want to say thanks again for having the courage to tell your story. And thanks for responding intelligently and calmly to people who do not understand. In doing so, you answer the many doubts that I think many abused patients feel about themselves. My therapist described what he was doing as reparenting me. I completely agree that it is damaging in a way that is very similar to the damage done by incest.
Hi H.
Just want thank you for saying what you said about the incest thing. I too had a counselor(s) that were trying to re-parent me, but instead it was just very wrong, emotionally abusive and confusing. I did not have any sexual exchange with my counselor and his wife, but the emotional damage has been really painful to this day. The boundaries were so unclear that it was hard to even identify who they were relationally to me. I’m really hoping that counselors will be watched more closely (Christian counselors as well since that’s who mine were).
Thanks for your reply. I am really happy to read your story and hear that you are doing well. Life does go on, and time heals, for sure.
Hi,im 17 year girl .i live in Iran .i live in very narrow_ minded family but i don’t have problem with that actually my problem is my behaving with my parent,my mom is 50 and my father is 58 ,they dont know a bout my feeling they dont care want i like or hate or i think they dont know my problem ,i love them and i respect for them but i want them to know what i need.help me please
thanks
Hi Hila,
Thanks for your comment. We’d like to be able to offer you support but need some clarification regarding your situation. Can you please describe your problem a bit more clearly and let us know how/if it relates to therapist abuse?
Thanks.
This story has really touched me because I’m going through the same thing. I thought I was the only one this has happend to. I did make reports tthe licensing board and to Western Highlands and I’ve cried out for help and because the people here where I live has labled me and think I’m crazy,I protected him by sending him texts that would protect him and his license and I acted plum crazy to protect him. When the state people came,I acted so insaine to protect him that they did nothing and closed the case out on him. Now I’m left looking foolish,hurt,scared of him because he lives up the street from my mom and I’ve been staying with her and he drives up and down the road quiet often. I’m in love with him and at the same time,I’m scared and I don’t know who to report it to now. There isn’t a theripest here who deals with situations such as these and I really need help because it is all I can do to just wake up and not think about killing myself over him and the hurtful things he has done and said to me,it hurts bad,is there anybody who can help me?
Hi, Diana,
The situation you describe is very painful and frightening, and also very understandable. When someone has been abused and then convinced
(subtly or otherwise) to protect the abuser instead of herself, the
most important thing is to STAY ALIVE and find ways to FEEL BETTER! It may be wise, at least for the time being, to put aside your concerns about reporting the therapist to some other agency, and just
concentrate on you.
Your first and most important task is to find a health care provider – a good internist or family doctor can be helpful if no experienced,
ethical therapist is available where you live – someone who can assess what certainly sounds like depression and anxiety and help you get treatment for that first. If you don’t know of someone like that, is there perhaps a minister or a teacher (or former teacher) you trust who might be able to guide you to a doctor or perhaps a social worker? Lots of communities and regions have a suicide prevention telephone hotline and/or a sexual abuse crisis hotline. SNAP has support groups in many locations, in the US and in other parts of the world. Their meetings can be very helpful even if no clergy was involved in your abuse. And going to such a support meeting can help you see (and feel) that you are NOT alone. They can give you the opportunity to be heard, and that experience is likely to lower some of the pressure you are feeling.
You need to deal with the depression and anxiety first, so you’ll be
around to rebuild your life and to develop a clearer vision of all
that’s happened, along with some real hope. It is not at all unusual
for those of us who have been abused to contemplate suicide when the
pain gets really bad. My abuse occurred many years ago, and I found
myself considering suicide, too – very seriously. But I fought my way through, sometimes with therapy and sometimes without (often could not afford it), for a very long time. And often I wasn’t very good at it. But I kept on going. And I can tell you now with all honesty – I am so very, very glad I did not end my life. There is so much in my life now that is satisfying and interesting and even exciting! Had I ended my life way back then, I would have missed all the good stuff!
Remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem (I know it’s a cliche but only because it’s so true). It is very, very likely that you CAN get yourself into a good place in your life and CAN get relief from your sadness and fear. In time, you will be able to sort out your true feelings about this individual who has abused you so horribly. You can learn how to look more closely at what may feel like love now but more likely is transference – something that happens in the therapeutic relationship and that abusive therapists exploit to take advantage of their victims. It is very powerful and, unfortunately, can feel just like being in love. It is, as they say, “crazy-making.”
If there is some way to avoid seeing his car so often, that could help, too. I suspect that every time you see it, you are brought back to thinking of him and all that has happened. And it will be a good idea for you (quite deliberately and with great effort) to put some constructive and hopeful information into your mind while you work at rooting out the damage done. I found a number of books very helpful in my own efforts to “put good stuff in my head.” My all-time favorite is “Advice from a Failure,” by Jo Coudert; another good one is “The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself,” by Beverly Engel. Both are available online at various booksellers and at many libraries.
Please start taking steps to make your very first priority taking exceptionally good care of yourself.
Hi, Phil,
I wish I could say I was shocked to read your description of the abuse you survived, but I am not. Far, far too much of this kind of horrifying behavior has been happening for a very long time. Never think that you are alone — you certainly are not. There are lots of us out here. Have you been able to get any therapy or counseling or other treatment to help you with the harm of your abuse? In my own experience with therapist abuse (which is chronologically farther away even than your own), I had thought at one time (mid-1970s) that I had “healed” as best I could and that there was little chance for me to progress much further. My personal relationships had suffered mightily, as well. But then the priest abuse revelations started to be made public early in the 21st century, and I was getting “triggered” all over the place. Things were going downhill fast. I went to an employee assistance program and found a therapist. It wasn’t a perfect situation, but I believe the time and effort I put in there (and the therapist’s help), more than 30 years “after the fact,” opened the door for me to improve my life enormously. It helped me to get free of much of the guilt and fear I’d felt for decades. If you are continuing to deal with the pain and still having relationship difficulties (not at all surprising), it might be a very good idea to look into the possibility of some counseling now or, if that’s not an option, attendance at a support group might be of help. (And some groups are for men only, if that sounds preferable.) It can really make life better. Even though decades have passed, your life is not over. Please don’t think it is.
And have you looked at the Resources section of the STA website, perhaps especially:
http://1in6.org/
and
http://www.malesurvivor.org/
Both of these concentrate on the experiences of male abuse survivors.
You might also want to look here:
http://www.bergencatholicabuse.com
This site presents stories of abuse perpetrated on some of the young men who attended a well-known Catholic high school in New Jersey. The abuse survivors who comment are now middle-aged men with insights to offer on what happened to them so many years ago and left impacts they must continue to deal with in the present.
Whether or not your abuse occurred in a religious setting, much of the damage done may well have much in common with what is experienced by survivors of priest abuse. I have found information and discussion on both these sites to be quite helpful. SNAP holds support groups in a great many communities in the US and around the world. Their website is here:
http://www.snapnetwork.org
Good luck with this, Phil.
Thanks for your understading. Due to the confidential nature of the therapy and legal system, no one knows what happened to me. Getting therapy or going to church makes me feel as if I am intentionally placing myself in harms way by re-enacting the scenario. Talking to people makes me feel as if I am confessing to a crime that he committed. It is a strange dilemna.
Thanks for your reply A. Craig. I think after so much time, the hardest thing is believing it is possible that life can get better.
Phil,
Feeling as though you are “confessing to a crime that he committed” (very, very well expressed, by the way) is indeed a strange dilemma. Similarly, “believing it is possible that life can get better” is a huge challenge. And I’m not suggesting that everything that has happened can be “wiped clean.” But I do think that small steps, carefully and thoughtfully taken, can yield improvements.
It is nerve-wracking to take the chance of thinking that anyone in the “therapeutic” community might be ethical and kind and professional, in distinct contrast to so much of what we have experienced in the past. I felt that way, too, and was also very uncomfortable with the prospect of seeing a therapist who, given the realities of the passage of time, might well be younger than I! I finally did, however, find quite a good therapist through a referral from an endocrinologist I was seeing for a medical issue. After I visited and spoke with her several times, I came to trust her enough to tell her about my abuse experience. She referred me to a new therapist who had, as she put it, “excellent boundaries.” I wasn’t immediately comfortable with her (and she was some years younger than I), but I had a great deal of faith in the endocrinologist’s judgment in making the referral, so I pressed on and ultimately benefited a great deal. As for the “age” thing, my therapist is (though younger than I) an old soul and an experienced professional, so it didn’t really matter.
But I also found assistance in going to and, ultimately, participating in survivor support groups. Sometimes such groups may have a facilitator or the like, but the main participants usually are survivors like us. You need not perceive anyone there as part of any “authority structure.” I found that hearing other folks recount stories similar to my own, and listening to what they did to make things better, to get through, gave me some hope that I could do something similar. And as I heard what happened to them, I certainly did not perceive these other survivors as anyone who should feel guilty, so my own guilt lessened, as well. The more we learn and understand about how (and why) the phenomenon (i.e., in my opinion, the crime) of therapy abuse is committed, the better able we often are to see more clearly that we are the targets, the subjects, of those crimes, not the perpetrators.
Wow, I am lost for words.
I am not alone?
How, how can they do this and think they are helping us?
Kate,
I have heard some of what you heard. I confessed in my suicide note the relationship that I was having with m therapist. But I did have sex with him, twice, in the back of his car. My husband reported him and the hearing is next week. I am so scared and confused. He has contacted me on Facebook since saying “I hope your f**king satisfied now, the most pathetic person on earth, except for me, enjoy your fake like” coloured by his wife who said “leave us alone, you have caused enough damage.”
What has he told her? I wish I none will come. I am terrified of seeing him in town and I notice his car or cars like his all the time.
I live in the UK, its different here with the nhs, there should be proceeds
Hi Clara,
Thanks for sharing your situation. Remember that he is responsible for this situation and accountable for the consequences, not you. He (and his wife) would like to put the blame on you because he doesn’t want to take responsibility for it himself, but it’s not your fault.
We wish you all the best with the hearing! You WILL get through this.
~Kristi
Thanks Kristi,
Unfortunately, I founds out yesterday the hearing has been delayed for another month because he is ‘unwell’ (whatever that means), this is the third time its happened.
It is so frustrating, I spent all week looking over my shoulder thinking he would be in town. The nhs over here have to be very careful. Its hard here as its not common, the trust for our county has never come across anything like my case before. I have never paid to see him as therapy for serious conditions like mine are free. There is a lot of supervision given to nhs therapists, and because of me they are now reviewing their whole procedures.
Your story sounds so similar to mine, the net to ‘catch’ you, the complete trust and adoration, this man was my saviour and he promised me he could make me better. We slowly professed to hugging and then to kissing and then meeting outside of work. He told me he loved me every day, he called me between sessions to cheer me up, I was special, his favourite, he was obsessed with me, I was the most beautiful fragile butterfly and he would help me escape my cage and fly.
Slowly things changed, he couldn’t see me as much, he stopped calling, made an arrangement to meet one hour a week on one particular day and if I ever asked for more or complained or got annoyed because he was late or couldn’t stay, he would get angry, tell me to be grateful, he was giving me what precious time he had and if I couldn’t contain the situation then we could go back to just normal therapy.
In amongst all this he diagnosed me with major depression, borderline personality, and an eating disorder, all of which have subsequently been confirmed by my new psychiatrist, all of which I have found our he was not trained for and he should have referred me on.
I am slowly coming to terms with the reality of all this, the thing I find the hardest is the confusion. There are so many questions, most of all he made me much worse and I have spent the last six months in and out of hospital, on anti psychotic meds, with all the the highs and lows and impulsive erratic behaviour that goes with my condition.
It seems wrong of me, with all these facts and all this logic in front of me, to miss him, to feel sorry for him, to think I should have realised, some how in all the numbness, that it was wrong. I didn’t care then, it could have been heroine for all I cared,I just wanted to feel something.
Please tell me time heals.
Much love, Clara
Hi Clara,
Yes, our stories do sound very similar! And yes, time makes a big, big difference. It takes time to fully grasp what happened and to go through all the feelings associated with that. Your feelings and your perspective will change and you will come to new levels of understanding as time passes. Right now it’s all very “up” for you, in part because of the pending hearing. You may be doing a lot of mental review as a way of preparing yourself and trying to take control over a situation that you have very little control over. It’s absolutely true that the more you think about it … the more you think about it! It’s like a groove that keeps getting played over and over in your head. The more you play it, the more you hear it. It’s very self-perpetuating. At some point, you can make the decision to stop playing it — and that will take some discipline, but it is possible. I hope this makes sense!
Right now, it’s important to just feel what you feel and let it all just be there — the confusion, the feeling sorry for him, ALL of it. Don’t judge it or try to make it go away, just accept that those are your feelings and they’re okay. That kind of self-acceptance and being able to stop beating ourselves up is what gets us through. It’s what heals us.
When my first mediation got rescheduled, I felt so crazy!! It’s like you get yourself all psyched up and as prepared as possible — and then the rug gets pulled out from underneath you. Sometimes you just have to deal with what life hands you the best you can.
I know you will get through this!
Thinking of you and sending you love and care!
Kristi
I am a 66 year old college Sophomore, because of what I wrote about my life of overcoming (and thriving)…..I got a divorce after 36 years of abuse, and my church was going to vote me out of membership (in the end, they did), so the reason I sought out a therapist was/is probably unique; he journeyed with me for the 18 months in which I fought the spiritual abuse…..the first person to ever stand up for me and of course that was powerful. I fell in love with him. I wrote him a “how could you” letter 6 years ago and havent given it to him): Below are some (tip of the iceberg) comments after 9 years of being with him. I am also studying for the mental health profession and am moderator of an abused survivor’s group. Feel free to contact me: wacalice@aol.com
http://alicepoetry.webs.com/samplepoems.htm
These are the comments made by my therapist:
Do you want to get kissed, do you want to get naked, get laid?
Who wouldn’t fall in love with you?!
My colleagues would tell me to run fast and far but I will never abandon you.
How is it every week you take me on a journey where I should not go?
This is beginning to look like a personal relationship.
It is hard for US to end the session and hard for US to say goodbye.
If I gave you the green light, would you go for it?
I’ve failed you and I need to work on that.
Something between us could happen if I was feeling sad or lonely.
You fit right under my arm.
Every man in your life has failed you.
I like curves (he said, “God’s curves”)
I am afraid I am going to fall and it would ruin my life.
I know that you would make a wonderful love partner.
Do you think that if I kissed you it would take away the pain?
I am human and can be tempted.
I am curious, torn scared and conflicted.
I need to check myself and make sure I am not exploiting you physically, emotionally or financially.
If I were to stick my tongue down your throat, you would reject me.
(Pouring water in my glass): Let me fill you up, in a manner of speaking.
You are in my heart and in my head.
Are you wearing a bra? Having an orgasm?
Motioning me with his hands: Bring it on
If I were not married, I would probably go for it.
Held hands, fingers interlocking.
Where do you like to be kissed?
Would you want to have sex with a married man?
Men see purity and innocence in you.
You are so much fun to play with.
Who WOULDN’T fall in love with you?!
I had marshmallows in my mouth and e said: ‘You have quite a capacity…has your mouth slipped off anything else?
Asked why he was (stroking he leg) self-pleasuring. He said, “I do that when I am around you.”
We haven’t discussed OUR orgasm.
Your cup runneth over
I am killing you.
Let me find that sweet sot
A hand could get lost down there
You are a fire
You have hair like a movie star
It is not a me thing, but an US thing
Do you want me to see your nipples?
Do you like undressing for men?
Did he (boyfriend) slip you the tongue?
Ever had your picture taken in the nude?
You have an agile tongue.
Hooked his elbow around my knee and tried to flip me
I touched his nipples and he said, ‘Are they hard?” He said his nipples ae hard ALL of the time .
3 things that turn him on: oral sex, hands all over his body and undressing him.
Invited me to unbutton his shirt and said, ‘It wouldn’t be that much of a boundary violation..”
Told him I thought he was “lonely and hungry”—He said, ‘your evidence/’
Smelled my wrist and slid his face up to my elbow.
Doesn’t like to fight his feelings and if he were ever to touch me he would be “toast.”
If feeling sad or lonely he could take me in his arms and it would be “all over.
You are “passionate, enchantress, angel, elegant, lovely, naïve, wild, crazy, photogenic, spitfire, flirt, seductive and alluring.
You are emotionally sensitive.
My poetry is a “masterpiece” to the world.
I missed you.
I allow for the possibility of surprises.
You are not out of my head once we leave (you are in my heart and in my head) ,
You have been blessed; you can show me more, I wont be offended…in regards to my cleavage.
Can’t believe you don’t know about your power over men.
Admitted my perceptions were correct about him being hungry and lonely.
He is aware of how “hard, soft and what is touching when we hug.”
Drove me home and we sat listening to Yanni (blasting on the radio!) eating chocolate with the moon roof down: he said, ‘If I were your date, I would walk you to the door and shake your hand. “
Put a lei on me and said, ‘It doesn’t mean much without the kiss.”
Said, “move your breasts” twice.
Erections make him feel “alive..”
I’d push you against the wall and you’d be naked before you hit the wall.
You’d like to be nailed to the wall.
I might kiss you.
I trust you with my life.
That is what will happen….we will get married?
Said it would be “pleasureable to make love to me.”
He felt scared and pleasure at whaat happened between us.
I almost touched your softness.
You touched my penis.
If you kiss me…then you kiss me.
Holding my wrists and pulling me on top of him.
You just want me to chase you down and go after you.
He did role reversal and became “me.” I was SO in shock:
You are in love with me but just won’t say it. Would you like to F….me? Can’t we be F…buddies? Aren’t my breasts beautiful? Wouldn’t you like to touch them? Can I give you a blow job; sit on my lap; can we take off our clothes?
There is much more (years and years), but you get the drift!
Hi Kate,
All I can say is “Wow…” Even with all I’ve written, I still had a hard time reading this and had a pretty visceral reaction to it. Seeing it there makes it so alive, and so vile. That any therapist would say this stuff to a patient is just disgusting. Reprehensible. And yet it will be so familiar to far too many of us. I honor your courage and strength in putting this out there and in choosing to serve others who have also been abused. I’m sure many readers here would like to know more about your abused survivors group, so feel free to post some information about that.
All the best to you!
If you change the person in the story to counselor/pastor/spiritual father, this could almost be my story, word for word. Even after it all got exposed, I had no idea that it was not my responsibility, or at least, that I was not guilty for being part of a consensual affair. My church leaders blamed me for that when they heard the story, fired me from my job in the church office even tho the person in my story was not actively working as pastor in the church, and exposed my ‘sin’ to the congregation. I am devastated. I am only now beginning to learn about grooming, and can still hardly comprehend why I do not have to take the blame or protect his trust. It is hard for me to trust anybody right now, or to tell my story to anybody, although I am seeing a counsellor. It’s terribly slow progress. It is still very hard for me to believe that he could purposely have been doing this in the guise of helping me heal from childhood sexual abuse, and experiencing a ‘father’ in the place of my own emotionally absent father. thank-you for sharing your story. it helps me to read it and learn that i am not crazy or the only one in the world this has happened to. I am so confused because I thought he loved me as a father, and although it makes me feel incredibly stupid to say this, i really had no idea what was okay or not okay, and i went by what he told me when i had questions/doubts because i trusted him.
Hi E,
Thanks for sharing your own story! No, you’re not crazy and yes, it is so terribly, terribly confusing! When we entrust ourselves, our feelings, our histories to a father/authority figure in this way, we become like children, expecting the “father” to know what’s best and do what’s right. Our own internal sense of authority goes out the window. We trust them more than we trust ourselves because that’s what we’ve been wired to do. Then if they betray that trust, it’s just so devastating. And more so when the vulnerability is judged and exposed to the community. I can only imagine what that was like for you!
I am glad to hear that you’re seeing a counselor and getting some help with the healing process. Please don’t judge your progress — it will take exactly as long as it needs to take for you to get through it. And you can get through it.
You’re in our thoughts!