If you would like to share your own story of therapist abuse or professional misconduct and be witnessed by the community, you can:
- Post it as a comment on this page
- Submit a longer story for publication by contacting me through the Contact page and arranging to email it to me
Please DO NOT include the real names of the therapists or other parties involved. We want to avoid any potential legal issues that may arise from using people’s real names. Any comments in violation of this may be removed by the moderator.
You can read the following survivor stories by clicking the links.
Kelly’s Story – “Silent No More”
Maria’s Story – “From Charmed to Harmed: The Aftermath of Sexual Exploitation”
Michelle’s Story of Healing – “Reclaiming My Life”
Thank you for having the courage to share your stories!
Hello,
I know that your site is aimed primarily towards patients who have been abused by therapists, but so much of what I have read here seems to apply in my situation.
A few weeks ago, I had some long term suspicions confirmed — I found some sexually explicit letters written to my wife from her boss, who is an optometrist. They had been involved in a long term relationship.
Although a working relationship is very different than a therapy relationship, working side by side in a small office provides ample opportunity to groom someone. There are also many of the same ethical and licensure issues.
In this situation, things are complicated by the fact that my wife relied on this doctor for employment and financial security. She didn’t see a way out. He was able to use the tactics that any manager can use with a subordinate: praise, attention, bonuses, power, etc. He also provided eye care to our family. Things were very tangled.
I’m just wondering if the grooming techniques that are mentioned on this site are also used by predators in other circumstances. They certainly seem to be.
My wife is feeling extremely guilty for not letting me know and I also feel guilty for not acting more decisively when my suspicions began.
We are trying to work things out. We are in therapy, both individually and as a couple. Unfortunately, it seems like I’m the only one who believes that coersion could have been involved. Everyone else seems to believe that this was a relationship between two equals with each sharing 50% of the responsibility. To me this seems pretty naive.
I would love to hear feedback from anyone who has been in a similar situation. Thanks.
Hi PM,
You’re right. Many of the abuses discussed on this site hold true for any situation where there is an inherent imbalance of power in the relationship, such as with one’s priest, teacher, doctor, lawyer, employer, etc. Even though it may look like a peer relationship, one person holds substantially more power in the relationship, and we place care and trust in that person, with the assumption that he or she will not abuse that power. If that person does abuse their power, we can more easily be taken advantage of because we are relying on them for a service, for our care, for our employment, etc. That makes it much harder to take a stand and say no, because we could lose something we are relying on.
Sexual harassment in the workplace is not uncommon, sadly. You may want to consult an attorney if you are interested in taking a legal stand.
Kristi
Kelly,
Thank you so much for your reply. It means so much to have my view of the situation validated. Everyone I have spoken to about this situation (therapists, family, even my wife) have tried to convince me that I am trying to avoid the pain of placing blame on my wife. They tell me the only way to move forward is to forget about the doctor, think about what I did wrong, and focus on the two of us. It is the faith in my wife’s inherent good that keeps me strong in my beliefs.
Really, the only person I care about convincing is my wife. I love her and I hate to see her living with the shame. I do know that it may take time for her to heal enough to begin to see the past clearly. I think it is easier for some people, especially those who have had their self-esteem damaged, to jump to the easy conclusion that they are bad, rather than accept the fact that they have been manipulated and used by someone they looked up to and trusted and who is authoritative and trusted by so many other people.
If anyone has suggestions about how I can help my wife come to terms with the abusive relationship, I would appreciate hearing them. Thank you. -Paul
Ooops, sorry Kristi! (not Kelly) I am not in my right mind right now.
No worries!
PM,
I hope that you feel heard and validated by your current therapist. If not, that’s something to consider. You do want it to be a good fit, and if you don’t feel heard and acknowledged, it may not be.
You may want to do some reading about sexual harassment in the workplace and share that with your wife, if she’s open to it. Or perhaps something from this site.
It does take time for a victim to acknowledge that they were, in fact, a victim. We all like to feel that we can control the universe, so when something bad happens to us, it can be easier to believe that we did something wrong and are to blame (i.e., we could have controlled the outcome through our behavior) rather than be with the distressing fact that something bad happened that was beyond our control — or especially that someone else controlled us. Here is a piece I wrote about being a victim called, appropriately, But I Don’t Want to Be a Victim… Check out the Featured Posts for others that may be relevant, too.
Hi Paul
I have just posted some of my story on here about being abused by a police officer and it has helped me to read your post. I cried.
At the time my abuse was happening I thought it was my fault and at the very least I was partly to blame. When I told my partner what had been happening she insisted that I was not to blame and that he was 100%. I didn’t believe her at first and it was only with her unwavering belief that he was 100% wrong and I was in no way whatsoever to blame that allowed me to have the epiphany that he abused me. Every time I had doubts she reassured me. And that is what allowed me to see the truth.
She has had to explain it to many people the reasons why it is not an equal relationship when someone has power over you. Most people have understood once she has explained it to them but sometimes it took a while.
I read your post out loud to my partner and she said she fully understands the frustration of others lack of understanding. She has had the same.
Don’t give up – keep telling her and others that she did nothing wrong. NOTHING AT ALL. For me I had to be certain that it wasn’t even a little bit my fault. Which is why when others were trying to convince my partner I was to blame the doubts would come back. But she never had those doubts and that is what has kept me going. Since then there have been others such as the people who were trying to get justice for me that were absolutely convinced he was 100% wrong. I needed that too. To know that others were convinced too.
I would recommend finding a therapist for her that understands the abuse of power and knows that she did nothing wrong so they can help her heal. If that’s not possible then all you can do is keep being convinced she did nothing wrong and talk it out with her and maybe get some things for her to read about it.
I have no doubts at all that she did nothing wrong. You are absolutely right to believe that and thank goodness she has you to see the truth for her. Hopefully one day she will see it too.
Katie
Dear Paul,
I feel so deeply for you. I am actually now divorced from the man who stood by me throughout all of the counseling/abuse, and after i told him about what i had thought was an “affair”, it was HE (my ex-husband) who told me he sort of suspected something had been going on but HE told me it was NOT my fault. I was shocked, as i was trained to believe that telling him would only cause HIM more pain, so i needed “not to bring others into this”. Anyway, so i guess i am trying to speak to you as a wife who still battles the shame and i struggle NOT to blame myself, especially considering i’ve carried much shame and guilt with me throughout my entire life, even as a little child thinking things like my grandfathers death being my fault, because i sang Happy Birthday at his funeral (i was only 2 years old). So, sorry for the extra details, this is part of my healing too to type out some of this stuff that often doesn’t make sense to others…but what i want to offer to you is hope. I’ve been on this healing journey for a couple years now, however i wasn’t aware of my former therapist hurting other people until this past January. so 7 months into this journey, 5 months unemployed so i could focus on healing, and it’s still very painful…BUT, it’s a great deal better than it was originally. The road is long, and if i could tell you ONE thing about your wife…sometimes she will have absolutely no idea how to communicate with you, nor will she know how to accept or receive your love, as if i know victims of htis type of abuse at all, it is that we don’t feel worthy of real love and protection. So, PLEASE, hug her often. Ask her gently if you could simply lay with her without any sexual contact. if her “love language” is physical touch, i know this is huge (as it is mine). or, figure out her love languages, if you haven’t read the book yet, look into the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Love her. Love her some more. and then Love her even more. ESPECIALLY when she starts to get into the anger stage of her recovery. Sometimes the anger will confuse you so badly you will want to defend yourself. PLEASE DO NOT RETALIATE. If she gets to the point where she is saying awful things to you, blaming you for stuff that isn’t your fault, please confide in a counselor or a trusted friend or clergy person but DO NOT lash out at her…she will retreat further into her own shame as her TEMPORARY inability to control her anger will cause her a great deal of pain in and of itself. She needs to know you aren’t going anywhere, and that you are going to help her through this awful process.
I hope some of this helps.
Saying a prayer for both you and your wife. God bless.
Becca
This is a list I wrote recently when I hit a rough patch because of abuse from a psychologist years ago. I was young & had no idea he was grooming me and did not know it was unethical till about 3 yrs after it ended and I went to a different therapist. It was the first step toward doing an Anger/Forgiveness worksheet on each item. Writing is a major tool for me to express my feelings.
Thank you for providing this site for us to share our stories, etc. Mags
Ways My Psychologist Was Unethical and/or Hurt Me
1. He asked me intimate details about my sexuality & experiences, and sex life with my husband.
2. When I told him that my husband & I watched x-rated movies and that was the only time I wanted him to touch me, he asked me to give him graphic details about the movies & how we responded to them.
3. When I told him about when I was 17 an older friend took me to the lake, his co-workers were there. He asked intimate details & made it sound like I was willing, saying I was a wild girl, even though I had told him I was frightened & had to drink alcohol to get through it and how much they had hurt me.
4. When I told him I couldn’t talk about those things any more because I was attracted to him, he wanted me to give him oral sex.
5. He allowed us to have a sexual relationship.
6. He used sex as an incentive for me to lose weight.
7. He started asking me to make my appointments in the evenings instead of daytime.
8. He had me start entering the office building through the back entrance of the building with him.
9. When I told him I loved him, he told me I didn’t love him and that I was looking on him as a father figure. This was after I had told him my father had sexually abused me.
10. He gave my name, phone #, and address to men & told them I could help them sexually.
11. He asked me how he compared to other men, physically & sexually.
12. He gave me wine when I told him I was saving two bottles to drink on Christmas day to sleep through it, and even said that I hoped it would kill me. So he gave me an expensive bottle to drink on my birthday (2 days before Christmas) so I could drink on my birthday & still have the two bottles for Christmas.
13. He broke confidentiality when he told the wife of a man I had been seeing, that we were in a relationship. He told her that my new therapists & I were laughing about her not knowing about it (That was not true.).
14. He broke confidentiality when he talked with my ex-husband about things I had told him after I left my husband.
15. He told my medical doctor what meds to give me. I’m sure it was to control me because the drugs caused me to lose blocks of time. I didn’t like how they made me feel so I quit taking them & within a month I learned I was about six weeks pregnant.
16. He asked me to sing “You Light Up My Life” for him and to record it on my tape player & play the song for him when we talked on the phone. Then he used it against me at the hearing, saying that I had the song playing in the background every time I called him & he said, “I felt threatened. It made me feel creepy; it was like in the movie, Play Misty for Me”.
17. He encouraged me to drive fast while drinking alcohol and when I was upset.
18. He encouraged me to not eat very much (only 600 calories a day), so that I would lose weight.
19. He led me to believe he loved me romantically & cared for me as a person.
Wow, he is so very manipulative and cruel, intentionally so. He is a menace, a predator. Thank you for sharing and being open with what happened to you. It can be a long road to healing….I am glad you are on that path now.
Thank you Kelly, for your words of encouragement & support!
When I read through your list it makes me mad that there are no criminal charges that can be brought against a man like that.
Oh sweetheart, I am devastated for you and the awful torture this corrupt, SICK man put you through! I am so very very sorry. You NEVER deserved this kind of exploitation, abuse, and disgusting treatment by a flat out WICKED man.
I want to encourage you that the fact that you have the GUTS to speak out against this creep shows how much strength you have that he could NEVER even imagine having himself. You are AMAZING. Keep fighting the good fight! You inspire me not to give up as i seek justice for my own sexually exploitative/abusive therapist.
You are worthy of SOOO much more than that selfish coward made you feel!
Take care,
Becca
Thank you Rebecca! Also for the encouragement. Wishing you luck in your journey of recovery & in getting justice for your experience. Take care of yourself in all this! Have a great day! Hugs, Mags
I know! But I truely believe his day of reconing is coming! I have some peace knowing he is no longer practicing.
Hi Kristi
It isn’t therapy abuse but I am struggling with something that is a very similar situation.
I was raped a few years ago and I reported it to the police. During the investigation they found out about my long history of depression and self harm and that I had little support. The female officer became injured and the male officer started dealing with me alone. At the time I thought he was being kind and that I was so lucky as he was fighting so hard to get my rapist prosecuted and so amazed that he knew my life history and accepted me for who I was.
Over the course of a few months his texts of ‘support’ built me up and wore me down with confusion. He would go hot and cold. He confused me by acting like I was the one overstepping boundaries simply by returning the question ‘how are you’. He came around with wine, knowing that I was a lightweight as he knew that I got drunk on one or two glasses from the rape. The prosecution decided not to prosecute my rapist despite lots of evidence and I was devastated. The police officer came round to tell me this, and then came around two days later to help ‘distract’ me and made his move on me – kissing and touching me. At the time I thought it was what I wanted. He had worn me down convincing me that he was the only one there for me and that no one else understood me like he did. He complimented me on my looks. The following weeks were a confusion of going through my case with him and discussing appeals and more kissing/touching and then sex twice. The sex was extremely disturbing with him saying things like ‘I shouldn’t be doing this’ all the way through and ‘why couldn’t you be ugly’. After the first time he got up and left like he didn’t care about me at all. After the second time he said ‘can I go now?’, acting like it was my fault. Each time something sexual happened he would go cold and contact me less and I would feel more desperate.
I thought this was the lowest point in my life. Yesterday he got found ‘not guilty’ in court on charges of gross misconduct in public office, after saying that he only had sex with me once and he was just comforting me as a friend and didn’t know it was wrong. He also said he wasn’t attracted to me at all and that I had instigated the sex and he didn’t want to do it. I can’t help feeling that this is a new low point. The jury read my diary from the time with most of the details of what happened. I know they believed me. It was obvious. They read the sexual text messages about him masturbating while thinking of me and bringing wine over and talking about the appeal. He admitted bringing wine, sending inappropriate texts and having sex with a vulnerable person and he was still found not guilty. They listened to a man who was obviously lying and found him not guilty because they didn’t think he intended to manipulate me, believed that he was doing it to help me.
The hardest part is that grooming is not an offence unless it’s against a child. It’s legal to groom a vulnerable adult. I am in the UK, am not sure about anywhere else. But also that the jury failed to recognise his grooming.
I feel very alone at the moment. I want to let this go but this is the second time I haven’t got justice when it was deserved and it feels so personal.
Thanks
Katie
Katie,
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through! That is terrible! It’s so unfortunate that most people do not understand that an adult can groom and abuse another adult like this when there is an inherent imbalance of power in the relationship. When this sort of thing happens, there’s a re-victimization that can be just as traumatizing as the original situation. We need so much more public education around this — in ALL countries.
And I totally understand the reluctance to let it go. I would say not to worry about that. You’ve gone through some terrible trauma and you need to focus on healing and feeling all the feelings you have. I don’t know if this will be helpful, but sometimes when the legal system fails you, you can sometimes find some relief in telling your story (one way or another). Or perhaps connect with a journalist who can tell it for you. Sometimes just getting the story out there in the world can provide some sense of validation.
I am relieved to hear from your second post that you have full support from your partner, who completely believes you and understands the dynamics of the situation. It’s so important to have that help and support! I hope you have some therapeutic support as well.
All the best to you!
Kristi
Hi Kristi
Thanks so much for your comments. I just keep going over it wondering what I could have done to convince them that he deliberately manipulated me. That’s the problem with manipulators though – they can just manipulate everyone else to believe what they want them to believe. Then like you say it’s the re-traumatising and feeling powerless again that hurts so much.
I will definitely think about telling my story. I am still waiting to hear if he will be disciplined by the police, so hopeful for that. I also have my civil claim.
I feel like I want to raise awareness about police abuse/grooming of adults but not sure how at the moment.
Thanks
Katie
I posted my story . Was it not appropriate?
Hi,
How long ago did you post it and did you post it to this page? I can’t seem to find it, although you did contact me via the Contact page back in January. (Emails do not get posted — you need to comment on a page on the site.) I generally approve everything and only remove posts that are offensive or victim-blaming, and I edit out names of therapists.
I’m sorry if your post did not show up. You’re welcome to repost your story here!
Kristi
I am a rape victim and have Rape Trauma Syndrome, which is similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but is specific to sexual trauma. I learned about it in a sexual assault advocate training class I took recently, and when I did, I was triggered again.
I will be 52 years old in a week, and I am still not right. I still have panic attacks, insomnia, flashbacks and intrusive thoughts on a daily basis. My digestive system has been off as well. I believe these symptoms are present because I am constantly preparing for a war that I have been in for the past 30 years. These symptoms were supposed to be acknowledged and treated by the same person who caused them because I was raped, groomed, fondled, manipulated and stalked by my psychiatrist at Yale University.
Thirty years ago, I was a naive 22 year old struggling with adjustment and transition, along with family enmeshment and the lack of opportunity for differentiation. I was labeled and incarcerated unnecessarily by other sick professional psychiatrists’ in Connecticut. {Their motive was money, power, and kickbacks from insurance reimbursement in the 1980s’} I was molested for many years by an uncle as a child. This was minimized for many years by Connecticut Psychiatrists. In my 51 years of living I have not met a psychiatrist I truly respect or like. I now am present enough to know there is something odd about them. It is not right to stereotype one class of individuals. Though, I am speaking from my own experience.
He was a middle aged thin white man with children my age. Somehow I don’t know how. He would not let me leave. I am like how could I let this go on. Yet, I have learned it was not me. This man was a perpetrator and very, very, sick.
He just appeared “normal”. Whatever normal looks like? He was passive-aggressive, calculating, educated, white, and married to a Social Worker. I write this and understand my confusion. Another thing he was cynical, judgmental, and my abuser.
The thing is. It was a vulnerable time in my world. I was in a bad car accident {Not my fault} my brother attempted suicide and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I came from an intrusive enmeshed family dynamic and was blamed and shamed for everything.
He isolated and shamed me from the world outside. Instead of working on, and through my real life issues. He confused me. Instead of talking about real issues he objectified me. He made me call him at his home in Guilford CT just to talk. I thought that was what I paid him to do during sessions. Instead he confused me. I am still confused coming out of trenches of true abuse now.
For years I worked 2 full time jobs and four jobs at a time just to distract myself from the cruelties of my life. I did not see turning 25, 30, 50, or 52. I did not see a future. I was the helper. I was a good girl. I was a virgin and he took all of that away from me. Shame on him! for taking away my innocence and my spirit. Shame on him! for taking away my relationship with my family. Especially my dad. Shame on him! for taking away my relationship with myself, and the beautiful youthful spirit that went with it.
Yes! He may have been an honorable psychiatrist, a researcher, a chairman of psychiatry in an Ivy league university, a husband, a father. To me he is a rapist, a criminal, a groomer, a stalker, a selfish bastard, a narcissist, and almost a sociopath. I believe because of him. I am not able to have those things. I am not able to be those things. I don’t have children. I don’t have partners. I don’t desire sex. I don’t have the inner energy of life. I don’t really desire the stuff I may have before the abusive relationship with my psychiatrist, my perpetrator, my stalker, my rapist. This is extremely difficult because in the conservative state of Connecticut and “although also considered a blue state” has a blame the victim mentality. Especially among oppressed groups. If he was a minority, an immigrant, a person of color, a person without a job, or a person with a marginalized job. This would automatically be addressed. Yet this was supposed to be a healer; not a feeler.
He was a serial rapist with me. He was a serial stalker with me. He was incongruent with me. He was judgmental with me. He was condescending with me. He was patronizing with me. I was fearful, in shock, and traumatized to this day. I believe it was cult-like what he did to me. I was objectified by a so called pillar of the community. I hate psychiatrists because I have not met one that did not label a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I am expressing traumatic symptoms not because I am crazy. Yet because the people I was supposed to trust abused me, ridiculed me, shamed me and hurt me. Above all they broke a beautiful spirit.
When I write this stuff; It is excruciating. It is so painful. My body is immobile, frozen, stiff and I want to die; than to make sense of it. Because ; it is not sensible. It is not logical.
I lost everything; my potential life, most of my family members,’ my dignity. I cannot take back history.
This is only because I was a pretty girl, with a nice disposition, and I was objectified by the powerful helper that was a dirty old man with a license to destroy. I look back and really cannot make sense of it. Did I have Stockholm? I didn’t fight. I was in shock. At times I still am. My coach tells me it is that Deer in the headlights shock. I questioned everything. I block. I shut down. I am afraid of much as I remember what I endured. Trauma; that is my secret. Rape; that is my secret. I was silenced by the sickest and most powerful. As I say this I realize the day of my official rape I was at the Grace building in Yale New Haven. I was bleeding all over his office. He ran off. I went to the hospital to stop the bleeding. Every doctor said to me Are you sexually active? Are you sexually active in front of the nurses. I was in shock. I said to myself this didn’t happen. It did. It really did. I cannot pretend to forget the brutality Dr. B.S.B. put me through on his own recognizance. He was so cynical. After the incident I pretended I was okay. I wasn’t and I was not going to get help. So I went back to my four jobs even though I was dizzy and confused. I thought it was from medication to stop the bleeding. I avoided this evil doctor for weeks and he kept calling my “parents” home to come back. I told him I don’t think that is a good idea. He pressured me into a termination session. As I write this I hate myself for going back to this sick individual. He lied as always since. He said he wouldn’t hurt me for the world and we would just talk and he would just prescribe medicine for my depressed mood and anxiety. I realize now I needed the medication due to him and environmental influences. I also realize during this period my father saw him and didn’t want me to see him. Dr. B.S.B. didn’t tell me until years later. No wonder he isolated me from my family to another abusive environment.
Everything he did was by controlling me. He would tell me I was obsessing. Yet I would write him letters to stop touching me in which he ignored. There is a block missing in my life that I cannot touch on now. Yes, even now. There was abuse by him and the society I lived in. Everything was about him and his sexual wants. They were not mine. It is sickening. I am hurting now. My heart is palpitating now. I am safe now. I remember he would have these porn magazines. I kind of wish I saved for evidence. Yet, it is too late now. His justification was he was helping me take care of my potential lover. He was so nasty.
This is getting to be overwhelming now. I told him I don’t want sex. I don’t want a relationship. He talked me into things I did not want. I did not like him. I got sick by him.
When I moved into my own place/ condo in the 1990s. I left a message with his secretary that I didn’t want to see him anymore. He came to my home. I had a panic attack and I was crying as well as shaking in the corner of my new unsafe home. He yelled at me and was covering my mouth and he talked me into having him come over for therapy and medication in my Branford home. He was an ass hole. He truly was. I don’t generally swear. I know now a psychiatrist is supposed to empower you ; not destroy your being. I didn’t know my rights then. He minimized everything I felt or did. He wanted to play doctor with me. He didn’t want to be my doctor or a real therapist. I would tell him my heart is racing. Dr. B.S.B. would make a joke out of it.
He was truly a condescending, self- centered bastard. He could be because of the climate in Connecticut. He talked me into doing things I normally wouldn’t do. I would doubt everything I did because he was gas-lighting me. Gas-lighting is psychological term “Ironically” and a form mental abuse to favor the abuser by doubting the memory of the victim. That happened by B.S.B. He would say to me you are not remembering things correctly. Perhaps he meant I was not remembering the things the way I want you to. I also realize now his initials are appropriate. He was full of B.S.
As I write here in the present my body takes me back to that frozen immobile state, my heart is racing my neck and shoulders are stiff. My body shuts down as I am preparing for death or survival. Sometimes I don’t know. Yet it is the body’s way of protecting itself from danger. Even though the danger is no longer. The traumatized person sees danger and is hyper aroused. Ironically by the person who was supposed to help me from this. I was unsafe and traumatized by my healer. He re -traumatized me for close to 30 years. I now consider him my abuser and a criminal that re- traumatized me.
Before he retired he said he can’t see me anymore and how would it look if I emailed a patient or called a patient. I was like hmm! You also said we were friends. Why did you force yourself into my world? Why did you justify this or that in my head. I then asked Dr. B.S for other places to see someone. His statement was “You don’t need a therapist you just need a friend” {with his fake smile}.
He messed me up and I didn’t know it. It all felt wrong and abusive. Maybe a year later I saw him at my gym with his daughter. I was not aware of his abuse. As I repressed it deep, down. I could not help but take note that he was acting awkward and funny while I was talking to his daughter in Planet Fitness. His daughter wanted to fix me up with her fiancé friend.
It was the weirdest thing I thought. Up to then I thought I was safer. Yet within a week he called me out the blue. Saying he will be in the neighborhood. That he wanted to see me and he will call when he was in the area. He did this several times. I was questioning him about things. I thought you can’t see me anymore. He would reply: Oh I could not get away. I would ask? What are you doing? He would reply this is our relationship. He would say things like I was his mistress. In my head I would say; that does not seem right. I felt like he was my abuser. In my head and heart I felt like a victim. Because; I was. I would have tears running down my face several times while he was doing me. Dr. B.S. would stop and say never saw that before and continued on. Many, times I cried during him in me. He would just continue on in his own world without me. It was the only time I would cry. It seems to me.
Since he moved to Maine and later on back to Connecticut, his true arrogant nature showed. He called back again and said that he was in the neighborhood and then didn’t call for a while. I was like he blew me off before. He made promises and never showed up or called hours later and made me wait for him to destroy me over and over. Well this particular time I left my cell in the car and was talking to my post man. Apparently, he was waiting in the car and very irritated because I made him do something he was above. That is “Be patient and wait like normal regular people”. Well he was really mad “that cock sucking bastard” I say now. Though then I replied I thought you were in the neighborhood or something like that. He replied that was an excuse. I was like wow and after doing me briefly and leaving upset. I decided that after careful consideration I would write him a letter about his nonsense. I protected him even then in the letter by not revealing too much info on the envelope and no return address. He replied by phone saying he was afraid to call me and cared. I don’t need that kind of caring.
It has been several years without his physical presence and I am still shaken up by his abuse of many things. It took years post Dr. B.S. therapy to become aware of what truly happened to me. I just realized as of December 2013 that this was rape and abuse of power. It took a couple years of Post Dr. B.S. to acknowledge this happened to me. I am still suffering many symptoms to this day. I cannot help but hate and distrust white male privileged psychiatrist of a certain generation. I see one now. Yet thank god very brief. I don’t like them and don’t trust them. I say now there something very justifiable regarding my so called “Trust Issues”. Years prior it was diagnosed almost as a disease.
I believe the disease is my environment and the helpers of my past. I call them toxic.
I want to be clear. If I did not confront him (B.S.) he would continue doing what he did to me. Only, because he could get away with it. He took away my peace of mind.
This so called former Yale psychiatry chairman stole my life. That is a crime. No one can sugarcoat that.
If it feels wrong? It is wrong. Run don’t respond, and never look back. My dichotomy is this. A therapist’s role is to create a safe environment for his client who may or may not be distressed. His role is never ever to help pleasure himself on the clients’ expense.
It is incomprehensible what this monster did to me.
I am a 52 year old woman with the emotional development of 22 year old because my healer was emotionally a two year old. He was all id and only focused on his pleasure. Actually I was mature and empathic when it came to others. My soul and being just died in his hands. He did not have those healthy traits/ qualities {e.g. empathy, maturity} he did not have to. Society protected people like him from people like me. I don’t know why.
I want this psychiatrist to be held accountable and ashamed like the confused 22 year girl I was. That will never happen not in this white male heterosexual privileged egocentric world I have come to experience.
I realize so much time has gone by. I experienced a lot of loss in my development.
There is still a blame the victim mentality by many; especially by the privileged.
That just does not feel right.
When I look at my myself I don’t know who that woman looking back is. Where the time went? I was surviving a crime created and used as an abusive art form by powerful people. As you can imagine I do not like seeing this old woman in the mirror. It reflects back as loss, pain, hurt, injustice, anger and trauma. No one will rectify this form of abuse. Because,I am a “nobody” to society or this culture. I don’t want people to know or to relate me to a sexual abuse victim by a big Ivy league psychiatrist.
Dear Trauma tized,
I am horrified at what this man did to you and what he took from you. It is overwhelming to read….I cannot imagine living through it. I am so sorry. He was a monster who’s sole purpose was to take a life and use it and abuse it. You are so right in how you describe him. He sounds like a narcissistic monster that preys on women. You deserved to be empowered. You deserved to be helped. You deserved to be supported. You did not deserve to be abused. He took advantage of you and took control of your life by all that he did. I am so glad that you are no longer under his control. You deserve love, comfort, peace of mind….you deserve wholeness. I am so sad that you went through all you did. You are truly a survivor. He meant to break you……but you proved him wrong in all his thoughts because you survived. My thoughts and prayers are for you tonight…….
Thank you Kelly for those kind word. Although, I am still struggling. Your words help give me strength in healing.
For what it is worth, I know the horror of feeling old and having wasted so many good (at least possibly content) years in the clutches of a narcissistic manipulator. I have nothing useful to add, but I validate that you are far from alone…in this sad place….
Dear all,
I’m slightly confused about whats is happening between me and my therapist.
We do not have any associations that control therapists’ ethics in my country, so I decided to ask my questions here.
My therapist practices body oriented therapy and he touches my body a lot during the sessions. He never touched my private parts, and he proved to be a real professional, judging by my progress, but there are some issues that confuse me.
* I told my therapist that i dislike my breast size and he answered that my breasts are beautiful
* sometimes he touches my upper arm in a friendly way saying good buy after the session.
* i was very upset after the session when we told about my childhood traumas, and he asked my permission to put his arms around me. I agreed and liked his hug very much, as it was very supportive. But i’m not sure that it was right
* once he reacted very emotionally to my story about the most painful childhood trauma and told me about his own sorrowful childhood
* he became upset and said he likes me, when i told him about my suicidal feelings
* he said he likes my perfume very much
My therapist is very delicate to me and he does his best to help me.
I do not feel that i was abused, but I do feel that his actions are blurring borders between us.
I would like to know if his behaviour is normal and compliments are permitted or this can be really unfavorable for my therapy?
Thank you for your help.
Hi Anna,
I think you’re correct in your assessment that your therapist’s action are blurring the borders. In my opinion, he does not exhibit good boundaries. There’s no way to know (yet) if this is intentional on his part or if he’s simply not a well-boundaried therapist. However, his behavior is affecting you negatively. It doesn’t matter if it’s not intentional on his part or whether it’s “permitted” — the fact that it is having a negative impact is what’s important. This is YOUR therapy. Everything should be done for your benefit, not his. His personal needs should not enter into the room or the relationship. However, he is not psychic. If something is bothering you, then you need to speak up.
If you are able to speak to him about your concerns, that would be a good (and empowering) step for you. Tell him what has upset you and ASK THAT HE NOT DO IT ANYMORE. That last part is important! You will know what kind of therapist he is by the way he responds to this. If he is understanding and respectful of your concerns, acknowledges that he may have crossed the line, and makes an effort to adjust his behavior according to your needs as his patient, then that is a good sign. HOWEVER, if he in any way diminishes or dismisses or disrespects your concerns, then personally, I would find a new therapist.
You deserve to have boundaries and you deserve to be treated respectfully. And YOU get to decide what that means, not him. No one else gets to determine what your boundaries are or what’s okay for you!
I hope this is helpful.
~Kristi
Hi Anna, Kristi’s comments are correct. But, I wouldn’t even wait –get another therapist. This one is in the process of grooming you for something worse right now. Let’s go through these:
1. He touches you. BIG NO to that. Shaking your hand as you leave, OK. Touching your body in healing therapy –NO.
2. Telling you your breasts are beautiful is an odd way to phrase it. It’s not a red flag (a red flag is a colloquial based on throwing a red card in football) solely by itself, but combine it with the touching? NO
3. Touching your upper arm at the end of the session may not solely be wrong –mine shakes hands –but it’s odd. It’s not a hand, it’s a body part that he’s touching. This is another NO.
4. The Hug. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO –this is not just a red flag, but in our country it would get a therapist a formal reprimand by the Board of Social Work.
5. He told you about his own past. Good lord, NO. I didn’t even know mine was married for 4 years. Therapists don’t share bits of their own past that contain trauma. They might share something more impersonal, but this is a huge warning sign that this guy has major boundary issues. NO NO and NO
6. When you were suicidal, he said he liked you. OK, well, it depends. Therapists will reassure you that you have meaning and usually when they’re treating you the do like you. Just, they don’t LIKE you –no weird almost dating moments. If he said, “you’re a nice lady and I like you and it saddens me that you are thinking these dangerous thoughts,” well, that’s ok. Getting all emotional and saying he LIKES you is a different level and not appropriate.
7. He likes your perfume. Hmm. I’ve had therapists comment on my appearance and say things like, “You look happier today.” Perfume, well, the comment could be innocuous, but with all the touching going on, I think you are correct in your assessment that it’s blurring borders. NO
The biggest issue here is that you are already sensing how weird and creepy this is. GET OUT NOW. Go find another therapist fast. You may be attached to him, but this is something outside of proper boundaries. This behavior is grooming. There is no possible way that a therapist could not know that a patient is vulnerable, exposing their inner secrets, and in a position where the patient feels like they can’t say no. Therapy is disorienting. That whole touching thing that he’s doing is messing with your head and definitely is unfavorable for your therapy.
QUOTED FROM ANOTHER WEBSITE:
To whom it may concern,
On July 21, 2015 approximately 09:35am to 09:55 am on the premises of the Ryerson Medical Centre in Toronto Canada, one of the physicians Dr. xxxx uttered some unethical remarks which could put the safety of her patients, in particular, disabled patients and and minors at risk.
Two appointments before July 21 2015, Dr. xxxxx was with a patient. This patient informed Dr. xxx many times of allegations of childhood sexual abuse when he was a child. The patient was also diagnosed by a Psychologist of having a learning disability and possible developmental disorder which made his maturity level as one of a young teenager.
However, Dr. xxxx decided to go into the Ryerson Medical Centre that day with a low cut top which exposed a questionable proportion of her breasts to the patient. The patient informed Dr. xxxx that he was feeling unwell with her breasts showing like that, and he encountered a sexual feeling which came back to the days he was sexually violated by allegedly his Grade 2 teacher.
However, Dr. xxxx looked at the patient and told him, “What are you going to do about it?” and then she suggests that he take chemical castration measures to “lower his sex drive” . Kindly note that chemical castration is only done on repeat violent child molesters, and even in that case, many courts in the United States have viewed this to be unconstitutional as cruel as unjust punishment violating the 8th Amendment.
On July 21, the patient tried to explain to Dr. xxxxx that she acted recklessly. However, Dr. xxxxx insisted that she has the right to dress how she wants in her medical office when dealing with patients.
The patient then asked Dr. xxxx if she would dress like that in front of minors, in which she responded by implying that shouldn’t be an issue.
Dr. xxxx persists with the patient that “she will find a way to make him less traumatized by her breasts” and the patient became very concerned because if she is showcasing her body in a sexual way to her patients and then using her authority as a physician to chemically castrate them and sedate them with other drugs, it is better to be safe than sorry and report her to the Ontario College of Physicians and Surgeons because her medical practice involves children, and children will not have that power to report inappropriate incidents such as those.
A complaint was lodged to the College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario, pending investigation. However, one of the investigators insist that this complaint is not serious despite the fact that the female doctor made herself sexually provocative and made a sexual request to the patient later on.
In the United States of America, local law enforcement would already be involved because a Psychiatrist who specializes in child psychology should know better than to expose her breast areas to adult victims of child sex abuse, blame the victim and then use her authority to drug the patient so that he/she would not complain about her.
My new therapist derails and counters and contradicts me. She apent fifteen minutes of a forty five minute session telling me very authoritively what kind of mouse traps to use. And she was wrong. i felt like someone who was intentionally cruel to animals anyway And did a lot of research into mouse control.
I was sinking into depression, that cleared the morning ai woke up knowing what this therapist was doing was verbal abuse.
Now ai am second guessing and the depression is returning. i feel it would be wrong to just quit without saying anything, but it would be stressful and useless to try to point out what she is doing. i dont want to work with her. but a nagging voice is saying, i could be mistaken, she could be a grear therapist and ai could be self sabataging. I know its not the case, but I still think it.
Hi Holly,
It’s important to go with your gut on this. That little nagging voice is your inner critic, and its only job is to make you doubt yourself and tell you you’re wrong. What this therapist is doing is having a detrimental effect on you. Whether you tell her how you feel is up to you, since she may not be able to hear it. The important thing is for you to get a referral for a new therapist and find someone you feel comfortable with and trust. You deserve to have a therapist who works with you, not against you. You don’t have to stay with someone “just because.” Every client has the right to determine whether it’s a good fit, and if it’s not, to seek a new therapist.
am a middle-aged woman whose life has been either stagnant or soul-crushingly horrible for more than a decade. It seems that the universe despises me as much as I loathe myself. I cannot remember the last time I felt joyful, though I can still fortunately laugh. Because of circumstances, I have to uproot myself and my sons (21 & 23, one on the spectrum) and move to a new city. I was in therapy for years with a really good shrink until our relationship became inappropriate (no, we did not have sex-my choice-but the intimacy was intense). We re-booted many times, attempting to salvage a relationship that was healthy and mutually enjoyable but as soon as his intensity escalated he started to blow me off. This is over the course of 15 years. I believe that I have finally succeeded in extracting myself but feel used, rejected and traumatized. And that is just a sliver of what is going on with me. I try to project and decently positive attitude because I don’t want to come off as a victim, but the anxiety and depression are making my hair fall out. Basically I have given up on life and don’t expect to ever find serenity much less happiness, but I must plow forward because the only major life goal at this point is to get my autistic son launched and in a good place in life. I am currently on Medicaid and most professionals do no accept it (why would they? If they’re any good they’d be foolish to). Problem is, despite my lack of self-regard I am very smart and do not respond well to the psycho-babble approach. I obviously also have trust issues. In other words, I need somebody with life experience and superior professional skills. It feels like a hopeless request, but any ideas would be very appreciated.
Hi Cipollanera,
Thank you for sharing your story. I hear that you are going through a very hard time and need support.
First, I want to say that there are good professionals who accept Medicaid and insurance, but it’s wise to get a referral or do some research. You can check people out online on various referral websites, such as on PsychologyToday.com and other sites, and get a feel for what they do.
Second, you may want to try a more body-based/somatic approach rather than talk therapy, which is not always effective when there’s severe trauma. This could include EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, and other approaches. You could also seek out someone who does Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS), which is also different from standard talk therapy. There are also Expressive Arts Therapy, Drama Therapy, and other modalities. See what’s available where you live and try out a few things.
You may also want to read my post Questions to Ask a Prospective Therapist for suggestions about how to proceed with a new person.
Wishing you the best!
Kristi
Thank you. I have done some research on other options but unfortunately have not turned anything up yet.
Hi Kristi,
I have started to see a new therapist, one of the few in the area who accepts my insurance. She pretty much glossed over my story of abuse by my former therapist, then got frustrated with me for having difficulty with her CBT exercises. Frankly, I am feeling discouraged and dismissed, but we have only had 3 sessions.
My instinct is to quit now, she does not appear to understand that the trauma of that experience is a primary concern to me. I could ask about it, but her reactions thus far make me wonder if she will really ever take me and my experience seriously. Any thoughts? Thanks so much in advance.
Hi,
So in my opinion, this is where you get to start listening to yourself and trusting your gut. If something about the therapist doesn’t feel right to you, and you talk to the person about it and nothing changes and you still feel the same, that’s where you get to make a choice to stay or to go. The most important thing you need to do, right there, is acknowledge your own feelings and experience, without dismissing them or diminishing them. This is where you have the opportunity to learn to take care of yourself and not let someone else tell you what your experience or your choice should be. And that includes me. I can give you my opinion, but ultimately, the choice is yours — as it should be. You get to decide what is best for you, because you actually know better than anyone else what’s best for you.
You can sit with your experience, notice how it feels, then come up with some options and sit with those, notice how they feel. Then, when you’re ready — and only when you’re ready — you can make a decision.
AND I think that three sessions is enough to know if something doesn’t feel right. If it’s right, it should feel right. Something, somewhere, should click. You shouldn’t have to MAKE it feel right. If you have to make something feel right, that’s you not trusting what you actually know.
Hope this helps!
I understand what you are going through. I was in a similar situation with my past therapist and almost ended my life. He used and abused me, and i had to turn him and his colleague into the board. I am on medicare because all of the abuse i suffered took a turn on me and i lost my job. I went into a trauma unit and am fortunate that i finally have a wonderful therapist who works very hard to help me heal at 61 years old. I have a long way to go, but at least i know i deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Take back your power and dont let this unprofessional therapist take any of you away. What state do you live in. I may be able to recommend someone to you.
Oakland
Wow Oakland. I am so sorry and so empathetic. I went through regular stages where I would be screaming for help only to be dismissed. I have no hope for happiness or great will to be alive, but I have a 23 y/o son on the spectrum and I cannot leave him. And the silent shame. I can’t let anyone know what a fool I was. It is eating my soul. Fortunately I have had not contact for a while now. As devastating as this has been for far too many years, it is some relief to not constantly be in waiting mode for a nibble of contact or validation. I am in MD, near DC. Ironically, a close friend of mine is seeing him and is doing (truly) much better. And I honestly believe that he is subtly discouraging her from seeing me. One day I will go ahead and ask her, but she is doing so relatively well I don’t want my experience to knock her off track.
I am honestly moved and touched that people actually have reached out to me. The existential loneliness is unbearable. Thank you.
My abusive therapist whose name was JB had a colleague who got his patient pregnant. When he knew i was going to report the colleague to the board, he went nuts on me. This went on for almost two years. He woukd scream and cuss at me. I was a manager odmf computer systems in a hospital for ten years making 130,000 a year. When he got done tearing me to shreds, i was fired. He told me he wasn’t going to treat me anymore because of his loyalty to his colleague. I almost killed myself that night. I woukd leave his office in tears Everytime i had a session and not because of my childhood abuse, but because of his abuse. Then he told me he felt if he backed me in a corner then i woukd leave his colleague alone. I ended up in a trauma unit for three months and reported both of them. His colleague lost his license, but unfortunately he lied under oath and nothing happened to him. My current therapist who is in towson, Jessica, had other patients that were also abused by him. She was the one who convinced me to turn him in. I know of at least 5 patients who were traumatized by him. Jessica is incredible and she takes medicaid and medicare. I have a long way to go because of what he out me through, but i am lucky i found a great therapist. JB told his colleague he hoped i would commit suicide because it would be better for him and his colleague. I hope he rots in hell.
Oakland
Hi Oakland,
I’m very sorry to hear about your issues with him. I think this might be a friend’s therapist, and while she hasn’t mentioned anything like this, I’m concerned for her.
He shouted at you for two years about this colleague?
And how did you know that he told his colleague that he hoped you would commit suicide?
I’m glad you are faring better with your new therapist.
Hey Cipollanera,
Just to be clear, are you and Oakland talking about two different therapists? It sounds like you are, but I just wanted to be sure.
Take care of yourself.
Information for you
Thank you for your encouragement, support and ideas. I did find several area therapists who accept my insurance and have e-mails out. We will see. I wonder how therapists feel when they get these cases of trauma brought on by therapeutic abuse? I wonder how many have struggled themselves with counter-transference? I contacted both women and men; not sure if a man is a great idea but I think it might be healthy to “get back on the horse” as it were….
ideas? suggestions? insights?
I would see a female. I would never have a male therapist again. A good therapist will be sickened that you were abused by a therapist. My therapist was very upset over it and she saw a few patients abused by my therapist. Just know it was not your fault and shame on him.
Oakland
Thanks Oakland, I would very much like her contact info. Towson is a 2 hour trek for me, but maybe she has contacts in the DC area?
Hi Cipollanera,
If you are in the DC area, there is a decent practice in Greenbelt, MD under Dr. Sussal. Gena Harmon is a psychologist in that practice, and she has been kind and supportive. It’s also a practice with several psychologists in it, so you may feel safer because no one is ever going to shout or be abusive. There are simply too many people around the practice that would hear that and take action.
She would be helpful. Her name is jessica schwarting in towson md. You can get her contact info off the Internet. I don’t have it on me right now, but she is 1st class.
Oakland
An interesting addition, that because of time I don’t much think of but seems somewhat relevant. When I was in my early 20’s, my mother decided that we all needed therapy. Sure, I was a confused kid but I was in school, had a job, and was not particularly interested- not that was happy, not that I didn’t have issues, but I was not in crisis. On the other hand, we were new into a step-family that was quite hateful, no matter. Mom paid and I went. Young guy, only remember him as Jim. After very few sessions he actually called my mother to tell her that I was seriously bi-polar and that I needed to see him at least 2x per week. I didn’t give a shit, she was paying and I really had nothing to say to him, but he had much to say to me, most notably the intense orgasm his wife had during childbirth and the shame he felt for being ticketed for peeing in a national park. I am not kidding. I was so unengaged, but not knowing better figured that epiphany was just around the corner.
One day he took me to a swingset in a park near his office and asked me to suck my thumb.
I marched away in nauseating disgust.
He proceeded to stalk me. Through my parents, place of employment, whatever avenue he could find. He told my mother that I was a sever threat to myself. Eventually I told my parents everything and they made it stop through serious threats. Remember, I was in my early 20’s.
Fast forward to 2000. I am a woman in severe crisis. Not terribly keen on getting back into therapy, but my very closest people convinced me to try. This therapist was recommended also for the fact that he did not give out those “vibes”.
In one of our first sessions I told him all of the above adding that I was, for that reason (and another, for later) reluctant. I will never forget- he asked “are you telling me not to fuck with you?” I said yes I am. Go figure. 15 years.
I am having an interior debate about whether or not I want to report him for taking over 15 years of my life. I am really torn. I only consider it to bring peace to myself, not necessarily to hurt him – also, a close friend of mine has been seeing him and has had great results. He is very good, but he messed me up badly. Can anyone share if they reported or not, and how they made that decision and if ultimately it was worth it. Thanks in advance.
You may want to check out these posts:
Taking Action Against Your Therapist–Whatever Your Feelings Are
7 Tips for Therapist Abuse Victims Considering Legal Action
Report him. I reported mine. Was hard at first but so glad i did.
Cipollanera,
You have been through a lot. And what he did was very abusive. What I have learned from the readings I have been doing is that this probably wasn’t the first time he did that to someone. He obviously was grooming you from the start and knew to do that. And the likelihood that he abused someone after you is pretty high. I did file a complaint against my previous therapist. It was a year long process and the not knowing what they were going to decided to do (if anything) was difficult. Was it worth it? I ask myself that question a lot. Would I do it again? Another question I ask a lot. Now, the abuse I endured was completely non-sexual. It was all psychological and emotional abuse. But I did have some evidence about what she did to me. I would do it again because it is at least one mark against her and I hope that if there is ever another complaint filed again that the board would take stronger action against her. Do you have any texts or letters or emails between the two of you? Did you tell any friends about what he was doing when it was going on? I don’t know if any of that matters though because the detective that met with me was so kind and told me off the bat (before I showed him the evidence) that he believed me. Actually writing the complaint was very theraputic for me because it wasn’t safe for me to process any emotions that I was feeling while I was with the abusive therapist and the complaint brought a lot of those emotions. It was finally safe to feel them. And I needed to get all that out. And I needed to deal with all that happened to me with a safe counselor. I did speak with my counselor at length about how filing a complaint would affect me so I could know and make an informed decision.
You do need to make the best decision for YOURSELF. And, I learned that looking out for myself, and standing up for myself…and even being very angry about what happened to me, is a very healthy thing to do. Others around you may not understand and may even accuse you of hurting him. They would not be stating fact if that is what they say. If you choose to do this you would be taking a stand against the evil that has been done to you and that is probably being done to others in his practice. But, it really is a healthy thing to do it for YOURSELF. You are worth standing up for. I hope I am not coming across as trying to convince you to file a complaint. This is such a personal decision and everyone needs to take their own needs into consideration and do what’s best for them. Only you know what is best for you. But, you are worthy of respect, worthy of healthy boundaries, worthy to be angry at what others have done to you.
If you choose to file a complaint I can help you if you want. The counselor that I went to after the abusive one as a member of the North Carolina Board of Licensed Professional Counselors so she told me about the format that would be best, etc. My thoughts are for you in your decision making. Those of us on this website will support you whatever decision you make.
I understand 100% your disclaimer at the beginning of your post. I assure you that I will make my own decision, I am not crying wolf (many do, no?). I have to weigh the personal satisfaction (for me) vs. irreversible damage (for him). Do I know that he has not done this before? Of course not. But the woman who recommended him to me, all those years ago, said that he was the only therapist she had ever had who did not send sexual vibes. I currently have a close friend who is seeing him, and I am a witness of how she has done far and above the progress than I would have anticipated.
I feel like I was a collateral victim of his personal midlife crisis. I am torn; had I have gotten a true sincere apology I may have let it go. But no. Typical narcissist, selfish reaction. I begged for attention, acknowledgement, for recognition. I only ever wanted, in the end, a validation. That is what I crave even now.
Hi Kristi,
I did. I explained that we are not a good fit – and I told her why I feel that way. I am distrustful and wary yet needful of a healthy therapeutic relationship to help me heal and move forward.
Believe it or not, I actually have never been a fan of therapy!
Yet here I am, battered and scarred from 15 years of manipulation and abuse. Nothing but corrective therapy can help me close the wounds. But I am distrustful and defensive because of my fear of being used again.
Chances are slim to none that any therapist who accepts medicaid will be successful with me. I really hate the whole profession right now, and it is horrifying that I need someone from within to get me out.
Am I doomed to live in this sad, desperate and hopeless place forever? My (unfortunately) strong belief is yes.
I think many of us are disenchanted with therapy, at the least! No one HAS to go back into therapy to deal with this. Personally, I believe that’s most important is your own dedication to your healing. You are responsible for your own healing. No one is going to make the choice for you or do the work for you. That’s something you need to do for yourself. If you don’t want to go back into therapy because therapists trigger you, then find other people to work with. Do trauma work with other types of healers. Try mindfulness practices, somatic practices. Read books. Learn Emotional Freedom Technique and do it on yourself. There are SO many routes to healing and so many different things you can try. It doesn’t depend on going back into therapy — although if what you need is to sit across from someone and discuss what happened to you and gain insight and understanding into it, then that may require being with someone who is well-versed in psychology and trauma. But you may also be able to gain understanding and insight from reading books and articles about therapist abuse.
Try something and if after giving it a good shot it doesn’t work, try something else. Keep trying things until you find something that brings some relief. You may need to try and do a bunch of things. Be persistent. Believe in yourself and your ability to heal. Trust that you can heal. And just keep going.
I am so frustrated and scared. I am desperately searching for a counselor who can help me process and recover from 15 years of therapist abuse (and other concurrent debilitating issues). Unfortunately I am currently very economically disadvantaged and on medicaid (or medicare, the one for the poor, not old).
I saw a therapist recently who was clearly not a good fit. But she was the only one in my area who accepted my insurance. The mental health provider for my insurance has been unable to provide me with many options, she was the only one who actually responded.
Where do I go? What can I do? I have researched on my own and have come up with zilch. I am not convinced at this point that I want a lawyer, I simply want help and relief.
Are there any resources at all that I may have missed?
Please help, I feel hopeless, alone and desperate.
Thanks in advance for any help and/or advice you can offer to me….
I don’t know if you’ve already tried this, but there are a lot of online directories for therapists, and you can search by insurance taken and for therapists who work via phone/internet/Skype. I know that PsychologyToday has this. Check them out at: http://www.psychologytoday.com I don’t know whether you can find a therapist who takes your insurance AND works remotely, but you could give it a shot!
Also, if you’re having PTSD issues, there are a lot of resources for that online, including guided meditations and that sort of thing. Belleruth Naparstek has some really good meditation CDs for PTSD. And EFT / Emotional Freedom Technique has been proven to help with PTSD symptoms in war veterans.
Oakland and I are not speaking of the same therapist.
Hi Noelle/Cipollanera,
That’s a relief! I’d hate for my friend to be exposed to what you were. She’s got enough problems.
In regards to Gena Harmon, I’ve been seeing her for a while. I’ve liked her quite a bit. That practice does take all insurances to my knowledge. I’ve had good luck with them.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!! Will look her up. Have a lovely day!
I just e-mailed her. Thanks again!
Posting anonymously about my story is my only resort to deal with the confusion, the hurt, the feelings of betrayal, guilt, among other feelings. I could not tell anyone because in our culture, issues like this is often blamed to the woman. And i am an adult, i could have avoided, but psychologically, i know i am very weak to resist the emotional “seduction” of an experienced psychoanalyst practitioner of 40 years.
It took me 3-4 years to admit to myself that I am exploited by a psychotherapist, who is also the program director, my professor, and supervisor. See, I am in this profession myself who is trained in in-depth therapy. But damn, who could have thought? And he is an old man! I am just in my mid-30s, single and never had any sexual experience! Nobody would believe me, who would believe an emotionally unstable person? I heard just recently that another colleague who made a complaint, but it was ignored when it reached the higher authority, because the culprit just explained it away (that this person is histrionic, and etc etc)
From the start, he knew i have attachment problem, in fact, have some borderline traits (fear of abandoment, co-dependency etc) but he made sure he can hook me up so tight through the narcissistic cycle (idealisation, devaluation, discard). I cannot believe that i am so attached to this old man who I realized was just exploiting me all along. I am a willing participant, just to get him to stay and not abandon me. i tried to convince myself that he is just an old man, and i have to go with the flow, justifying all his inappropriate behavior (always asking if i have sexual fantasies, or if i do oral sex, or if i would marry him and kissing, groping just like lovers “making out” but i allowed it )
Although technically, i cannot complain because he said, we are no longer in a counselling relationship because of his many roles, that would break the frame. Because of the intimacy we shared, i would even call him dad. I have never intended to be his secret mistress. He is in his late 70s! Because of his unreasonable wife who has become so aggressive towards me, her wife has also blocked my Skype messages and email.
I cannot tell anyone about it, because I am an Asian, Christian, living in SE Asia, while this psychotherapist is from the U.S. (MD) who is loved and adored by many. If this gets out, nobody will believe me, more so, empathise. I tried to share it with a classmate, after a few days, she told me she could see the brokenness of the culprit, indirectly blaming me since i was a willing a participant as if i was a seductress. The wife also treats me that way. She does not have any idea! I am so tempted to tell her about everything. As a last token, he gave me a silver necklace (maybe to silence me?) ,and when i asked if i can still connect with him, he said, maybe someday, he said about his wife having stage 1 cancer, stringing along the borderline. But this was not the real reason, he is actually grooming another single classmate of mine.
PHD,
That is simply horrific. Have you by chance looked up his board history in MD? Possibly he had problems here and re-located to a place where he could prey on women without fear? It seems odd that he would pick up and move halfway around the globe if he was established and successful here. Sounds like his wife is bitter – maybe she’s lived this scenario for decades….I would definitely research his records in MD.
I am so sorry you feel that you have nobody to turn to, it’s hard enough here in the US –
I am glad that at least you found us.
Hi Noelle,
Thanks for the reply and also for this forum. I do not really intend to report or do something that would harm him in any way because he is quite old. But last year, he claimed that he was still seeing patients in MD when he is not here in Asia.
At this stage, I am still grieving because ironically, he is “my dad” whom i have grown so attached to. I still love him and miss him so much; i am hoping against all hope that we really have a father-daughter connection, and that he would keep his promise not to leave me except when he dies. But in retrospect, i was just a “fling” to him, groomed to satisfy his ego. He mentioned before that i made him feel young and wanted. Can you believe, in our last talk when he gave me that necklace, he mentioned again this, “you are very attractive” with a sexual gaze, and smiled.
The colleague i talked about who reported his inappropriate behaviour to the Board in MD, ended up ostracised in our circle because they downplayed the allegations she has written in the formal letter she had sent to the Board in MD.
To be honest, I am quite confused right now. I am in utter distress, feeling all sorts of emotions. The worst part is I have to see him twice this year for our actual classes, with his false self adored by many. I could not wait to finish our comprehensive exams and dissertation. I have to stop myself from crying when we do our small group supervision in Skype with him twice a month and his wife tinkering with his computer, she is by the way a fierce woman at 80.
Sorry for the long post. I have nowhere to go to at least have some catharsis. My classmates would not be sympathetic at all even though they are counsellors themselves. In the first place, I was supposed to stay away from married men, and not to get attached with them. And culturally, somehow, i have violated that. And so in the end, I am to blame for the aftermath.
Hi PHD,
Thank you for sharing your story. Please know that you are not to blame — and that you are not alone. There are others who have been through similar horrific circumstances.
There are many stories and resources on the site and I hope you find them supportive. I highly encourage you to find someone you can trust whom you can talk to about your situation and get some support from. Another website that may be helpful for you (if you haven’t already found it) is TELL – Therapy Exploitation Link Line at http://www.therapyabuse.org. They do have a team of volunteer email responders who can offer some support. You can email them at info@therapyabuse.org. There are also excellent articles on the site, some written by therapists who were abused themselves.
All the best to you!
Kristi
70 is not that old. And you are still young. Why do you protect him? He’s stolen your innocence and forced you into a secret existence of shame and guilt. Plus, he is preying on another your girl before your eyes. I know that your culture has more rigid values in terms of roles and expectations, even here we don’t often speak out. Your case is even more cruel, he knows that nobody would take you seriously and in the end you would only be damaging your own reputation as he blissfully moves from one victim to the next.
I hope that someone else on this site has more wisdom and advice for you. My sincere hope is that you get justice and his wife throws him to the curb.
Hi Kristi and Noelle,
I appreciate your responses. I actually want to do something for the healing part, in a way, i feel responsible. Since i am not very verbal, and he’s been always away, for the past 3-4 years, we’ve always exchanged emails that may be misinterpreted as if I was pursuing him (he didn’t realize his wife has been prying even if they’re confidential). I cannot imagine what it would be like if those emails are brought to the superiors of the organization that I belong to. He happened to be close to these people. I would not be able to stand the humiliation; and i will be stigmatized forever!
He also happened to sit in the Board of the organization in the East Coast that has been funding the program. I am just a nobody. If he smells some threat, automatically, he would preempt those people about my borderline tendencies and some of the secrets i shared to him about my previous relationships (the “almost” sexual experiences). And he would forward some psychodynamic explanation again such as: I am dyadic and I failed the triangulation with the wife etc etc..
Lastly, with regard to the new girl, i confronted him about it, and he would always say, “who are you talking about”?, and he would never admit it. But it was so obvious. Or maybe i was just jealous; but i feel that this girl is emotionally stronger than me and not a borderline; if he really crossed the line big time, this girl from another country would definitely report.
Thank you for letting me share and for directing me to the new site. I appreciate it much!
Is he from UMUC? I may know who he is….
Hi Noelle,
I am not quite sure what other organizations in the US he is a part of. I only know of the funding organizations from the East Coast where he is also sitting as one of the Board Member.
May i ask your opinion, Noelle, or any of the readers here, regarding the plan i am thinking about. I am looking for a Christian counselling organization where i can find a therapist. I found one which is not within my country but located nearby, still in Asia with trained counselors from the U.S.. I can go anytime to the U.S since i have a multiple visa entry status but i also realized that i cannot afford the therapist rate over there.
And it turned out that this counselling organization in another Asian country is funded by the same organization in the East Coast. Would this be safe to do? Do you think the counsellors there would respect my decision to keep things confidential even if involves one of their supervisors? Or will they be obliged to tell this old man since they belong to the same organization?
I am quite confused. I don’t want things to get out of hand. Yet, at the same time, I know i need help. But on the positive side, I know now, emotionally, what trauma and complicated grief feels like. That would help me become a better counsellor and professor myself. How strange that despite the knowledge I have acquired on all of these dynamics, there is always that soft and vulnerable side of you; and once a predator gets in, your mental faculties and judgment just collapse, and you find yourself giving in.
PHD.
I feel very strongly that I want to help you in any way that I can. I am sad that your culture confines you to that extreme loneliness. Please give me some clues, I will look into it – I live in Maryland. I don’t even know your name so you have nothing to fear. Our communications are sacred and always private.
If you two want to communicate off the site, let me know and I can share your email addresses with each other, so you don’t have to post them online. I will need to hear from both of you in order to connect you. If you like, email me through the Contact page, which is private.
Hi Kristi and Noelle,
Thank you for your kindness, I really can sense that. And i am honestly helped just being able to see that there are many others who are “in the same boat”. Likewise, Noelle, your thoughtfulness and willingness to help is much appreciated.
I feel that I am at a confused stage, maybe still in denial. I am not sure if i am willing to let it out in the open, completely, like telling someone about his identity. This is enough for me, for now. I am not yet courageous enough to do that, because i know i am responsible. Well, maybe he still have some power over me, psychologically. But i hope someday i can completely severe emotional ties, maybe after his death. He was right in a way, he told me, no matter how i try taking him out of my life (in my “internal world”), that will not happen. He was so sure when he said that, telling me that he knows me more than i know myself.
Thank you again! I thank God for you and the hosts of this site. I feel understood. Sorry for my many posts which must be reserved, i guess, for private emails. Thanks and sorry! Kristie, it is ok if you delete those posts if they are inappropriate.
Your posts are absolutely fine! There is nothing inappropriate about them. I simply was offering to connect you and Noelle via email, if you wished to be in touch without having to leave comments on the site.
Please believe in your own goodness and in your ability to heal. So much of healing starts with loving yourself and accepting all of you. Make this about YOU now, and give yourself what you need. You are not “less than” him. You are equally important in this world and you deserve to be happy, healthy and free from suffering. The more you focus on yourself and your healing, the more you value yourself, the less hold he will have over you. Believe in this!
PHD,
I am heartbroken for you. Please do not disappear, you need an outlet and we are here to support you, encourage you, or just simply listen. Please let me say this again – NOTHING is your fault here. NOTHING.
Kristi and Noelle,
Thank you for being that “support” that I need, as i go through this phase. There were many occasions in the past 4 years where I have almost exploded (breakdown) especially when we meet for classes and “dad” is there; my classmates/colleagues do not have any idea what was going on. I was battling inside from the push-and-pull treatment that “dad” was showing me. But i could not tell anyone. It was like a “secret affair”, although i kept convincing myself that it was not because i have always been just a little child always thrilled when “dad” met up with me for breakfast or at night for coffee, letting me feel special. I’ve always made myself available for him. Everything also took a tool on my physical health.
Now in retrospect, I feel horrible because I was made a little “mistress” without me being aware of it, but i should have known better, i am a grown adult who studies and teaches psychopathology, ironically. In the recent weeks, I have visited online forums for mistresses; and truly, i just feel so guilty because objectively speaking, i was one! I never had any relationship with a married man before, not even someone who is dating, because i respect committed relationships. I just could not believe what i have gotten myself into because of my desperation for connection and his cunning way of hooking me like i was in a hypnotic state. (I am an introvert and obviously a codependent). And he, the psychodynamic attachment expert, took advantage of that vulnerability in me.
Thank you for listening. I hope I could find the time to grieve and start the healing process. God bless you!
The thing is, I’d say MOST of us feel like we “should have known better” — and many of us were made mistresses. But in this kind of power dynamic, the ability to say no and refuse the person in authority is basically disabled. It would be good if you could stop looking at the situation as if it were a peer relationship. It wasn’t. You can’t judge it by the same standards you would as if you were in a relationship with someone who was your peer and where there was equal power. It’s not the same. I encourage you to read more about the underlying dynamic and issues involved in this type of abuse and exploitation. And also read about narcissistic abuse (on this site and others). You can do a search and pull up different posts on it, and also check out the right sidebar for a variety of links. And again, there are some great articles on TELL that speak to some of this.
I know it’s hard, but let yourself off the hook and stop punishing yourself. No one is served by you beating yourself up. Stop taking responsibility for what he was responsible for. It was his responsibility to hold the boundaries, not violate them. That’s something he’s accountable for, not you.
Take care and give yourself some love and forgiveness!
PhD. We are here, and we are your cheerleaders. Just stay in touch, please. As Kristi mentioned, you can have my personal e-mail address while keeping your privacy. You can even break down. It is okay. We hear you here. Sending a hug. Noelle
Venting Alert.
A poster here was kind enough some time ago to suggest a therapy practice that she had personally found to be beneficial for her. I reached out to her, turns out she does not accept my insurance (essentially Medicaid) but was kind to give me contact information for the admin within her same clinic who could help set me up. I followed through immediately and spoke with a lady who was very nice and seemed helpful. First order of business was to contact my mental health care insurance provider to cancel the approval for the clinic I had been to before (but never felt like a good fit) and to call her back once I had so that she could get the wheels rolling. Called her back with confirmation in about 10 minutes.
Silence. Day 1,2,3….you get the picture. After several days I reached out to her again and she told me I had been assigned a therapist and should expect a scheduling call within a day or 2.
Silence. More Silence. Continuing Silence….
I am ill. I suffer from extreme depression and anxiety. I am no danger to society or to myself, I have kids to launch. And I am poor. Really desperately poor. Despite my best efforts and smart brain life has chosen to be unkind.
A lot of talk has been whirling around recently about the lack of effective mental health screening in light of the nearly daily deadly occurrences by folks who, not only because of the availability of guns, but also the lack resources to be properly screened and evaluated by mental health professionals.
I, who am of reasonably sound mind and body, cannot find adequate resources despite massive research and the fact that I live in one of the wealthiest counties in the country. So how the fuck can anybody, politician or whoever, bemoan the fact that mental illness is the problem when there are essentially NO reasonably timely or attainable resources available?
In my opinion, this is another smoke and mirror attempt to deflect. I hate guns. I hate the gun lobby. But to all who preach about more effective means to access mental health services are, ultimately, just as clueless and full of blather as the gun nuts.
Others with sweet insurance packages sweet insurance and/or income can hire the best, probably get a same-day appointment, and get careful and comprehensive care.
And by the way, it was a highly regarded shrink who pulled me into this vortex of desperation. I’m thinking the hell with therapy, nobody is interested in we small folk. But can somebody, at least, get the damned meds already so I focus on doing what I must do to trudge ahead in this stupid world?
Hi Noelle,
It is terrible that you are having these issues. I did have to wait a while to see Gena. I didn’t realize that she didn’t accept Medicaid. I know that others in the office waiting area were arranging payment from Medicaid, so I thought she did.
Noelle,
Good news: you’re extremely angry (appropriately). That means you haven’t totally checked out and given up. You are still fully engaged. That means there is hope.
Whoever dreamed up the idea that only those that are working–which means they are reasonably healthy–should have great health insurance…well, it’s just a cruel joke. Stay angry and keep fighting.
A tip: try to find an organized and persistent friend who will be your advocate and make those difficult calls for you on those days when just picking up the phone seems like it’s too much. I think that most of us know what that feeling is like.
Thanks Paul,
For reading my manifesto and for your words of encouragement. A huge unavoidable obstacle in asking for help from a friend is that the only human on the planet who knows the ugliest part of this lives in Italy. I am too ashamed and embarrassed to reach out to anyone here, and, insult to injury, the friend I would be most likely to confide in is currently seeing him herself. He’s helped her a lot and it would be selfish for me to throw shade at that- though she does know that our relationship was “different”. That is why I thought a new therapist would be helpful. But evidently that is not in my future either. Fuck them all. I’ll call my provider and find a psychiatrist who will give me a quantity of drugs sufficient to keep me functional.
Hi Kristi and contributors
I’ve been touched by every one of your stories and I feel compelled to comment, even though I’ve not experienced the horrific therapeutic abuse that you’ve received. I can, however, fully identify with the grooming process you’ve all been put through. My own long history of abuse brought me to this site and reading your stories makes me feel less alone.
PHD – Your 70 year old therapist/ professor/supervisor has had years and years of perfecting his grooming process and you’re by no means his first victim. He has a PHD in manipulation. There may be others who’ve made complaints to the board and this professor (being the master manipulator he is) has successfully blown off any suspicion that he’s responsible. Perhaps others haven’t complained because they felt powerless, scared they wouldn’t be believed or were so confused by what happened that they blamed themselves. I think it’s important for you to realise that there will be many others who have suffered at the hands of this abuser. Folks like them move around to get their fix. The ‘special bond’ he manipulated you into believing you had, was all for control – getting you under his spell so that he could have his selfish and wicked way with you. He knew exactly what he was doing so don’t be giving him any excuses. I think it’s sickening how he groomed you into seeing him as some kind of father figure to gain your absolute trust and then using this to manipulate you into having sex with him.
I can empathise with you and everyone here whose trust has been completely abused and violated. As you come into the awareness of what has happened it is shocking and horrifying and the road to recovery is a bumpy one, but in my experience this awakening can be the start of a deeper level of healing. Those of us who have been groomed for abuse have slowly had our boundaries eroded away. It happens little by little over time so that we don’t notice it straight away.
I’m only just really learning about boundaries and what they are. We all have boundary gaps which is how these abusers worm their way in. I’m using my own experience as an opportunity to rebuild and strengthen my weak and crumbling walls and build new ones where they were not there before.
I wish you all well on your healing journeys.
Thanks Willow for the empathy. It is difficult to get out from the “Relationship” created by the therapist in your mind and heart. His shadow will always be there as you go through life even if he has already abandoned you. I guess, narcissists like that are no longer interested in you once you’d get hooked and he’s caught (by his wife). I found myself wanting to die after losing the “only dad i’ve known” in his person, but it hurts more to see him being nonchalant about the whole thing, he never cared, i only realized lately. For him, it’s just another conquest! On my part, the healing process is still a long way to go.
PHD.. I’m sad to read that you wanted to die after losing the only ‘dad’ you’ve known. He played into that missing father / daughter relationship which formed an incredibly powerful bond on your part and then just discarded you like a dirty tissue. Maybe it’s even harder for you because you are grieving for the loss of the real father you never had. I think you’re right though – you were sadly just another conquest. From my experience, once the victim has been conquered, the game starts to get boring for them and when they see a new opportunity, they’ll discard you and start playing the game all over again.
What’s happened to you is still pretty raw. You say his shadow will always be there but that shadow will get lighter and lighter eventually. It’s hard to imagine that now. I’m still suffering myself – thankfully it does get easier with time. I’m in therapy again and reading the stories of others and educating myself about these types of people helps. Hang in there.
Thanks Willow.. You said it right…
Wishing you the best as you go through the “corrective emotional experience” with this new therapist of yours.. Reading through the posts here makes us feel less “alone” in our journey towards healing.
Thanks PHD. I had to Google ‘corrective emotional experience’ as I haven’t come across that term before 🙂 I’ve been very fortunate in that a therapist that I could only see short term suggested that I consider long term therapy and gave me the details of a charity. I had a consultation and was asked if I wanted someone the same or opposite sex. I only ever go with the same. I was then paired with someone who had the relevant experience. We discussed what I could afford and I haven’t looked back. I know I’m lucky and so grateful that charities like this exist in the UK. I really hope that you find a good therapist if you haven’t already found one.
Willow, i am glad to hear that you found one. In my context here, majority are into CBT and solution-focused therapy. I need a psychodynamic in-depth therapy. Unfortunately, the only psychodynamic ones in my organization are trained by this American therapist who exploited me. Ironically, by the way, I learned the “corrective emotional experience” term from this man, taken from object-relations theories (psychodynamic) since we are trained by him. Well, everybody in class and in the past cohorts look up to him. I just have to bear one more year… Hoping that your therapist would be the right fit for you!
PHD.. another year of having to face him 🙁 That’s tough. Hopefully with some kind of support in place you may find it a little easier to cope. I see my narcs at work nearly every day and even though it’s been two years, I still feel sick and anxious when I see them. There’s no drama now as they’ve found entertainment elsewhere. I haven’t confronted them directly and never will as they terrify me too much. I nearly lost my job because of one of them and was given a written warning instead. All my colleagues and friends thought I’d be the last person to receive a written warning and so did I. I’m still bitter about it. Everyone in management think these people are respectable and decent but they are wolves in sheeps’ clothing. One of the narcs made me out to be the unstable, paranoid and hysterical type and it’s taken me all this time to rebuild my reputation and confidence. One of the hardest things for me to watch is how they manipulate others into thinking they’re outstanding and wonderful when really they are shallow and deceptive. As you said, everyone looks up to the professor! It’s sickening!! One of the narcs acted SUPER NICE to everyone when HR investigated my reasons for going off sick which were due to the stress of dealing with said narc. I just wanted to scream to everyone what a nasty twisted deceiver he was!
I’m not really a fan of CBT and solution-focused based therapy, although I can appreciate the benefits in some cases. I see it as a quick fix. I’m having psychodynamic therapy and as hard as it is it’s very rewarding.
Take care and be kind to yourself…
Willow, i can resonate with your experiences.. Narcs are always “charming-ly deceptive”; they can easily manipulate people around them.. Unfortunately, narcs of different kinds are everywhere… The common denominator amongst narcs is their ability to use people to feed their starving ego without regard to their “objects”. Underneath is a great deal of shame. When you are working or living with a narc, you are left with two options, either bear with them, or leave and run! You can never beat them, you’ll end up feeling more defeated. In my case, I would never dare to report him, or i’ll suffer his wrath (he is in the position to destroy my reputation) and people would believe him. Let’s be wise in dealing with them. You take care, as well. Thanks for sharing your experience. You are not alone.
Hi PHD.. I appreciate your feedback. Apart from my therapist, it’s hard to find people who truly empathise unless they’ve had the full blown experience of dealing with a narc. I feel bad for commenting here as this space is really for those who have suffered therapeutic abuse but something happened yesterday that upset me and I feel the need to get it off my chest. I’ll make this my last comment.
Yesterday, a long serving colleague who is soon leaving was saying her goodbyes to the narcissist that nearly lost me my job. Narc knew that I was sat nearby and gave long serving colleague a ridiculously long hug. I have no doubt that this display of false affection was for my benefit to prove to me (and anyone else who was watching) what a lovable guy he is. Pass me the sick bowl, please!
Later in the day I was given a leaving card to sign and my stomach turned when I read narc’s comment to this long serving colleague which said he’d miss their “friendship”. A totally bizarre term to use for a colleague that I know has no such thing as a friendship with this narc. In fact, from my own conversations with her, I know that she finds him rude and very difficult to deal with. Again, it was obvious to me that using the inappropriate word ‘friendship’ was his way of tricking anyone else who signed the card into thinking what a nice guy he is. I pointed his comment out to a work colleague who considers me a friend (as I do her) and she too thought it was bewildering!
Narc is rarely in the office these days but when he saw me yesterday, for the first time in two years I was in close proximity to him and he looked ‘into me’ in that creepy way that only narcs can do. It gave me the shivers. I’ve been lucky that management don’t allow me to work with him anymore so I’m safe in that regard which is why I continue to work there. From what I saw yesterday he is still going out of his way to protect himself from anyone thinking he’s a bully. At least I know his game plan.
PHD, I totally appreciate why you don’t want to report your professor. It’s tragic how they can get away with destroying people. Two years ago I unfortunately (or fortunately for me as I don’t have to work with him anymore!) met with my line manager whilst I was off sick (with stress) to have an ‘off the record’ conversation about how the narc had led me to have a full blown panic attack in the middle of the office. Due to the nature of what I said, my line manager reported our conversation to HR, who were then advised by their lawyer to do a full investigation. The reason why I didn’t make my complaints official in the first place was because I had no evidence. Narc’s behaviour was covert or passive aggressive which is the hardest kind of abuse to prove. I knew I’d be screwed but underestimated how much management and HR would take his word over mine considering my high reputation which the narc obviously tarnished. Without evidence (which I told them right from the start I didn’t have) I knew I’d be in trouble.
Good luck on your healing journey and if you want to email me privately then please feel free to ask Kristi for my email address. Thank you for sharing your experience too 🙂 All the best!
Hi,
I am a victim and a writer (my autobiographical novel is entitled “Psicoanalisi in rosso” and it needs a translator, in English for example).
This is the adress of my blog (the first in Italy, I suppose): http://pazientivittimediabusi.blogspot.it/
Thank you for sharing this! Mille grazie!
Thank you very much to you. Please, share the link as much as possible. If you are able to find a translator and a publisher I can send you my book (I am alone in Italy!). For further details write to: pazientivittimediabusi@gmail.com
How crazy is this, I am fluent in Italian. SI.
Hi,I am a victim of therapist abuse,and that’s bad enough so imagine how ifelt and still feel when I was told by an attorney that because I was not physically abused or touched there was nothing he could do.I had already filed a complaint with the liscensing board,but after being told by them it could take up to a year to investigate and he could continue to council others I felt like I needed to take a more drastic approach.I had been seeing this therapist fir many years and had great trust and respect for this man.He lied and tried to manipulate me into resuming my therapy out of his home,also suggested we could go out for drinks and talk,he divulged very intimate information about affairs he had had in the past and how it affected his marriage.I was molested by a family member at 4 yrs old,and raped by a neighbor at the age of 7 so I know all to well how it feels to blame yourself to feel quilty and even dirty.It may have been better if he had physically abused me,at least then there would be some proof,but when its basically your word against theirs ,well good luck..Even though I knew a great deal of personal information about his life it still was’nt enough.Its no wonder rape victims or children who have been molested dont want to come forward.This happened to you,but you find yourself having to defend yourself,and then to be told by an attorney”he did not touch you”really?????On top of all that I ,inspite of everything tried to resume my counseling with a different therapist but I was denied treatment,my psychiatrist actually sent me a letter telling me he could no longer see me,and if I had any withdrawl symptoms from not having my medication go to ER.So I do not feel I will ever be able to trust anyone ever again. I spent the better half of my childhood into my young adult life feeling like that,now I will spend the latter part of my life like that as well.
I had naively hoped to work through the trauma with another therapist. I never had serious intentions of reporting him, even though it was incumbent on him to set boundaries I, after MUCH soul searching (not to even mention ANGER) don’t believe he is a threat to others. But, I was still left feeling battered and destroyed. What I found was that, in my limited experience since then, therapists are very reluctant to discuss the ethical behavior of their (anonymous) peers. I have a lot of theories about that, but no matter – that has been my experience. I may enter into therapy for depression and/or anxiety, but I have to hope that the piece of me that he shattered will ever be thoroughly acknowledged, much less healed. I wish so very much I could reassure you somehow, the burden is unbearably toxic. All I have to offer is the promise that you are NOT as alone as you may feel….
Hello-
I am not sure whether or not I have been abused by my therapist. My new therapist, tells me this is unethical, abuse, and I have been groomed to believe it was normal. I guess I just want to be heard. He began seeing me when I was in 5th grade, and in 8th grade started trying to convince me to masturbate. He would also laugh about me wearing days of the week underwear, etc. When I was 15 years old, he asked my dad if we could do massage therapy and told him he had a certification to do so. My father said no, he was not paying for that. We did massage therapy anyways, and after a year or so he would have me fully undress. There were times my private areas were completely exposed and he would have me lying on the massage table to “look at my body fat percentage”. He would take my underwear off if I left it on, and would always let the blanket come off of me when he was rubbing my thighs so my vagina would become exposed. He would only see me after hours at night for the last two years, and stopped charging my insurance company in 2011, so I was seeing him for free for 5 years. The last time I saw him, he told me that we could “work on my chest, but he would have to touch my breasts if thats okay”. He gave me a giant hug that day and I can remember feeling super uncomfortable. Ultimately, two months ago I discovered he never in fact had a massage therapy license to begin with.
He never touched me anywhere, thank god, but I don’t know what to think of all this.
Hi Lisa,
The behavior by your therapist was indeed abuse. Talk with your new therapist about reporting it. You were underage at the time also, which makes it so much worse because you were not aware that this was criminal behavior by the therapist.
As for your father, I have to disagree with Noelle’s strong accusations. It sounds like the therapist made it sound so normal. “I want to help your daughter, and you guys are financially strapped, so I won’t charge you. But you have to show up at the end of the day so that the company won’t know.” Your father refused massage therapy (remember, these guys can make this stuff sound so normal…throw in a couple of terms about acclimating to touch, etc, and it would sound like it’s legitimate). I don’t think your Dad allowed this guy to do this on purpose. Thank goodness, you are talking to your new therapist about the therapist. You were underage, and it should be reported to the Board of Social Work. (Look, even if you weren’t underage, it should be reported. Tell the Board you are uncomfortable ever seeing him again. ) But talk to your current therapist about reporting him. It sounds like the old therapist not only did not have boundaries but was a full-blown pedophile. The therapist did touch you, actually, in the course of the massage. And as Noelle pointed out, that’s sexual assault. Naked massage sessions after hours by your therapist is abuse. The requests to have you uncover and do physical things to yourself in a therapy session is also abuse.
Lisa, did you ever tell your Dad that the therapist was having you undress in the office? Is that why he moved you from the therapist to the new one? The after hours sessions would be corroborated by your Dad, along with the massage therapy request.
A therapist should never know what sort of underwear you are wearing. Ever.
Lisa,
Wow. I don’t even know how to respond because I don’t know where you are emotionally right now. You were not only abused but you were sexually assaulted. That your father allowed you to see him after hours, knowing the sessions were not being charged, is negligent at best and complicit at worst.
From what you are writing (or how I interpret it), you, practically a baby, were fed to a wolf by your own father.
I will not go on because I don’t want my anger to pour out of my fingers, you don’t need that. I hope your current therapist is a good one, and that eventually you will realize that that monster does not only need to be reported to the board, he needs to be arrested.
But first let it sink in and take good care of you, seems like nobody else did for a really long time……
Hi. I had never told my dad about being naked and massage, I thought he had thought it was ok. I agree with you, my dad didn’t know what was going on so he couldn’t have protected me.
I am looking for others in the UK and USA who have been sexually abused with my therapist.
He was an attorney in a Southern State in USA in the seventies, in the early eighties he changed profession working for various groups in the addiction field, drug, alchol and sexual. In the nineties he moved to the UK working as a psychotherapist in the South East and London.
I later found he had many credentials listed on his site and most of the organisations he listed as being a member of were incorrect and some continue to be.
This elderly man who is short in stature and unattractive illegally drugged me and hypnotised me early in the therapy session. (I did not realise this until after the relationship finished.). I had images of his bedroom and him in the sitting room bending down. I suddenly started to have sexual feelings for him which I could not understand. I felt repulsed by the look of him. I found the pull towards him deeply distressing. He refused to answer my query, if I was experiencing a transference and I later realised if he had acknowledged this he would have to treat me and then would not be able to play his games.
He induced a strong transference in me, he encouraged me with sexual innuendos he moved my sessions to the evenings, he intimately, sexually touched me, he got me to write a special letter to him. I believe he used his therapeutic skills and illegal methods to manipulate me for his game of seduction over the weeks.
My sessions were always held alone in his apartment. The curtains were always closed, there was soft lighting, coffees, he would have his feet on a footstool
There was a large brown sofa with cushions, a Victorian fireplace.
Within a very short time he terminated my so called therapy saying, there is nothing much wrong with you. On my arrival on the chosen date the apartment was covered in candles, the bathroom, sitting room and the bedroom, there were vases full of long stemmed red roses. After a few sips of red wine he took me to his bedroom, I said I have seen your bedroom before in my mind, he said nothing. The very large bed always had red sheets and lots of red cushions and pillows. There was an old sturdy basic metal chair with black seat and back that he used for sex, white wardrobes and chests, built inTV and large digital clock. The rest of the flat was without colour.
I had the distinct feeling I was being videoed. All rational thoughts were by now always filed away. He refused to let me go to my car for my belongings in case his neighbours saw me. He did not use protection and it never crossed my mind, ever, not until months later when my husband asked me questions after I told him what had happened.
Later that evening, I was in his dressing gown and slippers, we sat outside the front door where anybody walking past would have seen us, and smoked his own rolled cigarettes.
I had not smoked for forty years, had been faithful to my husband for thirty years and did not want to become involved with a married man or with someone who had a partner as he had.
This man pushed and pulled my emotions and I began to feel like his slave. He would stare into my eyes for a long time, cold eyes, no emotion. He would stare as he waved to me when I left, often in tears because he did not wish to see me anymore.
He had said he was paranoid, obsessive, had been abused. He said I was obsessive and had been abused. One day he let me see him without his mask and I managed to walk away from him and then went into trauma.
I was re traumatised when I had an unjust hearing.
If you know who I am talking about please contact me through Kristi
Thank you