“Phoenix” again — the night I officially reported him. It was a night of significant relief mixed with severe anxiety.
While I continued to process things, my sisters held fury for me.
This and the next are both the same portrait — still very jumbled and conflicted — still scrambled and jagged feelings.
I had a very hard week a couple weeks ago — a lot of difficult triggers and coping with a similar level of terrible feelings as back when things first started. It was disconcerting, and discouraging.
Spellbreaker
What traps you in that tower
is not some crone’s curse
— she would never do that —
but the work of a puny
apprentice-level sorcerer
a wannabe
who one day drank
the smallest bit of power
and thought he was a wizard.
He bound you up
in iron cords of silence.
His magic felt too strong
until you discovered
he forgot to bind
your mouth.
So speak
Yell
SHRIEK your story, if you can
until you break the spell.
You’re battling a two-bit
box-of-tricks magician
who keeps throwing flimsy scarves
and scrambling to hide the secret
wires behind his hat.
And even if your voice is tiny —
its force
will blast his tower of captivity
to rubble and you will
bury him.
—
Note from the artist:
When I started this series, it wasn’t truly meant as a series. I was despondent and broken, and art became a form of communication for me, more than ever before. My need to shed the grief and put it somewhere else was so intense, it was less drawing and more a literal pouring of my heart onto the pages of my sketchbooks.
I branched out into nature some, at my sisters’ prompting, and thought about what the trees must look like if they were in mourning. I drew my sisters and our sister friend as trees, protective of me.
I tried to draw my emotions as best as I could, and as I progressed mentally and emotionally, I started adding self portraits into the series. I was feeling very much like I lost myself during the time I spent with this particular therapist, which was ironic because I thought quite inaccurately that I was myself the MOST there with him.
I lost so much time, I lost so much of me. My self portraits became a way to find that person again, to reclaim myself. I have to study my own photos to find these pieces and put them together again, on the path to recovery — but I do it, every month. Every month is a little bit better.
As I continued, I realized this was a journal. My art reflected the significant ups and downs of my journey.
Certain drawings mark important dates — the night I desperately reached out to RAINN, even though, at the time, I felt like a fraud and imposter in the world of abuse still. Everything was so confusing and muddled. They led me to the TELL network, and the next domino fell. My July portrait I finished, and suddenly knew I had drawn “What I Was Wearing” and had recognized what had happened as the abuse it is and was. The night I made the decision to report him, I was alone in a cabin in rural Maine, and I fell completely apart, just having said the words out loud to my new therapist — trying to draw myself furious, but covering it with tears. The night I gave her his name — that night was full of color and forward motion, mixed with anxiety — that was when I drew the phoenix kite. November’s poem and drawing I wrote after finally finding an attorney — finding more of my voice.
This is an ongoing series. I’ll continue to add months until I find myself again. October and November have been better than August and September, but I’m still a snowglobe in my head. I get shaken up so easily and everything scatters — all my thoughts, and for the first time in my life I can’t fix it easily. I have to wait for the snow to settle before I can take my next step. But I see the progress in my portraits. My eyes tell me I’m no longer absent.
Thank you so much for sharing these beautiful pieces. I was struck by this line from your poem that hits home very much for me:
the work of a puny
apprentice-level sorcerer
a wannabe
who one day drank
the smallest bit of power
and thought he was a wizard.
❤️ Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.
Beautiful, evocative, so relatable–the pain and enormous confusion of being trapped in an abusive and exploitative “therapeutic” dynamic and the terror of what it feels like to report your therapist. I have been there and I applaud you. The journey is long but worth it.
❤️ Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.
Thank you for letting me share here, Kristi – this space feels exactly right.
You are so welcome! We are honored to have it here!
Really beautiful. Thank you for sharing. The strength we find while going through such utter hell is just incredible. We are a strong group! So intelligent, and creative, and open. Those fools were blessed by us. I’m 6 to 7 years out from being under him, and I see it as a pivotal change in my life – for the better. But so painful. Sending you lots of support, hope, and clear vision. Keep painting and writing and sharing!
Your feelings come through. That’s where we all need. Thank you for reminding me. Paul
I am no artist. I remember longing to be able to write poetry or paint as I went through this very very similar process with my abuse. I loved the snow-globe analogy and relate strongly to it and all of your words and paintings. Thank you for creating these storytelling works of art and sharing for those of us who do not have similar abilities to express ourselves. I feel less alone and more convicted in taking my own action against my therapist having viewed this post.
Thank you… keep inspiring others with your journey and courage.
Thank you for sharing. Your words, “still very jumbled and conflicted — still scrambled and jagged feelings” express the feelings and thoughts so well.
Ellie
A group of us started a private online thread through Psych Central years ago. It helped me on so many levels. The info might have even been published on this blog, circa 2013/14-ish. We would also reach out to people on the general forum as the site was private. It’s still there, but not active from what I can tell.
https://psychcentralforums.com/groups/clients-betrayed-by-t.html
Site states it is maintained by PinkFlamingo99. You can search for this name on Psych Central and private message to see if they can give you access – it contains years of people talking about the same exact feelings and struggles. Or, you can also create your own group. We were never alone.
Thanks all, for the kind responses and the support and encouragement. It’s definitely more of a marathon level journey, especially these first few months. The past week and a half has been particularly overwhelming, but it does help to tap into creative resources when I can.
Dear heart thank you so much for sharing part of your journey. It has been 38 years since my first abusive therapist. I was terrified to go there and terrified to leave. His particular verbal abuse was an attempt to shatter my spiritual foundation which was the only thing I had to hang onto at the time. I remember wanting to step out in front of one of the cars as I walked home but could not because it would have meant my children would end up living with their abusive father.
I wish I had been as brave then as you are now.
Sue – you’re one of the bravest people I know. ❤️
This journey personified in your art is raw and deep and speaks so clearly to the pain and fight in you.
Thank you for allowing us to engage in this work, I am left in awe and so inspired by your vulnerability and strength.
❤️ Thank you for your kind words…I’m glad you’re one the ones in my circle of support.
Wow. Im so touched by your creative expression! you are an incredibly gifted artist. what a blessing to express your heart through such a poweful medium! I am also an artist and you inspire me to leave my rambling mind aside and reach for my paints and sketchbooks to give voice to the confusion within. I also LOVED your poem. you clearly uncover the power of the therapist and the helplessness the client as illusory. It gives courage to us all to find our inner power and break free. Thank you so much for sharing your courageous journey with us. God bless.